Lovely Day

QUICK NOTE: This title is in memory of Korea. 

Today was one of the best Valentine’s Day I have had in awhile. I went to bed disgruntled with the Littles attitudes and annoyed and frustrated at myself and my reactions to them—the fact that it bothered me internally so much. I think outwardly I maintained my cool.

I have been asking the Lord to show me ways to show my love for the Littles outside of consistency in consequencing. Yesterday, when I realized Valentine’s Day was nearly here, I snuck off to Walmart and bought flowers and cute heart cups to put them in. My daddy always used to give all of his girls flowers on Valentine’s Day and I loved it. Also, I just love flowers and figure other girls do as well.

So I got up this morning to get the flowers ready. As I battled in my head the best way to give them to the girls, the Lord gave me the brilliant idea of placing them on the tables for the girls at breakfast. Chelsie, a Big, and one of my Littles, were already making pink heart pancakes for breakfast as a surprise for everyone. They even made the milk pink. It was fun. I could tell several of the girls felt loved and special. Thank you Lord for the ideas and the means!

We do a Saturday morning devotion as a house every Saturday after breakfast. This morning we went into the woods on property a bit and then sat and spent a little time with the Lord. For the last few minutes we broke into pairs and prayed with each other. I was in a triplet with Chelsie and Megan. I was blessed to be able to pray for these two incredible ladies and was ministered to through Megan’s prayer for me.

After devo is always work project. This week I was assigned to clean the school with Megan and three Littles. It started off a little rough with a little bit of attitude. My work projects often start this way. AIGOO! Anyhow, I ended up working with one of the Littles, we will call her Ruth, for the next couple of hours trying to fix our vacuum. We did several things and at one point even got my screwdriver from my lock box and was taking the bottom apart. We were not completely successful, though by the end it did vacuum better and at least got us through deep cleans. I just really enjoyed the time with Ruth and I really loved trouble shooting. It was just a fun work project.

After lunch, I had lunch clean-up with Megan and a few Littles. After that it is room and house deep cleans and then serving consequences. This is always a crazy busy time and today was no different. However, after an hour or so things calm down as everyone finishes deep cleans and settles into various pursuits. I was schedule to serve the five o’clock work hour but it ended up that no Littles were available to serve at that time. Instead I played Skipbo in the living room for about an hour with one of the Littles in my room. My sisters and I used to play Skipbo all the time and I had tons of fun.We played Skipbo up until dinner.

After dinner, Wendy, myself, and three Littles were chilling in the house waiting for dinner clean-up to be over so room night (where your room does something fun together for the night) could begin. In this time I was able to visit with Lindsey (house director), take a shower, prepare meds, and have a one-on-one conversation with one of the Littles who I could tell was just really frustrated.

For room night, we made dinner and dessert. We got a couple really good pictures that I wish I could share with you guys. Wendy and one of our Littles made dessert, while myself and our other Little made dinner. I made Pancit (Filipino dish). It was so yummy and then started watching Forrest Gump. It was just a good time with our girls. Dessert needed more chill time so we will partake of it tomorrow!

The Lord loved on me in ALL sorts of ways today! Also today, I had a few good interactions with Grace (see previous post/e-mail), I got a Valentine’s greeting from my Mommie, a phone call from my grandmother, card from Lindsey, and a fun-dip from Wendy. Yesterday, I received a Valentine’s card from my parents with messages inside and a gift card to Target. 

I just wanted to share with you this day where God showered His love on me in so many ways and through so many different people. 

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Our LeadTime Class

Top: Deana, Chelsie, Me, Tracy, John,

Middle: John, Daniel

Bottom: Emily, Claire, Tye, Andrew, Megan, Matt, Wendy, Erin, Kelly

Praise and Prayers

Let's start with the praises. Praise God that He is the miracle worker. That He is infinitely huger than everything. Praise the Lord for community, even when it is hard. Praise God for the lessons He teaches us. Praise God for friends who send me e-mails and notes of encouragement. Praise the Lord for good conversations. One of our Littles celebrated her 16th birthday yesterday. She tends to think real negatively about herself. Yesterday, she felt loved. You could tell she had a really good birthday. Praise the Lord for orchestrating the events and interactions of the day to express Love to her. Praise God for the hard conversations that sometimes have to be had.

Now for a quick update: In our house, when things are calm, it generally means girls are not dealing wtih stuff. It's been relatively calm lately. A few things have come up but not much. Well, the flood gates have let loose and a lot of things are coming. In this case, it started on Sunday evening when two girls and two boys where caught breaking rules on a time-out (time-outs are a privilege not a punishment). I won't go into all the details, because while it might be easy to spout out some of the ways girls are reacting, I don't know that you really need to know and I really don't want sharing prayer requests to become a gossip thing. Anyhow, that event happens to be the one God used to bring up things the girls need to grow in. Despite the girls emotions, I have been extremely encouraged by the way we Bigs are handling it. Despite the "craziness" there is a calm. That is the Lord. Praise Him for His work in all of our lives. 

Before we did room changes, the relationship between me and one of my Littles, we will call her Grace, became strained. I am not sure what happened. I have tried to talk with her about it, but just said that things were fine. So I have let her be. Anyhow, being one of my Littles, the Lord has placed in my heart a huge love for Grace. It's been hard having our relationship off. Since room changes, she has grown more distant and I do my best to have minimal interaction with her, just to respect her desire to have space from me. Anyhow, she is currently dealing with a lot of stuff. She is now to the point where she refuses to have interaction with me and is just extremely disrespectful to me and is treating me bad. While I now she is dealing with stuff and I am one of the people she is taking it out one, it is hard. It's not fun. 

And a personal quick update: I have had some pretty hard cries these past two days. Yesterday, started with me needing to leave one of our morning meetings early because I was hurt by words that were said. From that point, I literally cried until about 4:00 off and on. I never went much more than an hour before tears would just start running down my face and at others times it would be full out sobs. Then this morning, I had another interaction with Grace. I sobbed for a time. My heart is broken for Grace. This morning just got to the point where tears/sobbing is how I released it. This place makes you cry. I have cried so much here. I have often prayed that the Lord would help me to cry more. I got it! He's teaching me to cry this year, or allowing me to. 

I had a lot of time to journal and pray about why I was so upset. I have just had lots of interactions with Littles where they are really disrespectful and hurtful. I value relationship so much, and I am just going through a spurt where I feel like they are denying me that by not really wanting anything to do with me. The day before my "cry day", it felt like I didn't have a single good interaction. After spending a lot of time with the Lord yesterday journaling and really being ministered to through the song I Am Nothing by Jeremy camp--I went into coverage not very optimistic but dependent upon the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom in my interactions. There are two prayers of my heart the Lord has given me for this year. This first is that I would have eyes to see the spiritual battle what is waging war around and that I would be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Going into yesterday, I was really going into it with that focus. Yesterday evening wasn't the best coverage night. I ended up getting cussed out, I had another girl upset with me about another interaction from the day before, and other stuff. However, also, I had really good conversations with both of the girls in my room, with Emily (a Big), I got an opportunity to just listen to another Little vent her frustrations as she hit the punching bag. After a bigger event, the one in which I got cussed out, I got an opportunity to pray with Emily (Grace's current Big Sister) on the porch for Grace, and several other blessings in the middle of it all. The Lord is so gracious.

Now for the prayer part: If you think of us. We wold appreciate your prayers as we walk beside the girls in this. Below I will list a few things you can more specifically pray for.

• Pray that I would have eyes to see the spiritual battle waging war.
  
• Pray that I would be quick to listen, slow the speak, and slow to anger.
  
• Pray for Grace. Pray that she would know Truth. Pray that the Lord would comfort her heart. Pray that the Lord would use the events of this past week to be her "turning point" here.
  
• Pray for my relationships with Bigs. Overall, I feel they are solid, but we have three new female Bigs and I am still learning how to read, love, and support them and build relationship with them.
  
•  Pray that I would be humble. Pray that my words would be life-giving. Pray that the Lord would give me wisdom in all of my interactions.
  
• Pray as the Spirit leads!
  

 Oh yeah, I have had a really good day. Despite this hard time, I am doing well. It's weird as I have had some pretty crappy days. However, it in all I have really felt loved as well by my fellow Bigs, but the Littles, and the staff here. This morning the Littles could tell I was having a hard morning (my face was red from crying and tears were falling down my face) and most of them of came and gave me a hug. A huge blessing from the Lord.

I love you guys and value your love, prayers, and support SO MUCH!

Amazed by God,

Amber

Random Thoughts

So I have been sleeping on what most people would call crappy beds for a time now. In Korea, the beds literally are almost as hard of the floor. So basically, I sleep really well when I sleep on crappy mattresses. I can even sleep better on the floor than on a lot of people's good mattresses. 

Most other Bigs sleep on my bed in the house and wake up with aches and pains. When I visited my sister this past weekend and slept on her bed (she has a really good mattress--most people just melt into the mattress and are in heaven) I woke up with aches and pains.

Part of me wants to never buy a good mattress--if I have to sleep on the floor I can. I am currently content with my low quality mattress. Is it weird that I am conflicted about weather or not I ever want to get my body used to sleeping on a higher quality mattress?

Good Friends

This past weekend my best friend Kara who lives in Korea was in Arlington for her sister's wedding. So I got the weekend off and road tripped to Arlington. I went to the wedding and then we hung out later. I spent the night and of course we stayed up late talking. I had to leave the next morning by 10 am to make it back to Branson. 

The wedding wasn't until 5 pm on Saturday. So I contacted my good friends Jill and Zane and we went to lunch and hung out for a few hours and just enjoyed each others company. I wish I had gotten a picture withe them, but I didn't. 

It was a blessing from the Lord to visit with these friends. The thing I love about old friends (in time not age) is that you don't have to see each other often or even talk all the time, but when you do see each other you just thoroughly enjoy each others company and pick up where you left off.

I love you Jill, Zane, and Kara. Thanks for a great weekend.

LeadTimers

This pictures was taken at the LeadTime 28.5 graduation. Basically, 4 of the Bigs in this picture graduated. In January we received new Bigs, there class is LeadTime 29.5. I am part of LeadTime 29.

Prayer Requests

I know that there are many of you who lift me up in prayer. I don't say it often, but I thank you for your prayers. They make a difference. Thanks. 

• Pray that I would have eyes to see the spiritual battle that is waging war around.
• Pray that I would love the Littles with His love.
• Pray for me as I am working on softening. Pray that I would speak words of life. Pray for my tones and how I come across to people.
• Pray for my relationships with my fellow Bigs.

Random Thoughts

I have random thoughts that would be easy to share with people. Really, I guess they are more contemplations/meditations/things mulling around in Amber's brain or just weird things that have no real value to them other than they are my thoughts. I am going to start sharing them a little more often and I am just going to title them....Random Thoughts.

I have been contemplating church lingo a lot lately and the importance of wording things not in church lingo or christianeese but accurately. For example, this year I could say that I am depending on others to provide my income this year as I am raising support. This would sound fine to a lot of people. However, this isn't a true statement. It represents a falsehood. Always, I am dependent on Him to support me. In the past, I have had a job that paid me money and that is how the Lord has provided. This year, the Lord is choosing to provide through others. Regardless, He is the source. He is the provider. He is the one I am dependent on. Not on my self and not on others.

I believe there are many time where we use christianeese that sounds good and that a lot of people understand what is meant, however, the wording doesn't always represent Truth and could be misleading. I wish I could think of another example, but my mind is blank. Often Truth is misrepresented in christianeese as all listeners don't always understand the Truth that is being spoken because the wording is off just enough to produce a false statement.

This makes so much more sense at other times as I have mulled this over in my head. Is anyone tracking with me on this? Do you get what I am saying? I might come back to this and try to more clearly communicate what I am talking about. 

Any thoughts? Feel free to leave a comment.

Support Update

As many of you know, I am currently participating in a one-year discipleship program called LeadTime. I have had several people ask me recently how I am doing—physically, emotionally, and financially. I thought I would take a few moments to update you guys on this.

I would like to start by thanking all of you who have already/are currently supporting me either through your prayers or through your financial giving. I am facing unique challenges as I am living in constant community and working with troubled teens. Your love and support makes a tremendous difference!

Emotionally, physically, and spiritually is a little hard to define how I am doing as it can change from week-to-week. However, overall I am doing really well. I found it interesting that as I was visiting family I had several different people comment on how my job agrees with me. I am not sure what they were seeing other than my love for those here at Doulos. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas was a little rough as emotions in the house were high and the girls were dealing with a lot of stuff. God really brought about some neat growth through it all, but is was draining and challenging. The Lord continues to be my strength, encouragement, and source of life. He is growing and challenging me as much as He is my Littles.

LeadTime is a full-time ministry that is support-based. I have received support in a number of different ways. LeadTime provides my room and board, I need to raise $6000 to pay for health insurance and any personal expenses.  So far the Lord has provided $2,615 of support. I also have about $150 of monthly support that people have committed to send monthly. My parents are loaning me their car for the next 8 months and pay for my cell phone bill. My grandmother has pitched in and helped pay for gas when I drive home for holidays. I also have a team of people committed to praying for me. Other people send me quick e-mails with words of encouragement, or send me a note in the mail.

As you can see, I have received financial support in a number of different ways.  How am I doing? Honestly, though I have received financial support, I have tapped into my savings a lot. The move from Korea to the States cost me a little more than I realized it would. Also, another factor that I did not take into account is that days off and weekends off cost money—I cannot just hang out at home. Because I live and work on property, to get a break from my job, I have to find places to go. While lots of staff here have opened their homes to me, I eat out a lot. Even if I don’t eat out, by the time I buy all the ingredients to make food…I might as well as eaten out as I don’t have a kitchen and have to buy every ingredient that I need.

 The Lord is faithfully providing for my financial needs and trust Him to continue to do the same, just as He is faithfully sustaining me for my emotional and spiritual needs. However, the Lord is using people to support me and meet my needs--it is sort of the way the body of Christ works. If you would like to support me and join in what the Lord is doing here, you can do that through your prayers, with a one-time donation, or a monthly gift. If you are interested in supporting me financially make a check payable to Doulos Ministries, Inc. and send a check to:

Doulos Ministries, Inc.

801 W. Mineral Ave., Ste 202

Littleton, CO 80120

If you would like to support me with your prayers and receive prayer updates please let me know and I will start sending you updates. If you have my e-mail address, just shoot me an e-mail. If you don't, leave a comment on this blog and I will get  back to you.

Creative ways you could support me are through sending me notes (or e-mails) of encouragement, sharing Scripture (I have had the Lord work several times through references loved ones have included in notes), or sending me a gift card (Wal-mart, Target, Panera, Cheddars, Chilli's, Chic-fil-a, etc.). I have added a "wish list" to my side bar. I love you guys and if you ever have any questions—just ask! I would love to answer them.

My address is:

282 Doulos Rd.

Branson, MO 65616

Faithfully His,

Amber 

1-23-09 Seasons

Life definitely happens in seasons. I feel like I have entered into a new season in my time here at LeadTime. This is for a number of reasons. The first is because we had room changes the first weekend the Littles were back from break; and second, we have new Big; and third, we are moving into a new building on property.

I have heard several past LeadTimers whose seasons corresponded with rooms. This is definitely true for me thus far. Not just because of the change of roommates, but even I feel like I am in a new season in what the Lord is working in my heart, and just in my comfort level with all that goes on here on property. It so often hard for me to capture with words the things that I am experiencing here.

 I loved my last room. It wasn’t until shortly before room changes that I could even imagine living in a room with different girls. I loved all three of the girls in my room so much. We had really good times and really hard times. I have shared a few of those with you. Despite how much I loved my room; it drained me a lot. I didn’t realize how much it took from me until room changes. I am less drained at the end of the day and more energized.

 I am now in a new room on the second floor—the loft. This is probably one of the best rooms in the house as far as atmosphere and feel goes. I am no longer on a bottom bunk but actually get to sleep on a regular twin bed! I have two girls in my room. They have a bunk bed. Pictures included below and in my sidebar.

I love my two new girls. Everyone here has their issues (Bigs and Littles included), and while these two girls have their issues, they are a lot different than what I was dealing with in my last room. I wish I could more openly talk about my girls with you—but I am excited about this new room and look forward to getting to know both of my girls better.

 Also, we have enough Bigs now that each room has a co-Big. My co-Big is Wendy. I am super pumped to be paired with her. Having a co-Big is also another reason I am more energized. It means I have a person who is also invested into the same two girls that I am, I have someone to talk through things I am seeing, someone to share in the joys and trials that will come along with these two girls, someone to take half the load of the paperwork! We all to an extent share some of the responsibilities listed above as we all interact with everyone, however, we do focus on the girls in our room.

The other reason I believe I have more energy as well is because we now have 10 female Bigs! It is AMAZING the difference it makes have 3 more people around. I feel like increased coverage allows us to serve consequences along side the girls AND also pursue relationships. We pursued relationships before, it is just easier now as we are no longer operating under minimal coverage. We normally had one Big taking a girl to an appointment off property, one Big supervising room grounding, one Big serving with work hour girls, and one Big in the living. Now we can still have one Big doing all of those things, but we also have one to two Bigs available to take girls outside, or to Sonic for happy hour, or take a walk around the loop, or to pursue a girl one-on-one. It is amazing and incredible and I am so thankful. Our three new Bigs are Megan, Deana, and Emily. They are doing an amazing job of jumping and becoming a part of our group.

We have spent the last week or so moving into a new building. The new building has a dining hall (big enough to host 150-200 people), the main office, the head of counseling office, house director and intern office, LeadTime classroom and library, and LeadTime offices. Our old dining all was in the basement of the girls house. LeadTimer’s didn’t have a classroom and we had class either in the dining hall or the girls house living room. One of the counselors office was in the boys house, one of the LeadTime directors office was in the girls house. The main office was a really tiny building where everyone was nearly on top of each other. The house directors office was in there home (talk about never escaping work), and the interns didn’t have an office. Anyhow, as you might be able to see, this new building is a huge blessing but with it has come a lot of shuffling all over property.

Spiritually, I am not sure what God is doing exactly. However, I do know this. When I first arrived I was desperately dependant on Him. To get through my day, I often had to draw strength from His Word, from prayer, or from worship, not only in the morning, but several times through out the day. It was a good season. I loved the fact that my environment was such that I felt that desperate dependency upon Him. Though my days are less draining, and I am more comfortable with life here, I am no less dependent upon Him. I still need Him equally as much. The challenge of this season will be to not loose sight of that. In easy times and in hard times, I need Him to make it through each day. I have a tendency to start depending on myself and not acknowledging Him who is my sanity and the reason I have even survived life on earth thus far.

In my relationship with LeadTimer’s (AKA my fellow Bigs) I feel like I am entering a new season with them as most of us have been working for almost six months now. I have really been working on figuring out what good community looks for us. I don’t know—I am feeling more settled inside about our community and genuinely am just enjoying my classmates, learning from them, being challenged by them, learning to love them.

I titled this rambling Seasons because I just feel like the Lord has me in a new season in my LeadTime year. It is hard to describe all of the changes, but just as I have changed rooms, and we have added Bigs to our group, and adjusted to being in a new building, I also feel a change in other areas. The longer I am here, the more comfortable I grow with this place and my role here. Days are feeling more normal. Even the days when things are emotional, or girls are dealing with issues, they don’t drain me near as much—we just deal with it and move one. It’s just everyday life here.

That is a little about my current season. I had 10 million more things in my head but I will stop here. May you grasp your desperate dependency on Him and the joy that comes with it.