Not finished yet

The girls leave for their post-summer break on August 21st. This means we have right at one month left with them! This is craziness. A year has already passed by. Many girls have gone. More have come. Some have been here the whole time.

I am writing this post as I am on night watch. Night watch is what we do when one of girls is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. We have one person who is up all night who sits outside of their door to make sure nothing happens. We each take an hour to share the responsibility. This is our third one this week. Not only this, but we have other girls who have issues they are dealing with. We are on a level system here, and level 3 is what we call the "storming" stage. Though this looks different for each girl, we definitely have a girl or two in this stage.

This is just a good reminder that though we have only a month left, we are not done yet. We are still living in a house full of troubled teens who need us to be there for them and to not be checked out. They need us to be invested.

The other day me and another Big took two girls to Mc Donald's for dinner. Everything was great and we were having a good time. Then one of the girls refills her water cup with Diet Coke. It is a relatively small thing, and a huge part of me just wanted to let it go, but it was a great moment to teach integrity and choosing to do the right thing. So, we have the hard conversation. A moment where we can choose to be invested or to check-out.

The negative and rude attitudes in our house are increasing. As Bigs we can choose to just put up with it for the next few weeks until we are gone, or we can figure out how we are going to handle the situation and what we are going to do to challenge the girls in this area. Many moments were we can choose to be invested or to check-out.

We currently have 11 Bigs and 9 Little right now. This means at times their are 8-10 Bigs on coverage. Even on days where there are only 6 of us on coverage, this means we have lots of opportunities where we can take a girl for a walk, or to run an errand with us, or to Sonic's happy hour--just take advantage and have some one-on-one time with the girls. Once again, the choice to be invested or to check-out.

I have just given a girl a consequence and she is upset. Do I just write the consequence down and leave it at that. Or do I follow-up with the girl a little later. Follow-up is often where the most growth happens, not only for the Little, but just in our relationships in general. Do we follow-up or leave the girls alone? Another moment to choose to be invested or to check-out.

I notice a fellow Big and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on something and it might be affecting our relationship. Do I just leave it be and just get through the next month? Or talk to them about it. A moment to choose to be invested or to check-out.

I am giving these scenarios because this is where we are right now.

The summer schedule here is a lot different than the Fall schedule. We are on coverage a lot more. We have less free time and less time off. It is harder to get your personal things done. We still have classes. We all still have things we are struggling with. We all have ways we are still growing and being stretched. We still have Littles who bring us great joy and who challenge us (both positively and negatively). Many of us are weary and tired of growing. Some are tired of the constantness of this place. Some just are not feeling well physically.

In the midst of all this, I am doing my best to take advantage of this final month to keep investing in the girls and in our community as Big Sisters. I don't fee like it is a huge struggle. I don't think I have checked-out. I still care a lot about the people here and it's weird to think I won't be here soon.

The Lord still has things to teach me in this final month. He still has things to do through me.

I am not finished yet (but getting close).

Faithful

The Lord is so faithful. I just want to take a moment to give praise for His provision.

I shared my need for $1,000. So far, through friends and family, the Lord has provided $700 of the $1,000 needed.

He blows my mind away as I get to wait and see how He provides.

Things you can be praying for...

• The rest of ny financial support to come in.
• Pray that I would be wise with my finances. I don't think getting a job will be hard once a get to Georgia...however, this is the first time in my life where I don't have a "set" job waiting for me. Therefore, how I steward my money from between now and then is a little different than it has been in the past.
• Pray for love for those here and a continued desired to keep investing in my community here and to not "check out"
• Pray for my upcoming transition. Another chapter in my life is about to start. There are so many unknowns (sort of goes against my "planner" personality)--that I will continue to trust the Lord through it all.

Why?!?

Do you ever ask the Lord, "Why?!?" I recently asked this of the Lord.

Let's go back to pre-summer break (late May). I was looking forward to post-summer break in a way that I don't normally look forward to breaks. I always enjoy time with my family, but I was just craving it and couldn't wait. The first weekend of my pre-summer break was spent celebrating my mom's 50th birthday. I loved it! I particularly enjoyed making my mom's strawberry shortcake cake with my sister Shannon and cousin Tammy. I loved Sunday morning when my parents were at church and we were all gathered in the living room putting together my mom's scrapbook. It was Shannon, Alicia, and I along with Tammie, Kirk, and all four of their kids. I loved that we were all doing it together.

I loved spending Memorial Day out at the lake. Shannon at this point returned to Houston, and Kirk and Tammy to Rowlett.

Tuesday was the best car buying experience ever that involved one-on-one time with my dad, lunch with my parents and sister, shoe shopping for my dad, and then sister time at Starbucks. What an awesome day.

Wednesday was spend running errands and frankly I don't even remember what happened on this day besides going to Best Buy and getting a new deck for my car, barbecuing for dinner and Grandad joining us.

Thursday morning I washed my dad's car (thankyou for letting me use it for six months), ran errands (my car needed something replaced at Mazda and then I had to return to Best Buy because the deck in my car was not working). After getting my errands done I came home and washed cars (mom's and mine). And that pretty much took us into Friday.

Now, though there was time in here to enjoy family...it was also a bit busy. I was really looking forward to Friday-Sunday and just relaxing with my family as we celebrated Chris and Laura's wedding. I hadn't seen Shannon all week, but we were meeting in Ft. Worth for the wedding. We all drove up on Friday so that we could go to the wedding rehearsal. My mom rode in my car so I was looking forward to time with her. We (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) were all staying in the same hotel so that meant just hanging out with each other when not doing wedding things. I was looking forward to more sister time. Sunday, after the wedding, we were going to Kirk and Tammy's where I was going to see them again, but also see my grandma and hopefully Tye and Tracy. I had all these grand plans of just enjoying family.

Yeah...that whole last paragraph...I got gypped from. I woke up Friday morning with a sore throat. I didn't think too much of it. However, it only got worse. I literally slept the entire trip to Dallas and by the time we got the hotel was burning up with fever. I didn't go the reception that night and was a bit out of it. I barely woke up to take medicine and attempted at moments to interact with my aunt, sisters, and parents--though I was probably a little out of it. I hated not going to the rehearsal dinner.

Then Saturday came and I was able to get ready, but I was so tired. I had been on antibiotic since the day before, but I was just getting worse. I went to the wedding. Then stopped at Walmart for some medicine--only to find out that there really wasn't a good over the counter medicine to combat my symptoms besides what I was already taking.

I tried going to the reception, but ended up leaving after five minutes and just cried all the way to my room (reception was in the hotel we were all staying at) because I felt so bad but I wanted to be with my family. I cried some more in my room and finally came down and visited with my cousins for 30 minutes to an hour. I finally went back to my room because I was so tires.

Sunday, I got up as soon I could, packed my stuff, and headed to Branson. I was still feeling miserable, but wanted to return home because I would rest better in my home, and in Branson I have a doctor, and know where to get meds, etc. So I make the drive to Branson. As soon as I get back, I do what I have to do, to get out of the Bigs meeting that night, to get permission to miss morning coverage the next day--basically to ensure that Monday I could be off. As soon as all this is done, I literally crash into bed.

I barely said anything to my family on Sunday as I got ready to leave because I felt in a fog. I knew if I didn't leave early, I probably wouldn't make it to Branson-- I had a 9 hour drive ahead of me.

Anyhow, this really is a minor thing. However, about a week later, once I was recovered and had time off...I was looking at my sisters Facebook pictures of the wedding rehearsal and wedding and just started crying. I was mad. Why did I have to not be a part of these memories. For the past 6 years or so, I haven't been able to come to family things. That was hard at times. However, to be there (in the same building and in their presence) but not be able to join them seemed unfair. Why me? Why this time? I looked at the pictures and it was like looking at pictures of a family event I hadn't attended. I had heard the stories about Grandad dancing with his grandkids and daughter in the hallway...but I wasn't a part of it. I don't know. I just really struggled with this. Why did I have to get Strep throat then?

I don't really know that I have any brilliant answers. I still wish it hadn't happened. I still wish I could have been well enough to enjoy my family. I still wish I could have seen my Grandma on Sunday. I still wish it could have played out differently. I don't understand why it had to be this timing for me to get Strep. Buy why not? Why not me? Why not this timing?

There are worse things in life. I think I just somehow felt "entitled" to this time with my family. For my three years in Korea, it makes sense to not get to go family events. It made it easier. Even at times, missing events because I live in Branson. But to take the time off and have the time and then have Strep throat keep you from time with your family. This doesn't make sense. I was looking forward to that time so much more than ever before. I felt like I NEEDED it. So I was disappointed. It's think it's okay to mourn this loss.

I may long for more time with my family, but until He calls me to move back to Texas...I will take what I can get. And I still thank Him for the time I do get with my family. He was so gracious in the first part of my trip. Though it was busy, I still got to enjoy my family a lot. He worked that out. Though I feel like I got gypped from some more good family time...He has purpose in that...even if I don't get it.

I think I will stop now. I don't know that I am communicating well what I am trying to say. But I just feel like I mourned this loss of time with my family and really had to give it over to the Lord. I was surprised that it frustrated me so much for my time with my family to end as it did. I have been away from my family for a bit of time now. I have never had this reaction before to missed time with them.

I am not sure what the Lord has in store for me down the road--to be near or far from my family. However, no matter where He calls me, I want to first be obedient to Him. Sometimes obedience means giving something up. However, He is always faithful to provide. He gives life abundant. He is there when I miss my family.

Happy Fourth of July

A Quick recap of my last three 4th of July's:

July 4, 2007: Spent at the Hospitality House with friends who were my family. We shared good food and fellowship. At some point in the night we went to the roof of the Hospitality House where we could see fireworks off in the distance. Fireworks, were followed by quiet conversations on the roof top. At one point, I just watched the street below and contemplated my life in Korea. I love looking off the rooftop, down the alleys, ands streets, and listening to the night noises and watching the night activities.

July 4, 2008: I had been back in the States for about a week. I was at my aunt and uncle's property on the lake enjoying good food and family. For once, I was a part of the family event rather than just hearing about them. That night we went out on the boat and I laid on the back part (where you get back into the boat if you have been skiing or knee boarding) and just enjoyed my family and watched fireworks. To this day...this has been the best 4th of July yet.

July 4, 2009: July 4th was actually a normal days of deep cleans and work hours...however, July 3rd was spent at an I Love American celebration put on by a church in Springfield. It was an evening , of Nertz, good conversation, amazing fireworks, and just enjoying my current "family" that is made up of the Big Sisters, Little Sisters, and House Directors here on property in the Girls house.

As I was sitting among our group, enjoying the fireworks, I contemplated the many different 4th of July's I have celebrated and wondered about what next year's celebration might look like. Each has been special in its own way. Each has been spent celebrating it with my "current community"...the one that is has become my family when so far away from my own family. Though there are times when I miss my family, when I miss being able to celebrate holidays with them---I am still thankful for the communities the Lord has allowed me to be a part of and the joy that is found there.

Happy 4th of July.

Smattering of Events

Tomorrow, the Girls House packs up our vans and heads to Kansas City where we will be on a mission trip. We will be gone four days (Monday - Thursday). I am not sure exactly what we will be doing other than coming alongside some places and serving them.

We currently have 9 Littles and 10 Bigs. Our two House directors will be going as well. Pray that the Lord uses us to be a blessing to others and that He works in all of our hearts. Last week the boys did a mission trip in Kansas City as well. During that trip, three of the boys ran (all were found). I honestly do not know that we have many girls who are flight risks, but you can be lifting this up. A few weeks ago when we went on a camping trip, one of our vans ended up in a ditch. No one was hurt, the road just wasn't wide enough for two cars to pass. We were able to call a tow and get the van out and the van is just fine. All this is to say, you never know what kind of adventures you will have on these trips.

We we get back from the trip, that weekend, we will have five girls who will be gone on home visits. It should be a pretty chill weekend.

Below are a few pictures from the above mentioned trip.

On July 2, I was able to finish a rag blanket (made from old t-shirts). I love it. I would not say that rag blanket style would be something I would love...but I am really enjoying this blanket. It is the project we are making for a sewing class I am teaching along with three other Bigs. We found a place that has a "free closet" where we have been able to go and walk away with a garbage bag full of old t-shirts for free! What a blessing from the Lord as we have no budget for sewing class. Other Bigs and Littles decided they wanted to make a blanket as well. About half of the house is making/has made one. It is fun to teach this skill, but also to create something that will be used for years to come. Mine will be a sweet reminder of my LeadTime year and all the people here.

Recently for House night, we went to a theater in Springfield to see Westside Story. Below is a picture of some of the Bigs and one of our House directors. Though it was just the movie and not a play, it was a great little theater with lots of personality and we had fun. We all got dressed up and just enjoyed the evening.

Wendy, Deana, Erin, Tracy, Meagan, Me, Riley, Lindsey, Claire

Meagan and I

On the 3rd of July, we went to an I Love America celebration through by one of the churches in Springfield. The fireworks were amazing! We just had lots of fun playing nertz, listening to bands, and just hanging out with each other.

We play a lot of Nertz around here and are pretty serious about it.

One of my favorite days on property is Wednesday--community service and Bible Study day. This past week we went to the nursing home and played Bingo with the residents. It was so much fun. The girls were amazing and incredible. They did such a good job--especially considering it was outside a lot of their comfort zones. We also recently helped a single mom with three kids move. This day also was loads of fun and as much a blessing for us as it was for them. I wish I could post pictures of these events...but perhaps one day when all the girls are graduated.

The Right to Love

I have the right to love when I would rather hate. The People that I have hated are the people that have taught me to truly love as Christ loves. In sixth grade, I was hurt the deepest I have ever been hurt before in my life. All of my friends, the people who were supposed to stand my when no one else would, deserted me. I hated the people who turned my best friend against me. It was at this time when I was so full of hate that I remembered my right as God's child. I have the love of Christ in me. This love is the only weapon that I have to overcome hate. Rather than let hate fill me and destroy me, I must capture love and bind it around my neck until it breaks the chains of hate that are killing my soul. As I take on Christ's love, He opens my eyes to the good characteristics in those I hate. Looking at them through God's eyes of love allows me to see the beautiful person God has created in them. Through responding in love to those I hate, God teaches me to truly love as Christ loves.

Above is an essay I wrote for my Senior year English final. A few weeks ago, I was struggling with being frustrated with Bigs and even the Littles. I'm human. I have reactions to people's reactions to me. I have insecurities. I have lies I believe and that I use to filter and skew circumstances around me. At times I just need an attitude adjustment. At times I just need to get the focus off of myself. Anyhow, I came across this two Monday's ago and the Lord used this to give me an attitude adjustment and to get my focus back where it needs to be.

Praise

A friend sent in $150 and I received it today! The Lord is working even before I state my needs! I look forward to watching as God continues to bring in the finances that are needed.