A Work in Progress

Imitate Me

2010-10-22T11:18:00.004+09:00

There is a verse in the Bible where Paul says,

"Imitate Me."

These two words have been a source of much contemplation and meditation.

I have not known many Christians who are willing to say, "Imitate Me." However, more often than not, I have listened to more people discredit themselves when sharing something the Lord has been showing them by saying, "...Not that I do this perfectly" or any number of similar statements.

Why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to say this? Do any of us do anything perfectly or all the time? Is that not a given.

As a math teacher, I would never get before my students and say, "Class, today I am going to teach you how to solve for x. Know that I do not always do this correctly, but here is what you do."

It seems a little silly to say that. Any student of mine already knows that Miss Divers makes mistakes. I don't have to tell them that. However, that doesn't make me any less qualified to teach them to solve for x.

Jumping back to the Paul example...

Why do we hesitate so much to confidently say, "Imitate Me."? Why do I hesitate to confidently tell someone, "Imitate Me."?

I believe it goes back to not truly understanding what is meant when this statement is said among believers. At least that is what it was for me.

Paul didn't tell others to imitate him because he, Paul, was so great. He told others to imitate him, because the Holy Spirit in him was so great. Paul was human like us. He was flawed. He sinned. He didn't always do the right thing? He made mistakes. But he still encouraged believer to imitate him.

So often I don't want to tell others to imitate me, because even if I thought I could say it without sounding prideful--I am flawed. I sin. I don't always do the right thing.

When I hesitate to say to someone, "Imitate me," for these reasons, it is because my focus is off. It is because I am identifying myself with my old, sin nature and not my new nature in Christ.

Another way of wording what Paul said would be, "Imitate Christ in me." However, Paul didn't say the added "Christ in" part. Why? Because his life was a living testimony of Christ. There was no question who he was about. As a child of God, he was identified with Christ and HIS attributes and no longer as sinful Saul.

The other pretty huge thing I got contemplating, "Imitate Me." was...

It is actually our flaws, our sin, our not doing the right thing...these are the things others need to see. Because it is as we deal with these things in a godly way and in right relationship with Him that He is glorified. I never learned much from a person who always did the right thing. However, I have learned much by observing how godly men and women handle messing up. It is good for me to see a brother humbly go to another brother and seek forgiveness for an offense.

The world likes to paint perfect, ideal pictures for us. It is easy to grow up with a warped view of how to handle things or the reality of the consequences of certain choices because we sugar-coat, glamorize, or just flat-out hide the more real and hard things of life.

How valuable it has been for me to be around godly men and women who let me see ALL of their lives...not just he pretty, pleasant parts...but the messy, not-so-fun or attractive parts as well.

I have learned to think of people as "beautiful messes". I say that very affectionately.

The people dearest to my heart are all "Beautiful Messes" but they have played/are playing vital roles in helping me to learn to love God with all my heart and to love my neighbor.

I am not sure how to nicely wrap this up and connect everything as I have taken a break from writing for a time now and am a bit rusty. Also it is nearly midnight and my brain in shutting down.

So I am going to say, "Goodnight!"

Weird Amber Quirk

2010-07-29T08:30:00.003+09:00

So one of the weird quirks of my personality is that I feel the need to make use of things I have. For example, if an ingredient is in our pantry/fridge for too long without use, I will cook a meal that uses that ingredient.

Upon my return from Texas, we had some sandwich rounds, home-grown tomatoes, cucumber garlic dip, some lettuce that was going bad, blueberries, and black beans. So tonight for dinner, I made falafel. This used up the sandwich rounds, home-grown tomatoes, cucumber garlic dip, and lettuce. I don't know why, but I get an extreme sense of satisfaction when I can use up random ingredients and create an awesome meal.

I still need to figure something out for the black beans and blueberries...

Today, I also...

checked out a potential job
had lunch with some friends
went to the grocery store
tweaked a resume and sent it off
talked to my Nonnie about dates she is going to visit
found 3 new recipes to try, and tried them all!
cut up fresh veggies: carrots, green peppers, broccoli
cleaned out the fridge
and now I am going to watch a movie.

I believe I have an equally long to-do list for tomorrow, but if feels so good to get things done! It's a strange addiction.

Recent Happenings

2010-07-25T13:44:00.005+09:00

Chilling in Suwanee

3 of the kids I watch during the week.

We like to go to the park.

Still recovering from my first case of poison ivy.

I don't suggest getting it--it hasn't been very fun.

The boys from one of my nanny jobs in the spring.

This picture pretty much captures them.

Celebrating Stacey's birthday and

visiting with some friends from Rose Creek.

My 3 youngest housemates. They are lots of fun.

Becca is one my housemates,

the mother of the 3 adorable children above

and a HUGE blessing in my life.

Celebrating my 28th birthday by eating Korean food.

Breaking the Silence

2010-07-25T13:28:00.004+09:00

Since moving to Georgia I have been quite silent--both on my blog and through e-mail.

It was just time for a break. I enjoy blogging and keeping in touch with people in this manner, however, at times, I think it is easy to share things here that I don't necessarily share face to face. I didn't want that to be the case. I hope that I am as open in person as I am via blog.

This is nothing I have intentionally done. There are a few reasons for this.

#1-- I happen to really enjoy writing, so blogging is a great outlet.

#2--Blogging has been a great way to stay in touch with people long distance.

#3--I also love to share my thoughts, but in person, am much more the, wait for someone to ask my thoughts and then I share them. Therefore, people don't always know my thoughts because they don't ask. Whereas on my blog, I just share my thoughts--whether you want to hear them or not.

So this year, I have been trying to focus on sharing my thoughts with people in conversation. Does this make any sense?

Anyhow, I am missing writing...

so I am taking blogging up again.

I will try not to "mass blog" in order to catch up as that would be impossible.

Regardless, I am looking forward to "being in touch" once again.

28 Years

2010-07-02T12:23:00.003+09:00

Today marks my 28th year on Earth. It was a good day. I am blessed by wonderful family and friends who remembered me and made my day special.

The song of my heart today, is the same song that has been in my heart this past month, Pure and Holy Passion.

I have a unique testimony in that I have always known the Lord. I was raised by parents who love the Lord and some of my earliest memories are of conversations with the Lord. I cannot remember a time where I did not know the Lord in a personal way. It was never just my parents faith--it has always been my own.

He is one of the first people I have turned to with questions, the one who I process my day with, and He is the only person that has truly always been there for me.

As the years have gone by, I have come to know Him more and our relationship has matured and deepened. What a privilege it is to know God and to be known by Him.

If I have any obsession in life, any ambition--it is to know Him more fully. All other things this world has to offer pail in comparison to Him. There have been/are times when I have turned to things of this world--but they always disappoint. I have found Him to be the only source of true life, and life abundant.

As I have gone through this day, I have just been overwhelmed by the fact that I have known Him for 28 years now. I have no idea why He has allowed me to know Him for this long. Why I did not have to go through a season on not knowing Him to turn to Him. I have learned not to question His plans for my life, but am grateful that He has called me to Himself.

So today I celebrate 28 years of knowing Him and being known by Him.

Lord,

Give me one pure and holy passion.

Give me one magnificent obsession.

Give me one glorious ambition for my life--

To know and follow hard after You.

To grow as Your disciple in the Truth.

This world is empty, pale, and poor;

Compared to knowing you my Lord.

Lead me on.

I will run after You.

Beautiful.

Still Growing

2010-01-23T01:17:00.002+09:00

The Lord has had me on a journey for some time in learning to trust in Him as my provider in the area of finances. As a middle school/high school student I used to worry about finances a lot.

In college, after 3 semesters, the Lord really pressed it on my heart that if He wanted me to go to DBU, He would also provide the finances. Though I had a scholarship, and tuition reimbursement from UPS, it still didn't cover all of my schooling/living expenses. I trusted the Lord in this an quit taking out loans to cover tuition.

The Lord then saw fit to send my car into the shop every month for the next 13 months. Talk about trust in His provision. He was definitely stretching and growing me during this time. It was amazing how He provided.

I will never forget His first "big" directing of money in my direction. The tuition for my Fall semester was due. I needed $2000. Someone randomly gave me $1,000 anonymously through the church I attended in high school. I have no idea who the person was. But it was completely the Lord working on this person's heart to give to me and to give through my church. You see, DBU had a church-match scholarship. So if a church gives you money, DBU would match. Upon receiving the check, I contacted my old pastor and asked if I could get a check written out to DBU instead of me. He said that was not a problem. That is how the Lord provided the $2,000 that I needed.

This was the first time I have ever had someone give me $1,000. I was humbled and honored that someone would do this. This was like something you read about in books or hear that happens to other people, but not something I ever thought would happen to me.

Then a few months later, I was once again in the position of needing about $1,000. Despite the Lord's provision just months before, and as crazy as it may seem, I was worried and not sure how it was going to happen. I mean, after all, the Lord had just shifted $2,000 my direction a few months before. Obviously, I was still thinking in terms of human terms because to me $2,000 was an amazing sum to money, but to God $2,000 is pocket change. Anyhow, I wasn't really thinking He would just shift that much money my direction yet again so close to His last provision.

Anyhow, I got a really big tax return right about that time ($800 to $900). Then He provided the other few hundred in some other way that I cannot remember right now. Through this the Lord continued to show me that He has me covered. He is my provider. I need not worry.

Then He moves me to South Korea in 3 suitcases. By the end of my time in Korea, I had a huge furnished apartment with more than just the bare essentials. Yes, we furnished our apartment with "roadkill" (furniture left on the side of the road) or stuff people had given us--but it was all His provision. Through my time in Korea He gave me good perspective of possessions and what is really "mine", which is nothing.

Sometimes He provides by shifting money my direction, other times He just provides the need. I will never forget, one year in Korea I was really wanting a toaster. I know it seems like a small thing, but I enjoy toasted bagels and wanted one. So I presented my want to the Lord. I could have bought a toaster at E-mart, but I didn't have the money at the time. The the Lord did not provide a toaster, but He provided a roommate who knew how to toast using a skillet. How awesome of the Lord to provide in this manner. I sometimes forget that there use to not be all these modern contraptions like toasters! If you ever have a chance, toast your bagel on a skillet--do it! It has really good flavor and doesn't take that long.

Then last year, the Lord grew me further in trusting Him as my provider by having me live off of support last year. Before, He provided primarily from the paycheck earned at my job. Last year, He provided from the generous gifts of others to me. It taught me to me more okay just accepting things from other (the Lord started working on this in Korea, but definitely grew me a lot in this area last year).

And then the Lord sent me to Georgia and left me randomly/minimally employed for 4 months. For most of this time, I have not worried about finances and have just trusted Him to provide and He has. It hasn't been too hard because of my history with Lord of His faithful provision.

Then Christmas happened. I didn't tutor for several weeks, meaning the little income I did have coming in stopped. Also, there haven't been any random babysitting jobs since Christmas. So not really any money coming in, but bills still being there. I even tried to sell a camera online that I had and was not using. Yeah, I got scammed. I don't have the camera, but neither do I have the money for the camera. I actually lost money since I paid to ship the camera to the people. Then last Wednesday I had to get 4 new tires for my car. Not my best day. I was basically crying in Discount Tire as I was putting the tires on my credit card--not my best moment. I cried later that evening when a friend asked me how my day was. Obviously, not doing a great job in trusting the Lord's provision at this point.

Yeah, I am still growing in my trust in the Lord in the area of provision.

I spent some time with the Lord on Thursday processing this. The Lord basically was, "Are you going to trust Me, even when you cannot see or? Will you trust Me even if I don't provide employment for another 8 months?" Though it wasn't a fun week last week it was good. I am trusting the Lord and at peace.

At this time I didn't have a job or know that I would have a job. And honestly getting a job doesn't "fix" everything immediately, it just seems more hopeful. But weather the job makes is seem more hopeful or not, it doesn't change the reality that God will provide. Weather that be through employment, through someone's generosity, through an odd job. The Lord has it covered.

Job Update

2010-01-23T01:07:00.003+09:00

I am officially employed with enough work to pay my monthly bills!

I have accepted a job caring for a families 3 boys from 2:30-5:30, Monday - Friday. This along with the 3 hours of tutoring that I am currently doing will be enough to pay my bills.

I also interviews yesterday, with Tutor Doctors of Atlanta and am hoping to pick up a few more tutoring clients from them. They are going to contact my references and then get back with me sometime next week.

I just interviewed with Northstar Academy (online school) to teach MS math for them. It was a first interview. This is the first step in the process. If they are interested in hiring me, they will then set up a second interview in the next few weeks. I would not have thought to pursue an online teaching position, but happened upon this opening. I know the experience would be a lot different than in a traditional classroom, but I can see myself enjoying it. I have no idea if anything will come of this...but it is something I am considering.

Regardless, I would love to teach in the upcoming school year.

Thanks for all of your love, support, and interest that you bestow on me. It means a lot and I appreciate it.

How Am I?

2009-12-23T09:33:00.004+09:00

My posts of late have been at a much more surface level of late. I hope you have enjoyed some of my more light-hearted things.

I received a few e-mails from friends asking how I have been doing because I haven't posted in awhile or been in contact via e-mail. I am humbled and honored that I have people who notice when I don't write. I believe that one of the reasons I have put off writing this post is because I find "how" I currently am hard to explain--I shall do my best.

I have been in Georgia for over 4 months now. I never would have guessed that at this point I still would not have full-time work. There are so many ways that this one fact alone affect HOW I am doing.

Last year I had a decent amount of responsibility. Before that in Korea, I had a decent amount of responsibility as well. And before Korea....I had a decent amount of responsibility. As my friend LB said, my personality is sort of in shock. The first month or two of being in Georgia was about adjusting to a life with less responsibility. I was a bit at a loss as to what to do with my time and myself.

After a few months of being here, I asked the Lord, "Surely you aren't asking me to be unemployed, are You?" To me, it just didn't seem like it was right. But that is where He has me right now. He has me in a season of rest. He is making sure I rest to by leaving my life fairly simple and uncomplicated. By leaving me unemployed. By giving me lots of time to just "be".

Before I moved here, the Lord told me to take a break. I had no idea what that meant exactly. But He really has me in a season of rest. Not only physically (with no job), but emotionally, and spiritually as well.

I tend to like challenges. I don't always seek them out intentionally, but I happen into them somehow. Sometimes I take them on intentionally as well. There are several people I know who when they hear I am still unemployed, there response has been, "That's good, you could use the break." Part of me is like, Really? Even after 4 months you would say that? But it is true. I needed a break from intensity.

I like challenges for several reasons. First, the Lord gave me a math brain who loves to figure things out. Second, though I don't always like the process, I LOVE the end result. I love what comes from the hard conversation, the growth that comes from figuring something out, the growth that comes from wrestling with something.

It is so weird, but despite my uncomplicated life right now, and how low-key it is, the Lord is teaching me some important lessons and deepening our relationship. He is teaching me to be okay and content "being" more and "doing" less. He is showing me that He can take me to deeper levels with Him without some big challenge. If I am but faithful to seek Him, He will draw near to me. He will teach me. He will grow me. He will speak to me.

When the Lord provides work, I work. When He doesn't, I enjoy rest and fellowship with the saints. I have a friends who wonders what the Lord is preparing me for in this season. I really liked that statement and it encouraged me. I guess sometimes I feel like people think I need rest to recover from what was previously, but even if it is about that, it is also about the Lord preparing me for what is "next" as well and it is the first time I had thought of season the Lord has me in with that perspective.

I am very blessed to be a part of the community of believers here in Gwinnett. They are good fit for me and I am encouraged, challenged, and content in where the Lord has me. I am confident that this is where the Lord has called me for a time.

I really cannot think of much more to say. I have been putting this off for so long, dreading the struggle it would be to convey with words how I am doing. Sometimes I find this task easier than other times. I actually wrote the first part of this post in December! Hope this made sense.

Love you all.

Thankful

2009-12-20T06:58:00.003+09:00

Yes, this post would have been more appropriate about a month ago, but I am falling into old blogging habits and am mass blogging over the next two days.

As you know, I am partially employed. I have three steady hours of work a week. I couldn't afford to travel to Texas so my parents paid for me to come home for Thanksgiving. I decided to drive because it was $100 cheaper and I could visit friends along the way. I had almost no money in my account other than gas money.

I don't know about you, but before a trip I fill my car up with gas, print of directions from google maps, check the fluids in my car, and check the air pressure in my tires.

Friday, November 20, 2009, 8:05 am Journal Entry

Yesterday night around 9 pm I stopped to fill up my car and check the air pressure. My passenger rear tire was basically flat. AIGOO! Not good when you are driving half-way accross teh country the next day. I was sort of bummed considering it cuts into my visiting time with the Conners.

On the other hand, I have felt that the tire was off for some time. I have even checked its pressure before. So its a relief to know it is taken care of. I had convinced myself that it was all in my head that my tire was low.

Though there are multiple things I was bummed about, there really are MORE things to be thankful for.

Lord,

Thank you for Your protection.

Thank you that I didn't have to put a spare tire on my car.

Thank you that I found an 8 am appointment I could make online, enabling me to sleep peaceably last night.

Thank you that because of my history using Discount Tire, that this tire was getting fixed for FREE! A totally unexpected blessing.

Thank you that Georgia time is an hour ahead of Arkansas so I really might not lose as much time as I originally thought!

Thank you for giving me this 30 minutes at Discount Tire to spend with you. What a great way to start a trip.

Your goodness to me is unmerited, but that is what makes it so good. You are a loving Father who cares for His children.

Chicken Anyone?

2009-12-20T06:05:00.002+09:00

If you are curious and want to know how these roosters became dinner....

then click here to pictorially see how this was accomplished!

I originally was going to post this on this blog, but then realized not everyone would be curious about this process and some might even be grossed out.

I love you Family!

2009-12-20T02:17:00.008+09:00

As Christmas day approaches, I miss my family more. There have been several times in the past year where I have asked the Lord why He wants me to live so far from my family and not be more involved in their daily lives and for them to be more a part of my daily life.

Yet, this is not what He has asked of our family. He has asked for us to live far from each other. My little sister is in California, I am in Georgia, and my parents and older sister are in Texas. We are literally spread across the United States. A few years ago, Alicia was in India and I was in Korea--somehow that was easier. However, we do see each other more than we did then.

Family, know that I love you so very much and miss you. I know I don't say it all the time, but it is true. I don't know if the Lord will have us live near each other again. Know that because of the distance, I treasure our times together that much more.

I love that we all love and enjoy each other so much. I love that I look forward to our times together. It is restful and refreshing. The time flies and before I know it, it is time to return home before I am ready. This is not true of all families. Thanks for your love of me.

I really need to continue to work on picking the phone up more. Korea and then LeadTime really got me too used to NOT picking up the phone. While it had to be that way for a time--that season is over!

Thinking of you and missing you.

Daddy and his brother, Tye

Summer 2006

My family all came to pick me up from the airport

when I flew in for my cousins wedding from Korea.

November 2007

Alicia visits me in Korea!

Summer 2007

I visit Alicia in California!

September 2009

Shannon's 28th Birthday

Philippines Mission Trip 2008

Parents dropping me off at the airport in the wee hours of the morning so I can return to Korea

November 2007

Me and Mommie at my LeadTime Graduation

August 2009

Shannon and I at someone's wedding--Summer 2006

Probably not our best "Sisters" picture

Summer 2006

Nonnie and Grandad

Summer 2006

Uncle Dale, Grandad, and my Dad at the lake

This sort of captures everyone.

At the lake--I LOVE big family get togethers

Summer 2006

My Daddy being himself--I love it!

You can imagine how fun my childhood was having him to play with each night.

Mostly Unemployed

2009-11-19T13:27:00.003+09:00

My temp job only lasted 4 days. However, I am very thankful for it as it allowed me to pay all of my bills for the month of October, including rent.

I still have my 3 hours of tutoring each week.

I had a nanny interview of Friday (only 6 hours a week), had an interview on Tuesday morning for a job working with physically challenged adults in a residential home environment, and tomorrow afternoon interview to nanny for a family with a newborn, 8 year old, and 9 year old.

The first job I did not get because I really need to work more than 6 hours a week and was not willing to commit to it long-term should I get a job that interfered with that one but was more hours.

I think I would really enjoy working with the physically challenged adults. A lot of the responsibilities would be similar to what I did last year, but at a much more low-key and part-time basis.

And the nanny job I am interviewing for tomorrow seems like a really good fit and match for me. We will have to see!

So that is a quick "job" update. I would love to have enough work to pay my bills. However, in the meantime, the Lord continues to faithfully provide through others means (random babysitting jobs/people giving me money).

In the meantime, I am doing my best to take advantage of being unemployed to rest and to further invest in those in my Body I am a part of here.

Shout Out

2009-10-30T10:30:00.001+09:00

This is just to say thanks to those of you who commented!

It was fun to come home from work and have greetings from friends.

Employed

2009-10-29T11:58:00.004+09:00

I thought I should give people and employment update.

On Tuesday this week I started a full-time temp job. I was hired through United Staffing Services (temp agency), and am currently working at Directory Distributers Associates.

Basically, I answer phones for people who are ordering phone books or giving information to individuals seeking some extra money delivering phone books. I do not know how long this job will last, but am thankful for the Lord's provision of it at this time.

I also now have three tutoring clients (total of 4 hours). I do this in the evenings. I am still hoping to gain more clients and then find a part-time job during the day.

That's about it-- as far as the job goes.

Thanks for any prayers and I would appreciate your continued prayers as this is only temporary work. I would love for tutoring to work out. I am not sure what my "other" job should be to supplement tutoring so that I can pay my bills.

Doing my best to "take a break" as the Lord has told me to do. I am doing my best in His strength to live it out day-by-day as He has not exactly revealed to me what this year is suppose to look like.

More Pics from the Compound

2009-10-29T11:49:00.004+09:00

FYI--"The Compound" is the name of our house. It was given this name initially because sometimes people think it is crazy or cultish to choose to live with as many people sharing a house as we do. To take this notion to the extreme, it was termed The Compound. Some are more fond of the name than others.

Last week, everyone in The Compound was off on the same day!

We decided to take advantage of the day and made waffles, eggs, and bacon for breakfast.

In the process, we learned there are different opinions how to store the waffles as we make them, how "chewy" or not chewy the bacon should be, and if scrambled eggs are better with or without cheese melted in them.

After this, we loaded into the van (all but Britt) and headed to the park.

Jason sandwiched between the kids in the back

Saji and Jason worked with Micah on his tree climbing skills

Painting Toes

2009-10-29T11:42:00.003+09:00

The other night I was painting my toes in the living room. Elisha noticed what I was doing and got permission from her Mommy to paint her toes. She gladly took her socks off and did a good job of holding still while I painted her toes and even did an okay job waiting for them to dry.

This was her first time to have her toes painted.

Our pretty faces

and our pretty toes!

Micah was building robots with Becca.

He wanted to make sure he and his robot made it into our pictures!

And my attempt to get a picture of all three of us.

Hosanna Grace

2009-10-29T11:22:00.002+09:00

Hosanna Grace Mooney is the newest member of our home.

She was born Sunday, October 17th.

Below are a few picture from when she came home. We took the pictures of us (The Singles) meeting her for the first time with my camera. Pictures taken of the Mooney's with the kids were not taken on my camera so I cannot share them. Here area few though.

Elisha kissing her baby sister.

Micah and Elisha picked out the pig for their baby sister to play with.

Jason and Hosanna

Me and Hosanna

Saji and Hosanna

Delayed Reaction

2009-10-09T09:40:00.002+09:00

So it has taken me much longer than I would have anticipated...

but this week I have started thinking about LeadTimers and those still at Doulos. I am starting to miss people and the relationships there.

I am forming some good friendships here, we are just at the starting point, rather than at that point where we have walked through some tough stuff together and shared community for a year. I am confident I will get to this point in my new community, but am not there yet.

If any of you from Doulos actually read my blog...know that I love, miss you, and am thinking of you.

I talked to Emily Whitely a few days ago and it was so nice! I teared up a bit. It was just soooooo good to talk to her and hear how she is doing, and even to hear about a few other people on property.

Waiting

2009-10-09T09:26:00.005+09:00

In three days I hit my one month anniversary in Georgia.

I have a home.

I have a fellowship I am a part of.

I don't have a job.

Actually, I am employed for At Home Tutors--I have been since my second day here. However, it is not until beginning to mid October that people start looking for tutors. Therefore, I have no clients, which makes it feel like I have am unemployed.

I potentially have a client. I tutored for them last night, and they are waiting to hear from the two other tutoring places before they make a decision. In the meantime, I might tutor for them again next week. Our first session went well and I am hoping this turns into a regular tutoring job.

I have had a few interviews (one nanny, one teaching), but I did not get either one of those jobs.

I have applied for several other jobs, but nothing has come of it.

In the next few days to weeks, I should be able to see how much income tutoring will bring in.

It is sort of a waiting game. Waiting for these things to work out or to see what else the Lord brings my way.

In the meantime, I am using my time to get to know some of the peeps in our fellowship and hanging out with the housemates. I have had a few babysitting and tutoring jobs as well.

My New Home

2009-10-09T08:51:00.007+09:00

Unfortunately, at this time I only have pictures of the house. I promise to take pictures of roommies soon and do a post about them. But for now, this will at least give you a visual of my new environment.

Residents:

Britt, Becca, Micah (4), Elisha (almost 2), and baby (to be born any day now) Mooney.

Myself.

Saji (27) and Jason (20)

My new home is NOT crooked...

however, I have a tendency to like the way crooked pictures look!

Our living room.

Upstairs:

On the right are the doors to my bedroom and to the kids bedroom.

At the end of the hall is my bathroom.

On the left is the door to the Britt and Becca's bedrom and bath.

Downstiars:

Kitchen, laundry room/playroom,

studio,

Saji and Jason's room, and Saji and Jason's bathroom.

My bedroom.

My bathroom with my lovely reflection in the mirror.

The kitchen.

Laundry Room/playroom

Hallway from kitchen leading to...

Saji and Jason's room

Saji and Jason's bathroom

the studio.

That's about it. More interesting pictures of roommates to come!

Walking in Boldness

2009-10-09T07:59:00.003+09:00

So the Lord is really placing it on my heart to grow in boldness for Him and proclaiming Truth to a lost and dying world and within the Body.

Last year I had lots of opportunities to speak Truth to the Littles. Sometimes I feel like the Lord had things He wanted me to speak to the girls. I tend to be very unconfident in my relationships with teens. As a result, sometimes I would speak what was on my heart, sometimes I wouldn't. I would let fear win.

However, the times that I did speak, I was always surprised at how well it was received. It wasn't always. Or sometimes it was just received and I have no idea how much of it was processed. Despite the person's response, the Lord used several conversations and times with Him to encourage me in the area of boldness to speak what He tells me. The Lord has given me Truth to proclaim to the captives and He has ways He wants to speak to the Body (fellow brother and sisters in Christ) through me.

So the Lord brought this topic up some during my LeadTime and then He really started bringing it up more frequently toward the end.

Then I traveled to California to visit my sister. My sister has a heart for discipleship and telling the nations of Him. The people she hangs with share this same heart. They talk about it a lot and encourage each other a lot in their conversations with one another. Though one day she desires to be in a foreign country, my sister is taking full advantage of using this time to reach those God has currently placed in her life through her job at California Baptist University. She lives a lifestyle of proclaiming the gospel and Truth.

So while in California, I was further encouraged to do this in my own life just by watching the example of my sister and her community.

On my way back to Atlanta from California, I sat next to a guy that was anxious about flying. It was the anniversary of 9/11 and he was going to his high school reunion. Many times I felt like the Lord wanted me to share with Him my source of peace, but instead I made friendly conversation. Rather than do the "scarier" thing and tell him of lasting peace, I did the "safer" thing and offered a temporary distraction.

Two weeks ago, I had an interview for a nanny position. Afterward, I felt like I was suppose to go to a park and swing with the Lord. So I grabbed some Chic-fil-a and went to the park. It was a beautiful evening, so I sat outside and had dinner with the Lord. I found a table near the swings facing a Little League game. A grandfather of one of the girls comes up to me and starts talking. I listen to him and feel the Holy Spirit prompting me proclaim Truth. However, as he is talking, their is no "natural" way to steer the conversation toward the Lord. This grandfather just keeps rambling and the Holy Spirit keeps pressing it on my heart to steer the conversation toward Him.

As I am internally struggling with this choice, I keep remembering my choosing my comfort over the Holy Spirit's prompting in the plane a few weeks ago. I was battling wanting to love the Lord through obedience but also not wanting to be uncomfortable by fumbling my way through a potentially awkward conversation or a weird reaction by this man to the shift in conversation.

These are all trivial, temporary things to contemplate, especially considering the eternal things at stake and the opportunity to please God--however, these are the things I was battling in my mind. I decided however, that I would rather please God than serve myself and decide to steer the conversation toward the Lord.

I say to the man, "May I ask you a question?" He says sure. Then I go to open my mouth and speak, hesitate, and almost back out. I finally spit out the question the Holy Spirit had been pressing on my heart, "What is your opinion of God and have you had any experiences with Him recently?" To me, it felt like a weird question. I won't recount the conversation here, but it was the right question. We talked for probably another ten minutes. At times I fumbled through the conversation--but the Lord is definitely at work on this man's heart.

As much as this interaction was about him and the Lord, it was equally, if not more, about me and the Lord giving me an opportunity to choose obedience to Him--even when it is uncomfortable. It was Him giving me an opportunity to practice what I felt like he was teaching me in private.

I might not always get it right or perfect, but He is bigger than all that, and He desires obedience. I want to get to the point where I desire to obedience God and don't hesitate to obey even in the uncomfortable moments and even when the fear of man is involved.

These are just a few examples of interactions with people who are unsaved. This same principle applies within the body. Abba, has also been equally growing me in this area within the Body. I don't always do the best at speaking up in large groups and letting the Lord use me to minister within the Body in a group setting. I don't hesitate to share so much one-on-one (my comfort zone), but am not so good at other times.

So I am still working on this. I feel like this a newer area Abba is growing me in and He has much more yet to do with me in this area. He is teaching me what it means to walk in boldness--both to the lost and dying world and within the Body of believers.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (Verses such as this one have so much more meaning when you consider the verses preceding it...however, I won't go into that now).

California!

2009-10-09T05:04:00.015+09:00

Unfortunately, I don't have any awesomely brilliant pictures of California. Photographing the memories was that last thing I was concerned with in my tired, energyless state that I was in for most of this trip. Sometimes now, I wish I had made more effort...but the trip was awesome and just what I needed.

OHHHH....when I arrived family and friends has written me notes of encouragement and given me gifts certificates! Thank you so much to all of you who blessed me in this way. I felt extremely loved and encouraged. As my sister Alicia would say, "My little Amber heart was happy."

Alicia and I in Hollywood.

I half-heartedly jumped not expecting Alicia to really take a picture, but she did.

We were looking for a good palm-tree lined street to take a picture in. This street won.

This one is for you Shannon.

At some pier that is apparently a California sight that is in several movies.

Alicia, her roomies, and I at Laguna Beach. I love water and the ocean!

Above is the neighborhood where my dad grew up in Ventura,

and below is beach he walked to each day!

How awesome would that be for this to be your backyard or neighborhood park?!?

I have wanted to visit California since middle school. I haven't chilled with these family members in California since I was 2 months old! Since then, I have seen them twice. Except for my Aunt Celeste--I have seen her three times. The trip was long over due and so much fun to get to know them better and in their environment.

Me, Aunt Celeste (Dad's sister), and cousin Leigh

Traden and I--we share a July 1st birthday!

Cousin Thomas and I

Cousins--Leigh, Me, Erica (Traden's mom)

Me, Aunt Celeste, and Traden

Me and Uncle Tom

The "Korean UPS Blanket" Award

2009-10-09T04:33:00.003+09:00

During our LeadTime graduation, each one of us received an award with a "prediction" about our future. I included this in my blog just for kicks.

Some are inside jokes and may not make sense to a lot of you...

The "Korean UPS Blanket" Award

Amber moves to Georgia and is amazed to find a Korean American school that needs a math teacher! They hire her on the spot, but can't pay a high salary, so to make ends meet, Amber decides to earn some extra cash by selling her amazing quilts and rag blankets. She invites some students to help her, and as she teaches them to sew, she realizes she also has the opportunity to increase their math skills, as well. She creates a "Rabbicus Blanket"--A rag blanket with an abbicus. Her students begin to excel so much in math that she markets the blanket and sales skyrocket! In fact, UPS gets so overloaded by all the orders that they ask her to return to help manage the extra work. She resists until they promise to sweeten the deal by providing free Korean meals and free postage on all the amazing notes she sends to her friends. Today Amber is doing an amazing job juggling all 3 jobs--teacher, blanket maker, and UPS manager. Money is no longer an issue, so Amber gives back by providing cars to all LeadTime students who don't own one.

Not so sure about this prediction about my future...

LeadTime Graduation

2009-10-09T04:15:00.006+09:00

As and addition to what I learned last year...

I am going to include the letter that was read to me at my graduation. It sort of wraps up this past year from someone else's perspective. Graduation was a time where we celebrated the Lord and His work in our lives this year.

The letter was written by Amy Hobson, LeadTime Assistant Director (a.k.a.--one of the main people pouring into me last year).

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:6-8

Amber,

I love these verses for you. I think they acknowledge your strengths and your desires. And I think they give insight into God's work in your life this year. He doesn't always work in typical ways, but He is always faithful and always loving. Over and over this year I have seen Him meet you and speak to you in personal and meaningful ways.

The first verse I read is an easy fit for you--you hunger and thirst for righteousness. Integrity is of utmost importance to you , and your character is a virtue. As I was praying for you, however, the words that stood out to me the most were "pure in heart." Even more than your desire for righteousness, I admire your purity of heart. Very early on I got a glimpse into your heart and I loved what I saw. As the year has continued, knowing you more has only affirmed what I noticed then--that you have a heart I can trust. There is such beauty and goodness there, such deep love for people and concern for their welfare. You long to know God and are willing to go through the fire for His namesake. You are bold and courageous, even when it's hard for you. And as this verse says, the pure in heart will see God. That is His promise. And He has been faithful. You have seen God time and time again. He has provided for you , comforted you, affirmed you, and strengthened you. He hasn't always taken away the tension or the struggle, but as you've walked through the fire, He has been with you, and you know Him more deeply and trust Him more fully. When our hearts are pure, our eyes aren't hindered from seeing His presence and work around us. You see His work, and I believe you'll continue to recognize Him in inspiring ways.

Finally, this verse speaks about a love for mercy. This year you've expressed a desire to "do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God." As you seek to love mercy, God continues to bring your strengths into balance. And you will know and experience His great mercy in deeper ways, as well. God has brought many Truths to the forefront of your mind this year. He has loved and refined you, and I know His work in your life will continue. Your committed and convinced that He is worth it. And your life speaks that Truth to me as I watch you.

Thank you for all the ways you have loved and served this year, Amber. I'm excited to see what good things the Lord has in store for your future.

Love,

Amy

Lessons Learned

2009-10-09T03:00:00.005+09:00

I decided my first post should probably be about the Things I learned learned while at Doulos. I will not share ALL that I learned, however I will highlight what I feel some of the bigger lessons are that God taught me. Some might be repeats of what I have shared on previous posts.

We all have our issues. I can wish away certain things that have a tendency to repeatedly come up in my life and seem to affect my relationship with God and others....or I can accept those things the Lord has placed in my life and learn to glorify Him through them.

Personally, I have found the later to be the most productive.

Before LeadTime, I think I really struggled with some of the weaknesses or "pitfalls" that come along with my strong personality. I would question the Lord and ask Him why He would make me this way? Why couldn't He have just made me different? What I have come to realize this year, is that if I didn't have this particular issue, I would just have another. We all have things we struggle with.

As I write this, I keep thinking of 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul is talking about the thorn in his flesh--his lifelong weakness/struggle. He says,

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake for when I am weak, then I am strong."

God didn't make a mistake when He made me. This past year is the first time in my life where I have not questioned the Lord and asked Him why He made me the way He did. I did not question if He knew what He was doing when He made me. And I did not question if it was good.

It isn't because there wasn't an opportunity to question the Lord. This year, some hard conversations happened. I had several very hard relationships. There were circumstances, conversations, and people's reactions to me that where hard to deal with at times.

After these times, instead of questioning His intentions, I held on to His promises and Truth. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He has created me to do good works which He prepared beforehand for me to do. He created me and said it was very good. He named me Amber Sue--Beautiful, Cherished one.

During these times He continually took me to Micah 6:8, "He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

It is my job to do justice, love kindness, and to walk humbly before the Lord. I am to do these three things and leave to rest to Him--namely people's reactions. If I am walking humbly before Him in obedience then I do not need to question the Lord and what He is doing. Even when the circumstance around me, the feelings inside of me, and people's reactions to me don't seem good.

The Lord delights in me ALWAYS. This one sort of goes in conjunction with the above one. In my heart, I understand what I call the Ragamuffin Gospel love the Lord has me. For the first time in my life, I can understand beyond head knowledge, how the Lord can love me, and delight in me, even with all of my sin and junk that is in my life. I always knew this truth before in my head, I just didn't experience it. I KNOW His love in new ways and there is such freedom in it.

The longer I live on this planet, the more I realize how closely related Love and Obedience are. I don't really know that there is a whole lot to add to this. It's just a truth Lord is continually revealing to me at different levels.

Blog Build-up

2009-10-09T02:56:00.004+09:00

Since it has been awhile since I have blogged....

and I have transitioned to a new season...

the time has come to mass blog!

I will probably end up doing 1o or so blogs--that could be an exaggeration. I will try to do them in order, but honestly, that usually doesn't happen.

Enjoy them all or pick and choose the ones that catch your attention.

Technical Difficulties

2009-09-24T23:58:00.002+09:00

My internet has been finicky and not allowed me on the internet but for quick windows of time for the past several days--it is still in this state.

Once I have a good internet connection, I will post some pictures of where I am living and update on all of that.

Take A Break

2009-09-19T10:18:00.002+09:00

I decided it was time to post. I have been really more introverted and narcissistic lately. Hence, no thoughts shared here for a time

I thought I would start off by sharing a little more of what the Lord has laid on my heart for this year.

The first few months I was at Doulos last year, my thought life was fairly consumed with mulling over what to do (at that time) next year. Consuming to the sinful point and where I had to start taking my thoughts captive. There were just so many things to consider. Which city in the world would I move to? What JOB to do. I left Korea and was not sure I wanted to return to teaching.

Anyhow, at one point I was seriously considering applying for House Director where I was living. I believe I would have enjoyed that position and that it would have been a good fit for me. The job is a two-year commitment and a fairly consuming job.

In the midst of seeking the Lord out about this, He clearly spoke to my heart, "Take a break." I feel like He continued to gently say this to me whenever I would pray about the future. Though this word did not tell me much, it definitely kept me from applying for House Director as that job would not have been a break.

During my time at Doulos, I do think I rested along the way. I have many sweet memories of just resting in His arms--sometimes peaceful, sometimes in tears, but just that feeling of being held by Him and cuddled in His embrace. Okay...this is a tangent.

A few weeks before being finished at Doulos, the Lord provided more rest. My original plan was to go straight from Branson to Atlanta. However, the Lord placed it on my sisters heart that I needed a vacation and she made it happen. She worked her magic and I got to to California for 10 days and it didn't cost me a thing. The Lord providing rest.

There really isn't a lot more to this than what I have shared. I am not sure what the Lord has for me this year--who ever really does? I have no idea what my job will look like. What I do know is that He wants me to take a break. Obviously, I will have a job. But what?

So here I am in Lawrenceville, Georgia. Today is my one week anniversary. I have no idea what the Lord has for me here. I am not sure what this year will look like. But in it, I want to be obedient to Him as He reveals to me what He means by, "Take a break."

Cleaning Up

2009-09-04T13:15:00.002+09:00

My last week in Missouri, my computer started struggling with basic functions (running e-mail, saving anything) because I had less than 1 GB of space left on my hard drive.

This was totally unexpected. I hit my 2 year anniversary with this computer in August. I did not think I should be out of space yet. I don't really do that much on my computer.

Last week, I emptied my trash and then moved some stuff onto my external hard drive. That got me to be barely functional.

Today, I went through my pictures and deleted about 4,000 pictures. This is not an exaggeration. Yes, I had that many I didn't need--one of the "cons" of the digital era. Still it didn't free up any space. Then I realized I also had a trash can in iPhoto. In this trash can there was over 20,000 pictures (Once again....not an exaggeration).

Yeah, emptying this out freed up 60 GB.

Let's just say my computer is much happier. Things are operating and working faster!

Crisis solved.

Wrapping Up

2009-08-29T05:03:00.002+09:00

Well....17 hours left!

I am "on" (working) from 4 pm until bedtime tonight. Once the Littles are in bed tonight my duties here will be finished. It's not real that we won't be the Big Sisters here when the Littles get back from break. But it is time. We move out and the new Bigs move in.

My car is gassed up, fluids checked, loaded (weighed down), directions printed off and GPS ready...tomorrow morning I will get up, get ready, and start my trek to Georgia.

I get to meet some new friends as Rose Creek Village (halfway point between Branson and Atlanta) where I will be staying the night. I get to go to an outdoor symphony with them. Sounds fun to me and I am looking forward to this time.

Sunday I will continue my drive to Georgia. I will basically breeze into the Mooney's (family I will be living with) and spend less than 24 hours with them before catching a flight to California!

My awesome family has made it possible for me to go and visit my sister Alicia for 10 days at no cost to me (besides what I spend in California). I am so excited! I will have time to think and process and enjoy the beach and most importantly enjoy the awesomeness of my sister's company.

I will then head back to Georgia and settle into life there and look for a job.

As I am in California...blogging and sharing some of what the Lord has been doing is top on my priority list. Stay tuned...

Things you can be praying for:

Rest, refreshment, a good time of processing while in California.
Continued Provision (finances, job)
Pray for me as I transition and move to a new city and community.

Highlights

2009-08-29T04:28:00.007+09:00

I feel like it has been crazy busy here since returning from pre-summer break. However, below are a few quick highlights from the following month:

Visitors: My cousin Jay and his family came to Branson for vacation and we got to have lunch.

Graduation: My Nonnie and Mommie came up for my graduation. It was a total blessing and so special to have them there as our class was honored and we remembered how the Lord has worked in each of our lives. Our graduation ceremony was August 7th even though we are not finished until tomorrow (August 30th). It is just easier this way.

Reconciliation: I cannot go into the details but I had a really hard, but really good weekend the day my Nonnie and Mommie left.

Rendezvous: One of the Littles and I went out to this coffee house in Springfield called Rendezvous. We both brought our writings and spent two hours reading them to each other. It was fun. We have been wanting to do this for a time, but it hadn't worked out. We got it though right before she went on break.

Parrots: One of the Big Brothers here, Matt, is married and has three kids (a fourth on the way). On occasion I go over and play. I love it. Below is a picture I took last night while babysitting for the last time. It's the best. It was hard to get everyone to be ready at the same time. They are precious and such a joy.

IMPORTANT Address Change

2009-08-20T23:57:00.006+09:00

Please NO LONGER use my Missouri address. Where I currently live is considered a business address. This means that I can not fill out one of those nifty cards at the post office and ask them to forward my mail--they will not do it. On property, they will only forward two pieces of mail for me before they start trashing it.

If you mail something to me TODAY (September 20) there is a chance it will just end up in the trash and that would be tragic.

My new address is:

408 Hearth Place

Lawrenceville, GA 30043

Thanks!

Perseverance

2009-08-02T12:47:00.003+09:00

We have three weeks left with our girls! CRAZY.

We just had a really rough room night. I time of the week that used to be what I look forward to has turned into something I dread each week. It ended up okay in the end, but Chelsie (co-big) and I are at a loss as to what to do.

The girls post-summer break starts in three weeks. This is a rough time. We are doing our best to be fully invested, but to an extent walls are being put up. We know we are leaving. The girls know we are leaving. I have a few girls who have decided a relationship with me doesn't matter and its hard. There are other girls here who are just really going through hard times right now. This has its good moments and its bad.

The really hard times here are what make the good times good.

I have said this before and still find it to be true. I am still savoring the good times, but I think the hard times seem harder because time is running short. I am not sure what certain relationships will look like when I leave here and I really have to trust the Lord with that and not try to take it into my own hands.

I am having a harder time being patient with my fellow Bigs. I try to not be selfish--but it still creeps in. I try not to be moody--but I am. I try not to care the girls reactions to me--but I do. I try not to think more of myself than I am--but I do. I try not to care as much about the people here--but I do.

Where is the balance in this time? How do we best love each other during this time of soon to be transition? How do I pursue others in a way that communicates to THEM that I care? How do I care for others in a way that is good for them? Do I turn a blind eye to things I see to make my last month better? Then is it really better?

Pray that I would have love.

Pray for wisdom.

Pray that I would not grow weary in doing good.

Pray that I would do good, love mercy, and walk humbly before God.

Pray that I would be selfless.

By they way...

I have found Galatians 5/6 particularly good for me during this time. It's about freedom in Christ, bearing each others burderns, loving each other, and not growing weary of doing good.

Need Met--Above and Beyond

2009-08-02T04:42:00.003+09:00

Thank you to those who prayed for my support to come in and to those of you who gave.

I stated a need of $1000 and the Lord has provided $1100!

He goes above and beyond. Thank you to everyone who was one of God's tools in meeting my financial provision.

Not finished yet

2009-07-23T21:17:00.004+09:00

The girls leave for their post-summer break on August 21st. This means we have right at one month left with them! This is craziness. A year has already passed by. Many girls have gone. More have come. Some have been here the whole time.

I am writing this post as I am on night watch. Night watch is what we do when one of girls is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. We have one person who is up all night who sits outside of their door to make sure nothing happens. We each take an hour to share the responsibility. This is our third one this week. Not only this, but we have other girls who have issues they are dealing with. We are on a level system here, and level 3 is what we call the "storming" stage. Though this looks different for each girl, we definitely have a girl or two in this stage.

This is just a good reminder that though we have only a month left, we are not done yet. We are still living in a house full of troubled teens who need us to be there for them and to not be checked out. They need us to be invested.

The other day me and another Big took two girls to Mc Donald's for dinner. Everything was great and we were having a good time. Then one of the girls refills her water cup with Diet Coke. It is a relatively small thing, and a huge part of me just wanted to let it go, but it was a great moment to teach integrity and choosing to do the right thing. So, we have the hard conversation. A moment where we can choose to be invested or to check-out.

The negative and rude attitudes in our house are increasing. As Bigs we can choose to just put up with it for the next few weeks until we are gone, or we can figure out how we are going to handle the situation and what we are going to do to challenge the girls in this area. Many moments were we can choose to be invested or to check-out.

We currently have 11 Bigs and 9 Little right now. This means at times their are 8-10 Bigs on coverage. Even on days where there are only 6 of us on coverage, this means we have lots of opportunities where we can take a girl for a walk, or to run an errand with us, or to Sonic's happy hour--just take advantage and have some one-on-one time with the girls. Once again, the choice to be invested or to check-out.

I have just given a girl a consequence and she is upset. Do I just write the consequence down and leave it at that. Or do I follow-up with the girl a little later. Follow-up is often where the most growth happens, not only for the Little, but just in our relationships in general. Do we follow-up or leave the girls alone? Another moment to choose to be invested or to check-out.

I notice a fellow Big and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on something and it might be affecting our relationship. Do I just leave it be and just get through the next month? Or talk to them about it. A moment to choose to be invested or to check-out.

I am giving these scenarios because this is where we are right now.

The summer schedule here is a lot different than the Fall schedule. We are on coverage a lot more. We have less free time and less time off. It is harder to get your personal things done. We still have classes. We all still have things we are struggling with. We all have ways we are still growing and being stretched. We still have Littles who bring us great joy and who challenge us (both positively and negatively). Many of us are weary and tired of growing. Some are tired of the constantness of this place. Some just are not feeling well physically.

In the midst of all this, I am doing my best to take advantage of this final month to keep investing in the girls and in our community as Big Sisters. I don't fee like it is a huge struggle. I don't think I have checked-out. I still care a lot about the people here and it's weird to think I won't be here soon.

The Lord still has things to teach me in this final month. He still has things to do through me.

I am not finished yet (but getting close).

Faithful

2009-07-15T07:37:00.002+09:00

The Lord is so faithful. I just want to take a moment to give praise for His provision.

I shared my need for $1,000. So far, through friends and family, the Lord has provided $700 of the $1,000 needed.

He blows my mind away as I get to wait and see how He provides.

Things you can be praying for...

The rest of ny financial support to come in.
Pray that I would be wise with my finances. I don't think getting a job will be hard once a get to Georgia...however, this is the first time in my life where I don't have a "set" job waiting for me. Therefore, how I steward my money from between now and then is a little different than it has been in the past.
Pray for love for those here and a continued desired to keep investing in my community here and to not "check out"
Pray for my upcoming transition. Another chapter in my life is about to start. There are so many unknowns (sort of goes against my "planner" personality)--that I will continue to trust the Lord through it all.

Why?!?

2009-07-06T03:26:00.002+09:00

Do you ever ask the Lord, "Why?!?" I recently asked this of the Lord.

Let's go back to pre-summer break (late May). I was looking forward to post-summer break in a way that I don't normally look forward to breaks. I always enjoy time with my family, but I was just craving it and couldn't wait. The first weekend of my pre-summer break was spent celebrating my mom's 50th birthday. I loved it! I particularly enjoyed making my mom's strawberry shortcake cake with my sister Shannon and cousin Tammy. I loved Sunday morning when my parents were at church and we were all gathered in the living room putting together my mom's scrapbook. It was Shannon, Alicia, and I along with Tammie, Kirk, and all four of their kids. I loved that we were all doing it together.

I loved spending Memorial Day out at the lake. Shannon at this point returned to Houston, and Kirk and Tammy to Rowlett.

Tuesday was the best car buying experience ever that involved one-on-one time with my dad, lunch with my parents and sister, shoe shopping for my dad, and then sister time at Starbucks. What an awesome day.

Wednesday was spend running errands and frankly I don't even remember what happened on this day besides going to Best Buy and getting a new deck for my car, barbecuing for dinner and Grandad joining us.

Thursday morning I washed my dad's car (thankyou for letting me use it for six months), ran errands (my car needed something replaced at Mazda and then I had to return to Best Buy because the deck in my car was not working). After getting my errands done I came home and washed cars (mom's and mine). And that pretty much took us into Friday.

Now, though there was time in here to enjoy family...it was also a bit busy. I was really looking forward to Friday-Sunday and just relaxing with my family as we celebrated Chris and Laura's wedding. I hadn't seen Shannon all week, but we were meeting in Ft. Worth for the wedding. We all drove up on Friday so that we could go to the wedding rehearsal. My mom rode in my car so I was looking forward to time with her. We (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) were all staying in the same hotel so that meant just hanging out with each other when not doing wedding things. I was looking forward to more sister time. Sunday, after the wedding, we were going to Kirk and Tammy's where I was going to see them again, but also see my grandma and hopefully Tye and Tracy. I had all these grand plans of just enjoying family.

Yeah...that whole last paragraph...I got gypped from. I woke up Friday morning with a sore throat. I didn't think too much of it. However, it only got worse. I literally slept the entire trip to Dallas and by the time we got the hotel was burning up with fever. I didn't go the reception that night and was a bit out of it. I barely woke up to take medicine and attempted at moments to interact with my aunt, sisters, and parents--though I was probably a little out of it. I hated not going to the rehearsal dinner.

Then Saturday came and I was able to get ready, but I was so tired. I had been on antibiotic since the day before, but I was just getting worse. I went to the wedding. Then stopped at Walmart for some medicine--only to find out that there really wasn't a good over the counter medicine to combat my symptoms besides what I was already taking.

I tried going to the reception, but ended up leaving after five minutes and just cried all the way to my room (reception was in the hotel we were all staying at) because I felt so bad but I wanted to be with my family. I cried some more in my room and finally came down and visited with my cousins for 30 minutes to an hour. I finally went back to my room because I was so tires.

Sunday, I got up as soon I could, packed my stuff, and headed to Branson. I was still feeling miserable, but wanted to return home because I would rest better in my home, and in Branson I have a doctor, and know where to get meds, etc. So I make the drive to Branson. As soon as I get back, I do what I have to do, to get out of the Bigs meeting that night, to get permission to miss morning coverage the next day--basically to ensure that Monday I could be off. As soon as all this is done, I literally crash into bed.

I barely said anything to my family on Sunday as I got ready to leave because I felt in a fog. I knew if I didn't leave early, I probably wouldn't make it to Branson-- I had a 9 hour drive ahead of me.

Anyhow, this really is a minor thing. However, about a week later, once I was recovered and had time off...I was looking at my sisters Facebook pictures of the wedding rehearsal and wedding and just started crying. I was mad. Why did I have to not be a part of these memories. For the past 6 years or so, I haven't been able to come to family things. That was hard at times. However, to be there (in the same building and in their presence) but not be able to join them seemed unfair. Why me? Why this time? I looked at the pictures and it was like looking at pictures of a family event I hadn't attended. I had heard the stories about Grandad dancing with his grandkids and daughter in the hallway...but I wasn't a part of it. I don't know. I just really struggled with this. Why did I have to get Strep throat then?

I don't really know that I have any brilliant answers. I still wish it hadn't happened. I still wish I could have been well enough to enjoy my family. I still wish I could have seen my Grandma on Sunday. I still wish it could have played out differently. I don't understand why it had to be this timing for me to get Strep. Buy why not? Why not me? Why not this timing?

There are worse things in life. I think I just somehow felt "entitled" to this time with my family. For my three years in Korea, it makes sense to not get to go family events. It made it easier. Even at times, missing events because I live in Branson. But to take the time off and have the time and then have Strep throat keep you from time with your family. This doesn't make sense. I was looking forward to that time so much more than ever before. I felt like I NEEDED it. So I was disappointed. It's think it's okay to mourn this loss.

I may long for more time with my family, but until He calls me to move back to Texas...I will take what I can get. And I still thank Him for the time I do get with my family. He was so gracious in the first part of my trip. Though it was busy, I still got to enjoy my family a lot. He worked that out. Though I feel like I got gypped from some more good family time...He has purpose in that...even if I don't get it.

I think I will stop now. I don't know that I am communicating well what I am trying to say. But I just feel like I mourned this loss of time with my family and really had to give it over to the Lord. I was surprised that it frustrated me so much for my time with my family to end as it did. I have been away from my family for a bit of time now. I have never had this reaction before to missed time with them.

I am not sure what the Lord has in store for me down the road--to be near or far from my family. However, no matter where He calls me, I want to first be obedient to Him. Sometimes obedience means giving something up. However, He is always faithful to provide. He gives life abundant. He is there when I miss my family.

Happy Fourth of July

2009-07-06T03:11:00.002+09:00

A Quick recap of my last three 4th of July's:

July 4, 2007: Spent at the Hospitality House with friends who were my family. We shared good food and fellowship. At some point in the night we went to the roof of the Hospitality House where we could see fireworks off in the distance. Fireworks, were followed by quiet conversations on the roof top. At one point, I just watched the street below and contemplated my life in Korea. I love looking off the rooftop, down the alleys, ands streets, and listening to the night noises and watching the night activities.

July 4, 2008: I had been back in the States for about a week. I was at my aunt and uncle's property on the lake enjoying good food and family. For once, I was a part of the family event rather than just hearing about them. That night we went out on the boat and I laid on the back part (where you get back into the boat if you have been skiing or knee boarding) and just enjoyed my family and watched fireworks. To this day...this has been the best 4th of July yet.

July 4, 2009: July 4th was actually a normal days of deep cleans and work hours...however, July 3rd was spent at an I Love American celebration put on by a church in Springfield. It was an evening , of Nertz, good conversation, amazing fireworks, and just enjoying my current "family" that is made up of the Big Sisters, Little Sisters, and House Directors here on property in the Girls house.

As I was sitting among our group, enjoying the fireworks, I contemplated the many different 4th of July's I have celebrated and wondered about what next year's celebration might look like. Each has been special in its own way. Each has been spent celebrating it with my "current community"...the one that is has become my family when so far away from my own family. Though there are times when I miss my family, when I miss being able to celebrate holidays with them---I am still thankful for the communities the Lord has allowed me to be a part of and the joy that is found there.

Happy 4th of July.

Smattering of Events

2009-07-06T02:45:00.005+09:00

Tomorrow, the Girls House packs up our vans and heads to Kansas City where we will be on a mission trip. We will be gone four days (Monday - Thursday). I am not sure exactly what we will be doing other than coming alongside some places and serving them.

We currently have 9 Littles and 10 Bigs. Our two House directors will be going as well. Pray that the Lord uses us to be a blessing to others and that He works in all of our hearts. Last week the boys did a mission trip in Kansas City as well. During that trip, three of the boys ran (all were found). I honestly do not know that we have many girls who are flight risks, but you can be lifting this up. A few weeks ago when we went on a camping trip, one of our vans ended up in a ditch. No one was hurt, the road just wasn't wide enough for two cars to pass. We were able to call a tow and get the van out and the van is just fine. All this is to say, you never know what kind of adventures you will have on these trips.

We we get back from the trip, that weekend, we will have five girls who will be gone on home visits. It should be a pretty chill weekend.

Below are a few pictures from the above mentioned trip.

On July 2, I was able to finish a rag blanket (made from old t-shirts). I love it. I would not say that rag blanket style would be something I would love...but I am really enjoying this blanket. It is the project we are making for a sewing class I am teaching along with three other Bigs. We found a place that has a "free closet" where we have been able to go and walk away with a garbage bag full of old t-shirts for free! What a blessing from the Lord as we have no budget for sewing class. Other Bigs and Littles decided they wanted to make a blanket as well. About half of the house is making/has made one. It is fun to teach this skill, but also to create something that will be used for years to come. Mine will be a sweet reminder of my LeadTime year and all the people here.

Recently for House night, we went to a theater in Springfield to see Westside Story. Below is a picture of some of the Bigs and one of our House directors. Though it was just the movie and not a play, it was a great little theater with lots of personality and we had fun. We all got dressed up and just enjoyed the evening.

Wendy, Deana, Erin, Tracy, Meagan, Me, Riley, Lindsey, Claire

Meagan and I

On the 3rd of July, we went to an I Love America celebration through by one of the churches in Springfield. The fireworks were amazing! We just had lots of fun playing nertz, listening to bands, and just hanging out with each other.

We play a lot of Nertz around here and are pretty serious about it.

One of my favorite days on property is Wednesday--community service and Bible Study day. This past week we went to the nursing home and played Bingo with the residents. It was so much fun. The girls were amazing and incredible. They did such a good job--especially considering it was outside a lot of their comfort zones. We also recently helped a single mom with three kids move. This day also was loads of fun and as much a blessing for us as it was for them. I wish I could post pictures of these events...but perhaps one day when all the girls are graduated.

The Right to Love

2009-07-01T06:57:00.002+09:00

I have the right to love when I would rather hate. The People that I have hated are the people that have taught me to truly love as Christ loves. In sixth grade, I was hurt the deepest I have ever been hurt before in my life. All of my friends, the people who were supposed to stand my when no one else would, deserted me. I hated the people who turned my best friend against me. It was at this time when I was so full of hate that I remembered my right as God's child. I have the love of Christ in me. This love is the only weapon that I have to overcome hate. Rather than let hate fill me and destroy me, I must capture love and bind it around my neck until it breaks the chains of hate that are killing my soul. As I take on Christ's love, He opens my eyes to the good characteristics in those I hate. Looking at them through God's eyes of love allows me to see the beautiful person God has created in them. Through responding in love to those I hate, God teaches me to truly love as Christ loves.

Above is an essay I wrote for my Senior year English final. A few weeks ago, I was struggling with being frustrated with Bigs and even the Littles. I'm human. I have reactions to people's reactions to me. I have insecurities. I have lies I believe and that I use to filter and skew circumstances around me. At times I just need an attitude adjustment. At times I just need to get the focus off of myself. Anyhow, I came across this two Monday's ago and the Lord used this to give me an attitude adjustment and to get my focus back where it needs to be.

Praise

2009-07-01T04:04:00.002+09:00

A friend sent in $150 and I received it today! The Lord is working even before I state my needs! I look forward to watching as God continues to bring in the finances that are needed.

YOUR Support is Needed

2009-06-30T11:42:00.003+09:00

As many of you know, I am currently living at a residential care facility for troubled teens. I am in the final two months of my 13 month leadership training program. From here, I am moving to Lawrenceville, Georgia. I do not have a job yet, and at this point, it looks like I will not have a job until I move to Georgia.

Since I have a 24/7 job, my income comes from family and friends.

I have been totally blown away and humbled by the support I have received from so many. Despite this, at this moment, I have $12 to my name. While I have about $756 of support coming in for the next two months, this is not enough to cover my monthly bills (health insurance, car insurance, college loans, etc.) and allow me to save enough for my move to Georgia.

I have done my best to wisely manage my money this year, despite that, this is the situation I have found myself in.

The thousand dollars, will allow me to pay my monthly bills for the next three months, give me money to move to Georgia, and give me a little extra for whatever might come up until I find job.

I ask that you would prayerfully consider supporting me financially. As my time here is quickly coming to a close, your timely response would be extremely encouraging to me during this time. If you would like to financially support me through Doulos Ministries (tax break) please send your support to before August 1:

Doulos Ministries

801 W. Mineral Ave Ste. 202

Littleton, CO 80120

To support directly, please send checks to:

Amber Divers

282 Doulos Rd

Branson, MO 65616

Thanks for taking the time to read about my need. Even if you cannot give financially, I would appreciate your prayers.

Why Georgia?

2009-06-30T09:21:00.006+09:00

If you haven't yet heard the news, I'm moving to Lawrenceville, Georgia in September. As I was visiting with family over post-summer break I realized my own family members do not know why I am making this move. If they are not sure, then others probably are not as well.

Many have asked, Do you have a job there? No. I do not have a job. I am actively pursuing a job as a high school math teacher but have not been very successful. Will I still move to Georgia even if I don't find a job? Yes. I am not moving to Georgia for a job, but because the Lord is asking me to be a part of a community who lives out Christianity and does "church" differently than what most have experience. I am trusting the Lord to provide the job.

Hearing that, people then ask why I'm moving to Georgia. I usually give them the "short" answer - there is a house church and community there I feel called to be a part of. After I give this answer, I have received varied responses.

God has been pulling me away from institutional Christianity for many years. It started in middle school when I felt displaced in my church, grew in college as I was involved in a small church that encouraged community, and grew more when I moved to Korea and was exposed yet to another community and chose a house church as my body of believers (a choice I had to defend on several occasions). Now I am living in a residential care facility for troubled teens and those who I live with are my community. Most of my LeadTime class considers the community we live in as our "church". Most would agree that we feel the community here has challenged our growth in Christ more than any of our previous church experiences. Through all of these experiences, the Lord has built a growing feeling that there is "more" to church than what is commonly experienced on Sunday mornings.

What is this "more" you are talking about? There is a church movement that is becoming known as the "organic" church. Below is an excerpt that describes it.

[It is a] church that is born out of spiritual life instead of being constructed by human institutions and held together by religious programs. Organic church life is a grassroots experience that is marked by face-to-face community, every-member functioning, open-participatory meetings (as opposed to pastor-to-pew services), nonhierarchical leadership, and the centrality and supremacy of Jesus Christ as the functional Leader and Head of the gathering. (see "What is an 'Organic' church?" at housechurchresource.org)

The other key to an organic church is that of apostolic leadership. This style of leadership functions by providing a glorious revelation of Christ as a foundation, assisting the church in growing into every-member functioning, and watching out for problems that will inevitably arise. Apostolic leadership instructs the church in how to live by divine life, how to experience the fellowship of the divine community, and prepares and equips others for apostolic work. These principles are not based on modern or ancient ideals of leadership, but on the foundation of how Christ trained the apostles and how they trained their successors to spread and express the Kingdom of God.

Many house churches lack a commitment to organic church life. Fewer still have any kind of apostolic leadership or even a desire for one.

While I do believe the Lord has "more" for believers than what they are currently experiencing, and I long to share that with others; I have no idea how to share it with people. I know many who have struggled to share with others what God has revealed to them, but others just have not grasped it or understood it. It is hard to get people to be on board with something and crave and desire something that they have not yet experienced. And it is hard for me to share it with others when I feel I am still so new and growing in it myself.

So why Georgia? To move near like-minded people. To grow in community. To learn from people who are further along in this than myself. I am sure there are like-minded people in other areas of this country, however, this is the group that I feel the Lord has called me to be a part of. I know a couple there, Britt and Becca Mooney. They were the directors of the Hospitality House my first year in Korea. Britt also taught Secondary History at my school. These are the people I know there and are part of the community that I am moving to Georgia to be a part of.

The Lord placed it in my heart to contact Britt and Becca months before I actually e-mailed them about joining them. Moving to be a part of a "house church" sounds a little crazy. It's not the reason most people move to a new city.

But God didn't leave me alone, and He kept planting this idea in my head until I one night I finally e-mailed the Mooney's. From that point on, the Lord through a few different things has confirmed this move in my heart. Though at times I still feel like it doesn't make sense... Though at times I struggle with purposefully choosing to live so far from family and not being able to be a part of their everyday lives...I know I need to be obedient to where the Lord has called me. I must seek Him first. Even when it doesn't make sense to others.

I am moving to further experience the very thing that God has revealed to me and laid on my heart. It is not something I can initiate without having experienced it more. As much as I wish I could experience that in Texas-- I do not know where to find it.

I don't know where there Lord is taking me in this journey of community and knowing Him better through His people. How long will I be in Georgia? And where will I go from there? Only God knows. I do know that He has a plan for my life. I know that this is where He is leading me next. I would be crazy not to follow His leading.

I hope this helps you understand a little more why I am moving to Georgia. Perhaps it just raised new questions. If you have questions, I would love to answer them.

Foxy Lady

2009-06-30T09:08:00.003+09:00

Rachel Fox (know as Fox) graduated from Shelterwood this past Thursday. This is a picture of us at church on Sunday. She, Deana (another Big), and I all faithfully attend Telos on Sunday's. For our last Sunday we took a blanket and had church on the lawn outside.

Fox is amazing and truly one of the most self-less people I know. I love you Fox!

We actually had two girls graduate on Thursday. Ashley (pictured below) also graduated. And a month or so ago, Natalie graduated. Our girls are moving on and returning to their families. Graduation is always bittersweet. Sad to see them go because we miss them, but excited that they get to return to their families and life outside of Shelterwood.

Natalie, Ashley, Julie

The Blessing of My Car

2009-06-30T09:04:00.001+09:00

About two weeks before pre-summer break, the Lord laid it on my heart that it was time for me to return my dad’s car to him and to buy my own. Upon returning to Korea, I did not initially buy a car because I am living off of support this year and cars cost money. I had been told you can survive your year here without a car. Added to that, when I returned to the States I wasn’t sure how long I would be nor if I wanted to buy a car with my Korean retirement or if I wanted to do the whole loan and car payment thing.

Anyhow. I now know I will be in the States for a time. I also decided it would be best to just to buy within my means—purchasing a used car with my Korean retirement. I had $4,000 to buy a car—tax, title, and license.

While $4,000 is a decent chunk of change, I was not expecting to get a fabulous car. Then about a week before break I found out my sister had a friend who lives in Springfield who was selling her car because she was moving back to India. I got on Craig’s List just to see how her car was priced. While doing this, I was pleasantly surprised and realized I would get a nicer car in my price range then I had thought.

Anyhow, Alicia’s friend wanted a little more for her car than I had. No problem. Tuesday of pre-summer break was set-aside to purchasing a car. I got online and checked out classified on Monday night so I would be prepared for Tuesday. My mom and aunt also got online and checked out cars as well. I searched cars within the $2500 to $3600 price range. My mother went all the way up to $4500. What was she thinking?! I couldn’t afford that much. Anyhow, they found this car on auto-trader for $4400. They, my mom and aunt, said I should check it out because it was at a dealer and they said I had better bargaining power. I sort of ignored them just putting the car as above what I had.

Tuesday morning comes. I grab my papers that I had organized into 1) check these out first 2) check these out second and 3) last resort cars. Basically, I discover none of the cars in my first category had phone numbers. Sort of had the same thing for my second category and my third category had phone numbers. What can you do? Tuesday was buy a car day. So I make several phone calls and no one answers. I finally get someone to answer—so we, my dad and I, leave to check it out.

It was a Mazda Protégé. I don’t remember the details except that is was a dealer in the South side of San Antonio (not the best side). Anyhow, the two people we got a hold of both had Protégé’s. This car was listed in Consumer Magazine as one of the cars to look for in my price range. I had in my hand the print off of the car from Auto Trader—it was Protégé as well. We also passed the dealer that had it on our way to the other one. So we drop by just to check it out and have something to compare it to.

Anyhow, we get there. Now I don’t expect to particularly love the look of the used car I buy. However, when I walk up to this car, I actually like the way it looks. Before we look at the car, my dad tells them we only have $4,000, tax, title, and license and would they be willing to sell it to us for the lower price (it was listed at $4400 and blue booked at $4600). Juan, our sales guys, quickly checks with his manager and he says yes. So after liking this car after test driving it—I had a decision to make and decided to buy it. Why not? It was the first car I looked at, but it was newer and had lower miles than I expected. I liked the way it looked. It is in good shape. And because it was bought at a dealer they get to do all the paperwork for tax, title, and license. So I buy it for $3,999.99.

It was the best car buying experience I have ever had. Because I had cash the paper work was easy and by lunch or a little before everything was signed and dated. When we looked at the car it hadn’t even been cleaned from it’s previous owners. So I couldn’t pick up the car to take it home until 5:30 that evening. My dad and I kill some time in town and then meet my mom and sister at Bill Miller’s for lunch. From there we go shoe shopping with my dad. We end up re-grouping and my sister and I chilled at Starbuck’s while my mom and dad went to another area of town to shoe shop. I loved that part of my car buying experience included time to just hang out with my family and enjoy their company. My sister and I pick my car up at 5:30 and it’s a done deal.

I have now had my car for almost a month. The longer I have it the more I love it. I know I might not have needed to give you all the details I did about my car buying experience, but I feel like the Lord totally handed me a gift with my car. I never would have looked at the car if it hadn’t been for my aunt, mom, and my dad. It is so nice. I love it and just want to give Him all the praise and honor. He didn’t have to bless me with this car—but He did. I could’ve found this car after a much more frustrating car shopping experience…but He orchestrated events so that it was the first car we looked at. I never would have looked at the car if it hadn’t been for my aunt, mom, and my dad.

Thank you Lord. May car is Your car. May I use it to be a blessing to others as you have blessed me.

Oh yeah..within a week of buying my car my mom text’s me and tells me I have a check from Mazda. It didn’t cost as much to put the title in my name as they thought so I received a check for $68. My car insurance is $68 a month! That is totally the Lord. One more cool little thing the Lord did for me.

Time Warp

2009-06-22T04:04:00.011+09:00

**WARNING** This isn't the most exciting blog, but felt like giving you a glimpse into our summer activities here in Branson. I started blogging for my family, and I know that at my mother will enjoy hearing these details.

So about two weeks ago, I went to journal, thinking only a week had passed by since my last journal entry. Yeah. I looked at the date of my last entry and it was May 1, 2009. At the time is was June 4th. How can a month go by that quickly!? I even thought back to the last event I had journaled about and had a hard time believing a month had really gone by.

Right before writing this blog entry I looked at my blog to see when it was the last time I blogged. It was April! Anyhow...the only explanation I have for this is that a time warp that has made a month and a half feel like a week.

I will write a post soon that lets you know a little more where my heart is/ what the Lord is teaching me...but for now let me take a moment to give you a quick update on the past months events.

Room Changes: We have two girls who graduate on Thursday and on that day we will only have 9 Little Sisters and 11 Big Sisters. For a good chunk of the year we have had 15 Littles. We have enough beds in the main house for 13 Littles and 5 Bigs. We also have two cabins that can hold a maximum of 4 people. I will finish my time here in Cabin 2 which I share with Emily Crow...another Big Sister here. We will probably never have Littles living with us though we have space for two.

The Lord has really worked out the timing in this. I am so thankful that this is my last room assignment. I love being able to "stay home" on my days/time/weekends off. Not only do I not have to pack up my things and pre-think what I want to do with my time off--it is so much cheaper. I am at a point where I need to save money so I have something when I leave this place so the Lord has worked it all out so well.

I thought I would struggle not having Littles living in a room with me. You miss out on a lot of relationship stuff and just are not with them quite as much. However, I have found I am enjoying this time. Because I don't have Littles in my room, I feel like I able to connect with more girls as I "fill in" when Bigs are off. The Lord is so gracious in this time. I was concerned I might feel more disconnected and He is showing me otherwise.

Flemings visit! Kenny, Nicole, Faith, and William Fleming stopped and visited me in May on their way to Texas. I was so bless by their visit. I know them from Korea and they are good friends. Their friendship and our fellowship is what got me through some of my harder months in Korea.

Pre-summer break:

Celebrated my Mommie's 50th birthday

Sadly, this is the only picture I have of the event.

Bought a car

and

Got strep just in time for my cousin's wedding--so I really didn't get to enjoy family or celebrate Chris and Laura's marriage.

Summer Schedule: We jumped right into summer schedule upon returning from pre-summer break. What does this mean? It means the Littles are only in school from 9 until noon--we get to sleep in 30 minutes every morning. It also means we are on coverage more. We used to have from noon until 2:30 a few times a week for down time. In all fairness, we do get random hours here and there.

We keep our girls busy in fun ways to fight off summer boredom. Monday night is movie night. Tuesday is game night. Wednesday is Community Service from 1-5. Thursday is HD Fun night (house director's plan the activity). Friday is room night (Hang out as a room). And Saturday is Adventure Day and House night (the entire house does something together). I, along with two other Bigs, are in charge of planning Community Service. I was pumped to be given this assignment as I have always loved it!

Also in the summer we get to teach a class on Fridays. The girls only have summer school Monday through Thursday. I have known about this all year and to be quite honest, despite the fact that I am a HS Math teacher panicked about this. Why? Because for forever this year I couldn't think what I would teach other than math. How silly is this? This is not the only skill I have, but it took a long time (9 months) to even think of something. We had to write down three things we were willing to teach. I submitted hiking, lap swimming, and sewing. Sewing won, so I get to teach a sewing class on Friday along with two other Bigs. We have two Littles in our class as we are all making Rag Blankets and I am supper excited about this.

Kelly, Chelsie, and I at a park in Springfield on Adventure Day.

Tracy and Deana who are addicted to Spicy Cheetos

Claire and I posing while on dinner.

Oh yeah..Bigs also got to go on a rafting trip without Littles (an entire day and half with no Littles just to enjoy each other and fellowship without "parenting"--pure BLISS!)

This past week we took the girls on a two day, one night camping trip.

And that is a glimpse into what I am up to these days. I am sure I left out many important and significant events...but as I said...it just a glimpse.

Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered

2009-04-29T13:30:00.005+09:00

The song below by Jeremy Riddle, describes where I am currently. I don't know that I understood this song at a heart level until recently. I am in a season of brokenness. Being broken is only sweet when you are on your knees wholly surrendered to the Triune God.

I don't know that there is a lot to add, but I have been contemplating/meditating on this concept these past few weeks as this is where they Lord has me.

Enjoy!

Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

Georgia!

2009-04-29T12:38:00.003+09:00

I figured I would go ahead and share with you my thoughts and plans for the fall. It is right around the corner and people are starting to inquiring. I have a maximum of 3 1/2 months left here! CRAZY. Time has gone by so fast.

Next year I am moving to Lawrenceville, Georgia (near Atlanta).

Why? A number of reasons. Basically, Britt and Becca Mooney (Britt was the History teacher at my school and he and his wife were the directors of the Hospitality House my first year in Korea) live there and lead a house church and are part of a community that I am interested in.

This is something the Lord placed on my heart and continued to bring up until one day I decided to shoot them an e-mail. I received a good response from them and have continued to pray about and the Lord has continued to confirm this move since then.

I am currently trying to find a teaching job in alternative education in Gwinnett County. This is hard as there are not many alternative schools in the area. I have contacted the school I would like to work at, GIVE East, and they said they would not know if they had positions until after June 8th. The new teacher start date is July 27th, so if that works out, it'll happen fast.

I am under contract here in Missouri until August 31st. I have permission to leave early if I find a teaching job. If I don't find a teaching job, I will finish here. Visit Texas and then move to Georgia. Once in Georgia, find a job ASAP.

I really am non-stressed about all the details. I am doing what I can and leaving the rest up to God. If I don't teach, then the Lord has a plan in it. Yes, knowing I have a job will financially be more secure. I don't have a ton of money that I have been able to save up this year. And it cost me more to move back from Korea than anticipated. Hence, my saving account isn't has full as it was in August. Typical life stuff. I will admit, at times, I look at my savings account and wonder how it will all work out if I don't find a job right way--mainly because I need to buy a car in a few months.

However, I do know this. The Lord has always been my faithful provider. Whether that be through a job that pays or people sending me support in the mail. This year, as the Lord is providing finances through others gifts and not by me earning a paycheck, the Lord faithfully places it on someone's hard to send me money each month. I always have enough. It never fails that right as I am running low, I get more support in the mail. He had proven faithful so many times to me, not only this year, but in the past as well. I truly do trust Him in this and am not stressed or worried.

It really didn't take long to say what I am doing next year!

Things you can pray for:

That I would be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.
That I would have eyes to see the spiritual battle waging war around.
That I would not grow weary of doing good.
That the Lord would be glorified through me.
For my job next year. That if I am to teach, He will open the doors for that to happen and for me to know to know what to do if I find a job at a regular school before I hear from GIVE East.
That the Lord will provide a car in the right time and in my price range.
That I would continue to trust God with the future.

Graduates

2009-04-23T14:10:00.011+09:00

Once a Little graduates from Shelterwood we are allowed to post pictures and use their real names. I don't know that there is a ton to say other than it takes a lot to graduate from this program. I have never posted pictures of graduates and would like to take a moment to honor those who have graduated since I have arrived. I will start with today's graduate and work my way back in time. It gets tricky finding pictures of only them that don't have other Littles in them!

Today, one of my Littles graduated. Rachel, better known as Frenzy, graduated Shelterwood today. I am so proud of her and am honored to have roomed with her and gotten to know her. She is amazing.

This is the best picture I have of us. I have a better one trapped on my camera from today.

This is Casey. She graduated right before Spring Break. We both got to go on the Gulf Coast Trip this past October. I really enjoyed getting to know her better on this trip.

This is Savannah. On some day off of school I took her and another Little to a state park and we enjoyed nature. This is me trying to be creative and improve my photography skills. That is my shoe and Savannah was throwing rocks into the water. I loved this day!

This is Julie. She and I shared a room when I first got here and she graduated in December. I believe I refered to her as Charity in some past post/e-mails. We butted heads a lot and are both really stubborn people, but in the end, we were really able to enjoy each other and form a friendship.

This is Jordan. She graduated not too long after we got here. I did not know here really well, but she added a lot of life to this house and was a good leader. We had a really great talk at the K-Life Barn for house night once that I will always remember. It was right before she left and I wish I had had the time to know her better.

This is Adrian. She was our first graduate and graduated a few days, maybe a week before Jordan. I didn't know her very well at all. However, she has a great smile and I enjoyed watching her leadership in the house.

We had one other graduate, Hillary who graduated in December around the time that Julie did. I don't have picture of just her though.

Now for a few more pictures because I can.

This post is inadequate to honor them. However, I wanted you meet a few of our girls.

Potty Training

2009-04-03T13:04:00.003+09:00

The other day I was reading in the book A Better Way: A Case for Love. God always directs my reading and below is an excerpt from this book as he is discussing the process of being transformed by the renewing of our minds:

"...recently my wife and I potty trained our son. Now, we could not have done this if the ability was not already inherent within him to do so. He had the innate ability to put his waste in the toilet, but his experience up until that point had been different. Because of this contrast between his experience and his ability, there was resistance in the potty training. He had accidents. We got frustrated. Our frustration was not that he missed the mark as much as that he was able to do something but wasn't confident in that ability. To be clear, the only real change that had to occur in him was a different way of thinking. Instead of being immature and putting it in his diaper for someone else to clean up, he had to be responsible for his own bodily functions.

Fortunately, our son eventually developed confidence in this ability and operates fairly easily within it now.

For believers, this is much the same. We have been given the mind of Christ. We have the innate ability to think like Jesus. But because we've lived much of our lives thinking apart from God and the Holy Spirit, this takes a radical change and training to just cooperate with the mind that God had placed within you.

There will be great resistance in the flesh. There will be accidents. Some struggles take years of discipline to correct in our thinking. God, in His mercy, gives us great tribulations as opportunities to reveal the divine nature that already exists within us. These tribulations produce perseverance, and perseverance produces character. What kind of character? The character of God. And as our character is renewed to mirror our Heavenly Father, we increase in hope of eternal and spiritual things."

I think that this year is a lot about being okay with the mess of potty training. It's okay to have accidents as they are part of the process of transforming my mind to think like Christ.

I don't really have a ton to add. Do you ever read things and think, "Yes! That's what I've been thinking about and they said it so well!" or "Yes! This author is echoing my thoughts. I might be on the right track." That's what this was. Not only that, but just the day before I had been talking to a Little about this very thing. I shared with her this passage since it even refers to the verse that I had referred to in our discussion about why tribulations are in life--a popular topic around her.

Humbled

2009-04-03T12:52:00.003+09:00

That people would be willing monthly give me financial support. WOW.

That people send in one-time donations...all generous...WOW.

That people would send me gift cards. WOW.

That people would send me things of my wish list. WOW.

That people would write me notes of encouragement. WOW and WOW again.

That a lot of my supporters are not people from my everyday life or even those I have had contact with for years. WOW.

That you see the Lord at work in my life. WOW.

I just want you all to know that I am humbled by your support and words of encouragement. Any good you see in my life is totally God. Praise be to Him. I feel like I live just a bunch of really ordinary days as I do my best to walk in His will for my life. It blesses my heart that you can see how God can take ordinary moments and make something of them. Your words of encouragement are so uplifting and keep me going-especially on the hard days.

I had support while in Korea, but I have been blown away by the support I have received this year as I am walking through this journey of LeadTime.

Thanks for your love.

We all have our issues.

2009-04-03T12:39:00.003+09:00

There are many lessons the Lord is teaching me this year, but one of the main ones would be that we all have our issues.

Sometimes I grow weary of my personality. While it can be a great strength, there are some pitfalls that come with it. There are some common lies in my life that I like to believe based off past hurt and so I use that hurt as a lens to view other situations. Then I listen as Satan speaks lies to me and I speak lies over myself.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have certain struggles related to my personality and long for the day when this one thing will no longer be an issue.

But really...I am understanding that we all have our issues.

I have my thorn. But in it His grace is sufficient and His strength is perfected in me through my weakness. This is a good thing. So rather than wish my issues away, I really just need to allow God to be glorified through them.

Honestly, even if this one issue did disappear, I would just have another one that would need dealt with--it's a never ending cycle! I also believe we all have our issues to keep us humble and dependent on Him and one another.

Simple Joy

2009-03-30T13:45:00.004+09:00

I just thought I would share with you one of my simple joys of the weekend. I had the weekend off. I take advantage of my weekends off to cook food--something I don't get to do often here. Tonight I had salmon and greenbeans.

Not only did it taste wonderful, but it felt good to put food into my body that is good for it!

Cardboard Testimony

2009-03-30T13:32:00.004+09:00

This Friday for our LeadTime chapel we did this thing called cardboard testimonies. Click here

to go to YouTube and checkout cardboard testimonies.

Basically a cardboard testimony is where you take a piece of cardboard and on the front you write who you were before Christ (view of yourself, bondage, struggle), and on the back you write who are are now in Christ.

Everyone got 10-15 minutes to create their testimony, then each of us one by one came up and shared ours just as they did in the video.

A relatively simple exercise, but extremely powerful. Surprisingly so.

I challenge you to take the time to create your own and to share it. Share it with a friend or click comments and share it there.

I believe there is a lot of power in sharing it--then it has a voice and is a testimony rather than a cardboard thought.

What is your cardboard testimony?

Monday Coffee

2009-03-02T23:50:00.003+09:00

One of my favorite parts of each week is Monday coffee. I have two little in my room. Each Monday I take one of them out for "coffee". I don't drink coffee so I am trying to find something at Starbucks that I just LOVE--maybe one day it will happen. Any non-coffee suggestions?

Back on topic...I love the one-on-one time with my girls and I find this is just normally a great time to talk, encourage, pray for, and just enjoy each others company.

I just got back from a weekend off, and upon returning I had more support I received from a few different people. I also got a Wal-mart gift card in the mail right before my weekend off (thanks Uncle Lee). Anyhow, I couldn't help but think of all of my supporters this morning as I was driving back to property.

You guys make Monday Coffee possible.

Not only financially, but all of you praying for me and my relationships here.

Thanks. You are making a difference through your support of me.

I am currently going through a time of painful growing as God is revealing a lot of sin in my life. The Lord is in the process of transforming me, and the process isn't as fast as I would like. I have to be patient with myself and be okay with the process and the fact that others have to feel the effects of my sin.

All seasons are different, but I thank all of you who are supporting me and making this season of my life possible.

YOU are truly amazing.

Submission

2009-03-02T01:18:00.002+09:00

I am currently reading the following books:

Crazy Love
Sex God
Journey to Intercession
A Better Way: A Case for Love
Praying the Names of God
1 Samuel
Celebration of Discipline
Hinds Feet for High Places
Discipleship Essentials

Yes, that is a lot of books, however, they are the ones the Lord has me in right now. When it comes to non-fiction I don't tear through them in the same manner that I devour fiction. This is the first time I have ever been reading this many non-fiction at once. Two of the books are guides to prayer. One is a book from the Bible. One is a book for my Spiritual Disciplines class so I am reading it as we cover each discipline, one book is for girls group, one is for our Discipleship triads, and the other three are just because they interest me.

So when I have a random hour to read, I go to my desk and choose one of these books. What I find amazing is how God orchestrates it all. Almost every time I pick of one of these books, the chapter I am on in that book is extremely relevant to what the Lord is showing me in other places as well. A week or so ago, if felt like God was cramming Creation down my throat. Telos, the church I am currently attending, was talking about it, our discipleship book talked about it, we discussed it in our Truth Project class, Sex God had a chapter about it, and there were other sources.

This week the topic is submission. This is a topic our Leadership has brought up to our LeadTime class as it is an area where many of us need to grow. When we came here we signed a contract that said we wouldn't drink, watch R rated movies, and a number of other things. We also are not suppose to have any facial piercing. While these seem like small things, they are things our Leadership has asked us not to do for this year. I have been involved in Christian organizations for a time and it is standard stuff-other the R rated movies.

In high school and college there are two verses that greatly influenced all of my actions. There are a number of other verses that deal with submission and why we should, but in the moment these are normally the verses that pop into my brain the help me to submit and to do so with the right attitude. two passages that I filtered a lot of my attitudes and actions through are:

Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, do it heartlily as for the Lord and not for man."
and
Romans 13:1, "Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God."

The first time this topic was discussed with our LeadTime class, I have sat silently in the discussion and dint not contributed much. I didn't feel like this was an area that I struggled in. I used to deal with this a lot more, but I feel like I have a healthy view of submission. Despite this, I didn't share any of what I had learned. I felt prompted to, but then I kept my mouth shut.

Then I read a chapter in Foster's book about the spiritual discipline of submission. I really enjoyed the chapter and thought he explained things well. I love it when the Lord has taught you something and then He confirms through what you read or discuss with other people. This is how I felt as I read this chapter.

One idea that Foster throws out that I particularly like that I hadn't really thought much on was the freedom that comes with the discipline of submission. He does with all the disciplines. He discusses the freedom that comes with that spiritual discipline. The freedom of submission is the freedom to not have to have your own way. This is huge, and as I thought about it so true. Now, I tend to be a control person and I like to have my own way. However, I have found this to be so true. The other idea he focuses a lot on is the concept that as we should submit to one another in love because we value and recognize the worth of the other individual.

He also discusses how a husband is to submit to his wife, and how masters are to submit to their slaves.

So the next day we are in class discussing this idea of submission. Classmates are still struggling with this. I share some of the perspective I have gained over the years. I read a few quotes from Foster. Then as I am sitting there listening to this discussion of submission, the Lord presses upon my heart that while I do a pretty good job of submitting to my authority, I need to work on the other part of submission. The Lord often places me over people. He challenged me in how I was doing in submitting to those under me.

There is Scripture after Scripture about a leaders role in submission. Then even more so, there is Jesus' example. He humbled Himself in every way possible to come down to earth and to serve us by paying the punishment we deserved for our sin. As if that wasn't enough, during His time on earth, He practiced submission, not only to the Father, but to others. He selflessly served others. He regarded others as more important than Himself. He chose not to exert His power in situations where we were better served by His suffering through His humanity.

Man, I have some room for growth in this area of submission. I started contemplating my attitude in serving the Littles and my fellow Bigs. I thought back to Korea and how I submitted to my students, to my co-workers. A

After class was over though I had this amazing revelation from the Lord, I didn't do much with it outside of a quick prayer to the Lord. The other day, I decided to read through 1 Samuel. It starts with the story of Hannah and her desire for children. While I don't know that everyone would consider the first chapter or so a story of submission, I see submission in it. Hannah begs the Lord to open her womb and allow her to bear a child. She promises that if the Lord does this she will give her son to the Lord. The Lord grants her wish and as soon as he is weaned Hannah follows through on her promise. What trust she has in the Lord. Here she finally has the son her heart has longed for, for years. At the time that she gave Samuel over to the Lord she had no guarantee that she would ever bear another child. How hard this must have been for her, yet she does so joyfully. She is submitting herself and her son to the Lord.

Last night I wasn't quite ready for bed so I grab Sex God to read a chapter. I am on the chapter titled, "Worth dying for". This chapter discusses the topic of submission. It stresses the value we have and a Biblical view of submission. It discusses submission and the role that both people play in submission and coming to realize the beauty of mutual submission, not only in a marriage relationship, but in other ones as well. It was the exact idea the Foster discussed. It hammered in what the Lord showed me at the end of class.

Our submission should come out of a reverence for Christ. It should come out of recognizing others for the extreme worth and value they have. Even in the small things, we can honor God and others through our willingness to die to ourselves--even when the things we are being asked to submit in seem trivial and stupid and of no eternal value. I can honor the Lord, and our leadership, by not watching an R rated movie this entire year. A simple thing that at first glance could be very minor and inconsequential, really is an opportunity to live for His kingdom.

By submitting, I honor God and others. I show the Lord that I recognize this small thing He is asking of me for this year and what to honor Him in this. I want to practice submission to Him in the small things so that when He asks me to submit to Him in the bigger things that are hard, it is easier.

Lord, may I not forget the commands You have given to masters and parents in their attitudes and the ways they are to serve those under them. May Your truths be written on my heart so that I might not sin against You. May I never forget the extreme value and worth of those around me--those whom You found worth dying for.

Weekend Off

2009-03-01T05:56:00.009+09:00

It's weird, but I actually have every weekend in March off. I technically don't have next weekend off, but it is LeadTime Family Weekend so its basically having the weekend off.

So I started today off with giving my blog a make-over. I really love the way it works and best of all this layout works well with blogger and hopefully I won't continue to have weird formatting issues. I hope you enjoy the new look!

Anyhow, I am pumped about this weekend. I am staying at the Conner condo with Megan. We went to the store to buy junk food and then watched In Her Shoes together. I also have rattled Megan's ear off today and she hasn't seemed to mind.

I got to talk to Jamie for an hour and a half today! It was so much fun. She, Kara, and I called ourselves JAK last year. We are all best friends and meet at least every Sunday to share our weeks with each other, to encourage one another, we grew together, we shared frustrations, and rejoiced together, had JAK retreats at the Dragon Hill in Seoul, and I could go on for awhile. We all three went to Hong Kong for a week before all going our seperate ways (me to the USA, Kara to Korea, and Jamie to Germany). That was mid June and the last time was talked. So I was tremendously BLESSED by today's conversation to catch up. Below are but a few of my favorite memories with these ladies...though really I could post about 50 pictures to even begin to share them with you.

On a junk boat in Hong Kong

Seeing Becoming Jane and then Nanny Diaries in the Korean theater.

The Complete Works of Shakespeare in Seoul to celebrate Jamie's birthday.

Everland

Insadong? I cannot believe I have already forgotten the name of that market!

1/11 Pepero Day!

Making Menuedo and Lumpia for the Hospitality House

Lovely Day

2009-02-15T15:04:00.005+09:00

QUICK NOTE: This title is in memory of Korea.

Today was one of the best Valentine’s Day I have had in awhile. I went to bed disgruntled with the Littles attitudes and annoyed and frustrated at myself and my reactions to them—the fact that it bothered me internally so much. I think outwardly I maintained my cool.

I have been asking the Lord to show me ways to show my love for the Littles outside of consistency in consequencing. Yesterday, when I realized Valentine’s Day was nearly here, I snuck off to Walmart and bought flowers and cute heart cups to put them in. My daddy always used to give all of his girls flowers on Valentine’s Day and I loved it. Also, I just love flowers and figure other girls do as well.

So I got up this morning to get the flowers ready. As I battled in my head the best way to give them to the girls, the Lord gave me the brilliant idea of placing them on the tables for the girls at breakfast. Chelsie, a Big, and one of my Littles, were already making pink heart pancakes for breakfast as a surprise for everyone. They even made the milk pink. It was fun. I could tell several of the girls felt loved and special. Thank you Lord for the ideas and the means!

We do a Saturday morning devotion as a house every Saturday after breakfast. This morning we went into the woods on property a bit and then sat and spent a little time with the Lord. For the last few minutes we broke into pairs and prayed with each other. I was in a triplet with Chelsie and Megan. I was blessed to be able to pray for these two incredible ladies and was ministered to through Megan’s prayer for me.

After devo is always work project. This week I was assigned to clean the school with Megan and three Littles. It started off a little rough with a little bit of attitude. My work projects often start this way. AIGOO! Anyhow, I ended up working with one of the Littles, we will call her Ruth, for the next couple of hours trying to fix our vacuum. We did several things and at one point even got my screwdriver from my lock box and was taking the bottom apart. We were not completely successful, though by the end it did vacuum better and at least got us through deep cleans. I just really enjoyed the time with Ruth and I really loved trouble shooting. It was just a fun work project.

After lunch, I had lunch clean-up with Megan and a few Littles. After that it is room and house deep cleans and then serving consequences. This is always a crazy busy time and today was no different. However, after an hour or so things calm down as everyone finishes deep cleans and settles into various pursuits. I was schedule to serve the five o’clock work hour but it ended up that no Littles were available to serve at that time. Instead I played Skipbo in the living room for about an hour with one of the Littles in my room. My sisters and I used to play Skipbo all the time and I had tons of fun.We played Skipbo up until dinner.

After dinner, Wendy, myself, and three Littles were chilling in the house waiting for dinner clean-up to be over so room night (where your room does something fun together for the night) could begin. In this time I was able to visit with Lindsey (house director), take a shower, prepare meds, and have a one-on-one conversation with one of the Littles who I could tell was just really frustrated.

For room night, we made dinner and dessert. We got a couple really good pictures that I wish I could share with you guys. Wendy and one of our Littles made dessert, while myself and our other Little made dinner. I made Pancit (Filipino dish). It was so yummy and then started watching Forrest Gump. It was just a good time with our girls. Dessert needed more chill time so we will partake of it tomorrow!

The Lord loved on me in ALL sorts of ways today! Also today, I had a few good interactions with Grace (see previous post/e-mail), I got a Valentine’s greeting from my Mommie, a phone call from my grandmother, card from Lindsey, and a fun-dip from Wendy. Yesterday, I received a Valentine’s card from my parents with messages inside and a gift card to Target.

I just wanted to share with you this day where God showered His love on me in so many ways and through so many different people.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Our LeadTime Class

2009-02-14T05:25:00.005+09:00

Top: Deana, Chelsie, Me, Tracy, John,

Middle: John, Daniel

Bottom: Emily, Claire, Tye, Andrew, Megan, Matt, Wendy, Erin, Kelly

Praise and Prayers

2009-02-14T05:11:00.003+09:00

Let's start with the praises. Praise God that He is the miracle worker. That He is infinitely huger than everything. Praise the Lord for community, even when it is hard. Praise God for the lessons He teaches us. Praise God for friends who send me e-mails and notes of encouragement. Praise the Lord for good conversations. One of our Littles celebrated her 16th birthday yesterday. She tends to think real negatively about herself. Yesterday, she felt loved. You could tell she had a really good birthday. Praise the Lord for orchestrating the events and interactions of the day to express Love to her. Praise God for the hard conversations that sometimes have to be had.

Now for a quick update: In our house, when things are calm, it generally means girls are not dealing wtih stuff. It's been relatively calm lately. A few things have come up but not much. Well, the flood gates have let loose and a lot of things are coming. In this case, it started on Sunday evening when two girls and two boys where caught breaking rules on a time-out (time-outs are a privilege not a punishment). I won't go into all the details, because while it might be easy to spout out some of the ways girls are reacting, I don't know that you really need to know and I really don't want sharing prayer requests to become a gossip thing. Anyhow, that event happens to be the one God used to bring up things the girls need to grow in. Despite the girls emotions, I have been extremely encouraged by the way we Bigs are handling it. Despite the "craziness" there is a calm. That is the Lord. Praise Him for His work in all of our lives.

Before we did room changes, the relationship between me and one of my Littles, we will call her Grace, became strained. I am not sure what happened. I have tried to talk with her about it, but just said that things were fine. So I have let her be. Anyhow, being one of my Littles, the Lord has placed in my heart a huge love for Grace. It's been hard having our relationship off. Since room changes, she has grown more distant and I do my best to have minimal interaction with her, just to respect her desire to have space from me. Anyhow, she is currently dealing with a lot of stuff. She is now to the point where she refuses to have interaction with me and is just extremely disrespectful to me and is treating me bad. While I now she is dealing with stuff and I am one of the people she is taking it out one, it is hard. It's not fun.

And a personal quick update: I have had some pretty hard cries these past two days. Yesterday, started with me needing to leave one of our morning meetings early because I was hurt by words that were said. From that point, I literally cried until about 4:00 off and on. I never went much more than an hour before tears would just start running down my face and at others times it would be full out sobs. Then this morning, I had another interaction with Grace. I sobbed for a time. My heart is broken for Grace. This morning just got to the point where tears/sobbing is how I released it. This place makes you cry. I have cried so much here. I have often prayed that the Lord would help me to cry more. I got it! He's teaching me to cry this year, or allowing me to.

I had a lot of time to journal and pray about why I was so upset. I have just had lots of interactions with Littles where they are really disrespectful and hurtful. I value relationship so much, and I am just going through a spurt where I feel like they are denying me that by not really wanting anything to do with me. The day before my "cry day", it felt like I didn't have a single good interaction. After spending a lot of time with the Lord yesterday journaling and really being ministered to through the song I Am Nothing by Jeremy camp--I went into coverage not very optimistic but dependent upon the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom in my interactions. There are two prayers of my heart the Lord has given me for this year. This first is that I would have eyes to see the spiritual battle what is waging war around and that I would be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Going into yesterday, I was really going into it with that focus. Yesterday evening wasn't the best coverage night. I ended up getting cussed out, I had another girl upset with me about another interaction from the day before, and other stuff. However, also, I had really good conversations with both of the girls in my room, with Emily (a Big), I got an opportunity to just listen to another Little vent her frustrations as she hit the punching bag. After a bigger event, the one in which I got cussed out, I got an opportunity to pray with Emily (Grace's current Big Sister) on the porch for Grace, and several other blessings in the middle of it all. The Lord is so gracious.

Now for the prayer part: If you think of us. We wold appreciate your prayers as we walk beside the girls in this. Below I will list a few things you can more specifically pray for.

Pray that I would have eyes to see the spiritual battle waging war.
Pray that I would be quick to listen, slow the speak, and slow to anger.
Pray for Grace. Pray that she would know Truth. Pray that the Lord would comfort her heart. Pray that the Lord would use the events of this past week to be her "turning point" here.
Pray for my relationships with Bigs. Overall, I feel they are solid, but we have three new female Bigs and I am still learning how to read, love, and support them and build relationship with them.
Pray that I would be humble. Pray that my words would be life-giving. Pray that the Lord would give me wisdom in all of my interactions.
Pray as the Spirit leads!

Oh yeah, I have had a really good day. Despite this hard time, I am doing well. It's weird as I have had some pretty crappy days. However, it in all I have really felt loved as well by my fellow Bigs, but the Littles, and the staff here. This morning the Littles could tell I was having a hard morning (my face was red from crying and tears were falling down my face) and most of them of came and gave me a hug. A huge blessing from the Lord.

I love you guys and value your love, prayers, and support SO MUCH!

Amazed by God,

Amber

Random Thoughts

2009-02-04T22:25:00.002+09:00

So I have been sleeping on what most people would call crappy beds for a time now. In Korea, the beds literally are almost as hard of the floor. So basically, I sleep really well when I sleep on crappy mattresses. I can even sleep better on the floor than on a lot of people's good mattresses.

Most other Bigs sleep on my bed in the house and wake up with aches and pains. When I visited my sister this past weekend and slept on her bed (she has a really good mattress--most people just melt into the mattress and are in heaven) I woke up with aches and pains.

Part of me wants to never buy a good mattress--if I have to sleep on the floor I can. I am currently content with my low quality mattress. Is it weird that I am conflicted about weather or not I ever want to get my body used to sleeping on a higher quality mattress?

Good Friends

2009-02-04T14:23:00.002+09:00

This past weekend my best friend Kara who lives in Korea was in Arlington for her sister's wedding. So I got the weekend off and road tripped to Arlington. I went to the wedding and then we hung out later. I spent the night and of course we stayed up late talking. I had to leave the next morning by 10 am to make it back to Branson.

The wedding wasn't until 5 pm on Saturday. So I contacted my good friends Jill and Zane and we went to lunch and hung out for a few hours and just enjoyed each others company. I wish I had gotten a picture withe them, but I didn't.

It was a blessing from the Lord to visit with these friends. The thing I love about old friends (in time not age) is that you don't have to see each other often or even talk all the time, but when you do see each other you just thoroughly enjoy each others company and pick up where you left off.

I love you Jill, Zane, and Kara. Thanks for a great weekend.

LeadTimers

2009-02-04T14:20:00.003+09:00

This pictures was taken at the LeadTime 28.5 graduation. Basically, 4 of the Bigs in this picture graduated. In January we received new Bigs, there class is LeadTime 29.5. I am part of LeadTime 29.

Prayer Requests

2009-02-04T13:30:00.003+09:00

I know that there are many of you who lift me up in prayer. I don't say it often, but I thank you for your prayers. They make a difference. Thanks.

Pray that I would have eyes to see the spiritual battle that is waging war around.
Pray that I would love the Littles with His love.
Pray for me as I am working on softening. Pray that I would speak words of life. Pray for my tones and how I come across to people.
Pray for my relationships with my fellow Bigs.

Random Thoughts

2009-02-04T13:14:00.004+09:00

I have random thoughts that would be easy to share with people. Really, I guess they are more contemplations/meditations/things mulling around in Amber's brain or just weird things that have no real value to them other than they are my thoughts. I am going to start sharing them a little more often and I am just going to title them....Random Thoughts.

I have been contemplating church lingo a lot lately and the importance of wording things not in church lingo or christianeese but accurately. For example, this year I could say that I am depending on others to provide my income this year as I am raising support. This would sound fine to a lot of people. However, this isn't a true statement. It represents a falsehood. Always, I am dependent on Him to support me. In the past, I have had a job that paid me money and that is how the Lord has provided. This year, the Lord is choosing to provide through others. Regardless, He is the source. He is the provider. He is the one I am dependent on. Not on my self and not on others.

I believe there are many time where we use christianeese that sounds good and that a lot of people understand what is meant, however, the wording doesn't always represent Truth and could be misleading. I wish I could think of another example, but my mind is blank. Often Truth is misrepresented in christianeese as all listeners don't always understand the Truth that is being spoken because the wording is off just enough to produce a false statement.

This makes so much more sense at other times as I have mulled this over in my head. Is anyone tracking with me on this? Do you get what I am saying? I might come back to this and try to more clearly communicate what I am talking about.

Any thoughts? Feel free to leave a comment.

Support Update

2009-02-04T12:55:00.003+09:00

As many of you know, I am currently participating in a one-year discipleship program called LeadTime. I have had several people ask me recently how I am doing—physically, emotionally, and financially. I thought I would take a few moments to update you guys on this.

I would like to start by thanking all of you who have already/are currently supporting me either through your prayers or through your financial giving. I am facing unique challenges as I am living in constant community and working with troubled teens. Your love and support makes a tremendous difference!

Emotionally, physically, and spiritually is a little hard to define how I am doing as it can change from week-to-week. However, overall I am doing really well. I found it interesting that as I was visiting family I had several different people comment on how my job agrees with me. I am not sure what they were seeing other than my love for those here at Doulos. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas was a little rough as emotions in the house were high and the girls were dealing with a lot of stuff. God really brought about some neat growth through it all, but is was draining and challenging. The Lord continues to be my strength, encouragement, and source of life. He is growing and challenging me as much as He is my Littles.

LeadTime is a full-time ministry that is support-based. I have received support in a number of different ways. LeadTime provides my room and board, I need to raise $6000 to pay for health insurance and any personal expenses. So far the Lord has provided $2,615 of support. I also have about $150 of monthly support that people have committed to send monthly. My parents are loaning me their car for the next 8 months and pay for my cell phone bill. My grandmother has pitched in and helped pay for gas when I drive home for holidays. I also have a team of people committed to praying for me. Other people send me quick e-mails with words of encouragement, or send me a note in the mail.

As you can see, I have received financial support in a number of different ways. How am I doing? Honestly, though I have received financial support, I have tapped into my savings a lot. The move from Korea to the States cost me a little more than I realized it would. Also, another factor that I did not take into account is that days off and weekends off cost money—I cannot just hang out at home. Because I live and work on property, to get a break from my job, I have to find places to go. While lots of staff here have opened their homes to me, I eat out a lot. Even if I don’t eat out, by the time I buy all the ingredients to make food…I might as well as eaten out as I don’t have a kitchen and have to buy every ingredient that I need.

The Lord is faithfully providing for my financial needs and trust Him to continue to do the same, just as He is faithfully sustaining me for my emotional and spiritual needs. However, the Lord is using people to support me and meet my needs--it is sort of the way the body of Christ works. If you would like to support me and join in what the Lord is doing here, you can do that through your prayers, with a one-time donation, or a monthly gift. If you are interested in supporting me financially make a check payable to Doulos Ministries, Inc. and send a check to:

Doulos Ministries, Inc.

801 W. Mineral Ave., Ste 202

Littleton, CO 80120

If you would like to support me with your prayers and receive prayer updates please let me know and I will start sending you updates. If you have my e-mail address, just shoot me an e-mail. If you don't, leave a comment on this blog and I will get back to you.

Creative ways you could support me are through sending me notes (or e-mails) of encouragement, sharing Scripture (I have had the Lord work several times through references loved ones have included in notes), or sending me a gift card (Wal-mart, Target, Panera, Cheddars, Chilli's, Chic-fil-a, etc.). I have added a "wish list" to my side bar. I love you guys and if you ever have any questions—just ask! I would love to answer them.

My address is:

282 Doulos Rd.

Branson, MO 65616

Faithfully His,

Amber

1-23-09 Seasons

2009-02-04T12:49:00.002+09:00

Life definitely happens in seasons. I feel like I have entered into a new season in my time here at LeadTime. This is for a number of reasons. The first is because we had room changes the first weekend the Littles were back from break; and second, we have new Big; and third, we are moving into a new building on property.

I have heard several past LeadTimers whose seasons corresponded with rooms. This is definitely true for me thus far. Not just because of the change of roommates, but even I feel like I am in a new season in what the Lord is working in my heart, and just in my comfort level with all that goes on here on property. It so often hard for me to capture with words the things that I am experiencing here.

I loved my last room. It wasn’t until shortly before room changes that I could even imagine living in a room with different girls. I loved all three of the girls in my room so much. We had really good times and really hard times. I have shared a few of those with you. Despite how much I loved my room; it drained me a lot. I didn’t realize how much it took from me until room changes. I am less drained at the end of the day and more energized.

I am now in a new room on the second floor—the loft. This is probably one of the best rooms in the house as far as atmosphere and feel goes. I am no longer on a bottom bunk but actually get to sleep on a regular twin bed! I have two girls in my room. They have a bunk bed. Pictures included below and in my sidebar.

I love my two new girls. Everyone here has their issues (Bigs and Littles included), and while these two girls have their issues, they are a lot different than what I was dealing with in my last room. I wish I could more openly talk about my girls with you—but I am excited about this new room and look forward to getting to know both of my girls better.

Also, we have enough Bigs now that each room has a co-Big. My co-Big is Wendy. I am super pumped to be paired with her. Having a co-Big is also another reason I am more energized. It means I have a person who is also invested into the same two girls that I am, I have someone to talk through things I am seeing, someone to share in the joys and trials that will come along with these two girls, someone to take half the load of the paperwork! We all to an extent share some of the responsibilities listed above as we all interact with everyone, however, we do focus on the girls in our room.

The other reason I believe I have more energy as well is because we now have 10 female Bigs! It is AMAZING the difference it makes have 3 more people around. I feel like increased coverage allows us to serve consequences along side the girls AND also pursue relationships. We pursued relationships before, it is just easier now as we are no longer operating under minimal coverage. We normally had one Big taking a girl to an appointment off property, one Big supervising room grounding, one Big serving with work hour girls, and one Big in the living. Now we can still have one Big doing all of those things, but we also have one to two Bigs available to take girls outside, or to Sonic for happy hour, or take a walk around the loop, or to pursue a girl one-on-one. It is amazing and incredible and I am so thankful. Our three new Bigs are Megan, Deana, and Emily. They are doing an amazing job of jumping and becoming a part of our group.

We have spent the last week or so moving into a new building. The new building has a dining hall (big enough to host 150-200 people), the main office, the head of counseling office, house director and intern office, LeadTime classroom and library, and LeadTime offices. Our old dining all was in the basement of the girls house. LeadTimer’s didn’t have a classroom and we had class either in the dining hall or the girls house living room. One of the counselors office was in the boys house, one of the LeadTime directors office was in the girls house. The main office was a really tiny building where everyone was nearly on top of each other. The house directors office was in there home (talk about never escaping work), and the interns didn’t have an office. Anyhow, as you might be able to see, this new building is a huge blessing but with it has come a lot of shuffling all over property.

Spiritually, I am not sure what God is doing exactly. However, I do know this. When I first arrived I was desperately dependant on Him. To get through my day, I often had to draw strength from His Word, from prayer, or from worship, not only in the morning, but several times through out the day. It was a good season. I loved the fact that my environment was such that I felt that desperate dependency upon Him. Though my days are less draining, and I am more comfortable with life here, I am no less dependent upon Him. I still need Him equally as much. The challenge of this season will be to not loose sight of that. In easy times and in hard times, I need Him to make it through each day. I have a tendency to start depending on myself and not acknowledging Him who is my sanity and the reason I have even survived life on earth thus far.

In my relationship with LeadTimer’s (AKA my fellow Bigs) I feel like I am entering a new season with them as most of us have been working for almost six months now. I have really been working on figuring out what good community looks for us. I don’t know—I am feeling more settled inside about our community and genuinely am just enjoying my classmates, learning from them, being challenged by them, learning to love them.

I titled this rambling Seasons because I just feel like the Lord has me in a new season in my LeadTime year. It is hard to describe all of the changes, but just as I have changed rooms, and we have added Bigs to our group, and adjusted to being in a new building, I also feel a change in other areas. The longer I am here, the more comfortable I grow with this place and my role here. Days are feeling more normal. Even the days when things are emotional, or girls are dealing with issues, they don’t drain me near as much—we just deal with it and move one. It’s just everyday life here.

That is a little about my current season. I had 10 million more things in my head but I will stop here. May you grasp your desperate dependency on Him and the joy that comes with it.

Strengths

2009-01-24T06:24:00.004+09:00

One of the great things about this year is that it is a time to focus on myself. I am in an environment that encourages growth and I get to do cool things like take personality tests to learn a little more about myself and how my strengths/weaknesses function and work with others strengths and weaknesses. We did a personality test awhile ago now. I am not sure its official name but the book (which you can buy at Wal-mart) is called Strength Finder. In addition to it giving you a link to take a personality test, it also talks about strengths.

The book discusses how much better people thrive in life and in their jobs when their strengths are being focused on. People do well and grow when they are able to do a job that suites what you are naturally gifted toward--even your weaknesses become stronger when you are focusing on your strengths. How true this I have found this to be in my own life.

I have been thinking about strengths a lot since returning from Christmas break. I am living in a house full of messy people. The youth here are troubled. The Bigs all have their issues as well, myself included. As I look at my co-workers, I truly love each and every one of them and can list off several strengths they have and all they add to the house. At the same time, I can look at them and see their flaws and the areas where they could grow. However, even with their flaws, I think...They are so beautiful! So and So is so incredible. WOW. I believe this is the first time in my life where I have been able to be really honest about another person's weaknesses/flaws/whatever you want to call it and be overwhelmed by the beauty in that person and appreciate them, flaws and all.

This is probably the first time in my life as well that I can actually see how God can look at me, with my weaknesses, and see a beautiful person that He just loves. I am starting to understand this concept at a heart level. I have known it in my head for awhile--but I am grasping this a much deeper level. The Lord has been working on this for years--I am a little dense at time...but I feel like I am starting to grasp it. It's exciting stuff.

I have thinking a lot about the Littles and their strengths. In general, I don't believe that I have that gift to really see people for their full potential. I do to a certain degree. If I didn't, then teaching would be extremely discouraging. However, it is something I really work at and consistently seek the Lord about for revelation on. Here it can be easy to just look at the Littles and see their weaknesses. The Lord has been challenging me to consider if I am encouraging them in their strengths. Yes, I do a lot of things to help them grow in areas of weakness, but I am equally if not more so encouraging them in their strengths? Do I even see their strengths? I don't like the answer I get to these questions. I have really been seeking the Lord and asking Him to help me to see those strengths He has placed in each Little and to encourage them in those things more.

In case you are curious, I just found the e-mail I received after taking the personality test telling me my top 5 strengths. Each strength includes a short description below it. There are 32 different possible strengths. The book describes all 32 strengths. This test pretty much nailed me. Below are my top five strengths according to the StrengthsFinder 2.0 test.

Achiever

Your Achiever theme helps explain your drive. Achiever describes a constant need for achievement. You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by "every day" you mean every single day--workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more. After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment. Your relentless need for achievement might not be logical. It might not even be focused. But it will always be with you. As an Achiever you must learn to live with this whisper of discontent. It does have its benefits. It brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out. It is the jolt you can always count on to get you started on new tasks, new challenges. It is the power supply that causes you to set the pace and define the levels of productivity for your work group. It is the theme that keeps you moving.

Responsibility

Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help—and they soon will—you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.

Consistency

Balance is important to you. You are keenly aware of the need to treat people the same, no matter what their station in life, so you do not want to see the scales tipped too far in any one person’s favor. In your view this leads to selfishness and individualism. It leads to a world where some people gain an unfair advantage because of their connections or their background or their greasing of the wheels. This is truly offensive to you. You see yourself as a guardian against it. In direct contrast to this world of special favors, you believe that people function best in a consistent environment where the rules are clear and are applied to everyone equally. This is an environment where people know what is expected. It is predictable and evenhanded. It is fair. Here each person has an even chance to show his or her worth.

Learner

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Arranger

You are a conductor. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. In your mind there is nothing special about what you are doing. You are simply trying to figure out the best way to get things done. But others, lacking this theme, will be in awe of your ability. “How can you keep so many things in your head at once?” they will ask. “How can you stay so flexible, so willing to shelve well-laid plans in favor of some brand-new configuration that has just occurred to you?” But you cannot imagine behaving in any other way. You are a shining example of effective flexibility, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, you are always looking for the perfect configuration. Of course, you are at your best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You don’t do either. Instead, you jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships—because, after all, there might just be a better way.

We all have our strengths. These are some of mine. My strengths can com alongside another person's weaknesses and visa verse. That is why there is a body of Christ--we need each other. Together, when we are working alongside each other in love, the body functions well. It doesn't work so well when we try to do it all ourselves, fail to see our need for others, or fail to see others need for us. Are you walking in your strength? Are sharing your talents with others? I you allowing others to meet your weaknesses with their strengths? All good contemplations.

Awesome Day

2009-01-07T14:59:00.004+09:00

WARNING: This is extra-long, but I felt it necessary to even try to capture all the cool ways God has blessed me today. If you don’t have time for the long version—just read the highlighted stuff and you’ll get the gist!

Today was a blessing from the Lord. Normally once the kids go off to school, we have class until noon. Today, once the kids were dropped off at school (8:30 am) we had off until 2:30! A huge blessing.

I have been sick basically since Christmas Eve. I was only a little sick for my visit to San Antonia, but by the time I returned to Branson on the 30^th I was really feeling bad. I finally went to the doctor on January 2^nd, but she just told me I had major drainage and to keep taking over the counter meds (Mucinex, Claratin, and Head Cold Congestion). I was glad a I went because I would have never taken all three at once. I would have thought the drug overload. Anyhow, she also gave me a prescription for an antibiotic just in case I wasn’t feeling better after a couple of days. Two days after visiting the doctor, I felt terrible. Every morning when I woke up my left eye would have eye junk all in it. On Monday it was really bad and it was hard to open my eyes, I was coughing like crazy and it hurt my head and my throat and my right ear. Anyhow, as soon as I had free time (1:30 pm) I went and filled my anti-biotic. All of this is just to give a clear picture of how even the timing of this day off was such a blessing. Today, is the first day since Christmas Eve, that I have had energy and felt good! So I used my time off to get done a lot of the task I didn’t get done over break because all of my off time was spent sleeping.

Then Chelsie, fellow big, texted me and asked if I wanted to go to Panera for an hour or so after lunch. Yes! I love one-on-one time with people and it blesses me even more when it is initiated by the other person. So it was just fun to be able to talk with her and catch up with her and all that good stuff.

On of our Littles, I will call her “Joy”, had a doctors appointment in Rodgers, AR (2 hours away). I volunteered to take and we had to leave at 2:30 pm. Basically, at 2:30 Joy and I get in the Uplander and head out. Four gas stations and 2 ½ hours later we arrive at the doctor’s—not bad considering we sort of stopped following the Mapquest (not by choice but because that is what sometimes happens when directionally challenged Amber drives).

After the doctor, Joy and I stop at Subway for dinner. A treat! We ate inside before starting our trek back to Branson—this time hoping to follow the Mapquest directions and cut a half hour off our travel time. Oh yeah, the drive to the doctor put it so that we only had ¼ tank of gas. Soo I am pulling into every Connoco/Philips gas station we are passing to see if they take a Fuelman card. By the way, the drive down to Rogers is a beautiful drive (even in winter) on curvy roads in the hills/mountains.

Anyhow, not too far into the trip we get behind a truck whose average speed was 25 mph—obviously a driver who is not used to hilly, curvy roads! What can you do? You cannot pass, so I just casually follow him. After a while, Joy and I start joking and coming up with reasons why they might be driving slow. Then we pass a sign that is advertising a McDonald’s in 6 miles. At this point I pray out loud that God would cause this driver to be hungry, or need to use the restroom, or need gas in his car. Anything, to get him to pull over so we can pass him and hopefully make it home in 2 ½ hours and not 5! Also, about 10 to 15 miles at this slow speed just feels like forever. There is an Exxon right before the Mc Donald’s and I quickly pull into it to see if they take Fuelman. They don’t so I drive right on through and get back on the road. Joy and I are surprised that we did not quickly catch up with the truck as it was a 30 second delay max. We soon realize we are on 187, not 62! However, we did get to see Beaver Dam in the pitch black so I guess it wasn’t a completely wasted effort. Thankfully the road eventually looped back to 62, only it looped back to a part we had already traveled on (about 10 miles back!) What can we do. Oh well, we figured at least we weren’t going 25 behind the truck. We figured in the end we didn’t loose any time and how could we not be near Beaver Dam and not visit (did you hear the sarcasm?).

Anyhow, after our 187 detour we get back on track and I accept that Arkansas doesn’t have Fuelman and just put $10 of my own money in the tank. Once we get back on the road, Joy and I laugh it off and start trying to figure out what the Lord has to teach us in all of this. Since I had prayed the Lord would take the truck on a detour and instead we were the once sent on the detour, we decided the moral of the story is: God always answers our prayers (we were no longer behind the slow truck), just now always how we think He should!

Long story shorter—we never did find the Mapquest route back, but returned home via the same route we came: 65 South to 412 West to 62. Therefore, returning home we needed 62 to 412 East to 65 North. We found 412 East, no problem. Shortly after getting on this road we start seeing signs that say 412E/65S. What!?! This is a contradiction. Aigoo! Not sure what to do, I stay on it because going to Arkansas we were on 412 for an hour or so. After continuing to see these contradicting signs for a time and passing through Harrison and recognizing things we pass when we got to the K-Life Barn swing (even though we didn’t pass through Harrison on our way to Arkansas)—we stop at yet another gas station for direction clarification. We were off track. We turned around and followed the signs for 65N. So we get on track once again, find a gas station that accepts Fuelman and fill up, and return to property right at 9:30—11 gas stations, 2 detours, lots of laughing, good conversation, and a 7 hours later.

Despite everything—the seven hour car trip with Joy was a fun trip with a lot of random things that happened, Joy and I had some great conversations, and we laughed a lot.

We get home as things are winding down for the night. I say hello to my girls who are settling in for the night and get my stuff ready for night coverage. Then Erin Conner, LeadTime Intern/fellow Big, lets me know that she is going to do my night coverage for me since I had it last night! Yet another blessing. Oh yeah, I also started this morning off with time with the Lord. Something else I hadn’t done in awhile. I typed long enough I am sure I could think of more little things the Lord orchestrated to just love on me—but I’ll stop.

I often share some of the harder moments here, so I just thought I would share with you this good day. I have several more posts in my head I am hoping to write tomorrow on my day off. I love you all. Not all days are filled with such obvious blessings from the Lord as mine was today, but it is my prayer that as you reflect upon your day that you will see the little and big things that God has done to love on you!

Weary

2008-12-16T11:11:00.000+09:00

seshThis is just a quick blurb to say to that I am weary. I found myself snapping at my girls yesterday. I am not being as patient with them as I should. Yes, if I really wanted I could justify my attitude, however, this past week was just tiring. After being getting on them a lot yesterday, they were really sweet and considerate to me this afternoon. I was blessed and was a way they ministered to me through the example of their attitude.

Today was good. Pray that I would find my strength in the Lord. This week is going to be crazy--good crazy, but crazy non-the-less. I am looking forward to Christmas Break, not just to be with family, but for a break from life here.

Pray for us all. One of my littles graduates on Thursday. One of my Littles is in Asia with her dad on a mission trip and returns Thursday afternoon. The other Little is starting to get fed up with this place and wanting to be out and that is playing out in a number of different ways. Hopefully this is all just part of her storming stage and it will pass. I have been here long enough to see several of our other girls pass through their storming stages.

And that's me.

Love

2008-12-12T14:13:00.000+09:00

Every few months I get to be evaluated by my leadership. I was asked to prepare a few things entering into the evaluation. One of the things I got to share is what the Lord has taught me since starting my LeadTime journey.

I have really been struggling to identify what the Lord has been teaching me, so I prepared the other questions and saved this question for last. After staring blankly at the paper for a time, I finally went to my journal and read all my entries since arriving in Branson in August. I was surprised, yet not, by what I found.

The Lord had been teaching me about love.

This topic is so broad and in a blog it would be impossible to even attempt to sum it all up. However, the more I study the Word, and as I grow in relationship with God, the more I see that life is all about love. God sent Jesus to us out of His great love for us. Jesus expressed His love for the Father through His obedience to come to earth and to model love for us and was love. Jesus left the earth so He might send us the Counselor. Jesus left us with the Spirit of Truth. He guides unbeliever to Truth, then once we come to know the Truth, He then dwells our very being. We have the Spirit of Truth to lead us, guide us, and give us courage. He is the love indwelt in believers.

Matthew 22:36-40 says, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

While the two greatest commandments part is good too, I like what comes next—All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. All the Law and the Prophets is basically all that was before Jesus. Love was the motivation behind all of the rules and the words the Lord spoke to His people through the prophets. If you see the law, or hear the words of the prophets, but you miss the love behind then you miss it entirely. The same is true today. If you accept God’s gift of grace through Jesus and accept the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, but you don’t love—you don’t get it. You have missed the point. If you follow a bunch of rules in an effort to please God but you leave out love—you’ve missed the heart of God.

During the entire three years I was in Korea the Lord had me in the book of 1 John. I would try to study other portions of Scripture, but He would always bring me back to 1 John. During my time in Korea, there were many a nights were I would literally lay in my bed wide awake and fear the coming of the Lord. I didn’t want Him to come because I was not living out my faith well. I was doing a lot of things, but much of the time it was in my own strength. I was striving and struggling and doing all these things to love God—or I felt like I should be doing more to love Him. Then one day, one of our students was leading chapel and he referenced a verse from 1 John. And in that moment the whispered in my ear, Love Me. I just want you to love me. During my time in Korea, my greatest fear was that I would get to heaven and the Lord would say to me, Get away from for I do not know you. This wasn’t a fear that I should earn his love through works, but more a fear that I would not know Him well enough. I John also talks about how perfect love casts out fear. didn’t need to work so hard at it. Yes, I was going to mess up. Yes, He desires for me to do things in His strength and not my own, etc. But really it all boils down to just loving Him. I don’t have to work so hard at it, but rest in it.

Anyhow, so I left Korea with this weight being lifted off of me and treasuring His precious words to me. Love Me. I just want you to love me. I have had these words in my mind a lot since returning to the States. So, when I think about it, it doesn’t surprise me that the Lord has been teaching me about love--resting in His love, loving Him, loving others.

I leave you with the following expert form 2 Peter. God also had me in the Peters a lot in Korea and I think this connects how I rest in His love, yet still walk out my faith and keep it all balanced and correct in my heart and my head. God spent my time in Korea, helping me to understand and engraving this truth upon my heart.

Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; seeing His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, in order that by them you might become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge; and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness; and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love.

Ramblings 12-08-08

2008-12-09T12:35:00.002+09:00

So much has been going on. Where to start? A week before Thanksgiving I found a way to make it to San Antonio to spend the holiday with my family. This truly was a blessing from the Lord how it all worked out. This was actually one of my faster trips home, yet God provided so many opportunities for good conversations with a lot of my family members.

Shannon and I on Thanksgiving Day!

My Grandparents and their three daughters made the trek to Branson to celebrate my Grandad's 80th Birthday. I actually hitched a rid up to Branson with them. Below are a few pictures we took. It was fun to have my family in my city and to enjoy hanging out with them some. Below are a few pictures we took.

Celebrating my Aunt's Birthday at Famous Dave's

My Grandad and I

My Mommie and Me

My Nonnie and I

Things have been interesting around the House since coming back from break. Break was rough for some of the girls. Added to that is that Christmas Break is but a few weeks away. We have also gotten two new girls in the House. We did a House search....I could sit here and name many other things that have gone down but don't really know that you need those details. Just know that things are surfacing in the lives of several of the girls. These times are just opportunities to walk with them through the process. Pray that growth would come from all that is going on. Pray for wisdom on our parts on how to best love on these girls and to know how to emphasize with them.

And for once I don't have any more to say! This is rare. Enjoy.

Ramblings 11-17-2008

2008-11-18T13:59:00.001+09:00

Here at the House you can go from having a really hard few days with the Littles in your room (meaning relationships are disgruntled) to having a few days of these conversations and events that keep you encouraged and make you think and this is why I am here. It honestly takes both the good times and the hard to get to that This is why I am here! moment. If there were not hard days, we would wonder why these girls are even here separated from their families and living in this intense environment.

Anyhow, shortly before the Gulf Coast Trip I had just gone through a rough spell with the girls in my room. I cannot even remember what was going on. But then right before I left it turned. I had a really good room night with my girls on Friday. I had several good conversations one-on-one with the girls in my room. I could just see them growing. Despite this, I was just ready to leave. To be gone for a week. To let another Big deal with my girls for a week.

Also leading up to the trip, I had been feeling disconnected with my fellow Bigs. I had been struggling with the fact that the community here isn't stronger than the community that I had experienced in Korea--that was an expectation I had. Every person I have talked to who has returned to the States, at some point misses the community that they found in Korea and just finds it harder to find in the States--you have to fight for it more and even when you do...it just isn't always there. While I expected to face this same struggle upon returning to the States, I expected it to happen after my LeadTime year. I expected the LeadTime community to be different, but stronger than what I experienced in Korea. Yet, I not finding that to be true. Anyhow, shortly before I left on the Gulf Coast Trip is when I first identified that struggle for what it was.

Ready for a break from my Littles and feeling disconnected from the Bigs--this is how I went into the Gulf Coast Trip. I was really to the point where I was thinking everyone will probably be glad for me to be gone for the week. My mind on a few occasions even feared I would not be missed and that people would notice how much more peaceful the house was because I was not there or just not really even notice my being gone. I quickly put a stop to these thoughts when they entered my head, identifying them for the lies that they were--but that is where I was when I left. Ready for the break, really longing for community, and combating lies.

Despite these feelings, please know I was also excited for the trip because I love service projects! I earned my scholarship in college because of my community service. This has always been a great love of mine, and for whatever reason I love manual labor. To this day, one of my favorite jobs was loading semi's for UPS. Some days I wish I could just go and load a semi for a week. I know that is not possible, but if I could...I would love to just do that one week for the fun of it. So yes, I was excited for our mission and what we were doing, but I was also just ready to be off property for the week.

Anyhow, we had a 13 hour trip to get to Mississippi/Louisianna. There were 5 girls going on this trip, and while we did have some good conversations, we were also quite content with a quiet car. I got lots of time to think. Normally, I will either read or sleep these long trips away. Though I did sleep a bit of the way up there, I only read a chapter or two in my book. I really just sat there and thought for a time and really contemplated and put before the Lord our community as Bigs.

The week was great. I loved cutting down trees and helping people get their yards back and just in general be a blessing to people and meeting needs. At one point for a short time, someone would throw me a log, and I would then throw it a short distance to the ground. It felt so good to throw logs! Of topic. Anyhow, I think the trip for me was about refreshment and just time to think, to connect with people, and to be encouraged. In all the thinking I did about our community here as Bigs...I really didn't come up with anything brilliant. The only thing I realized was that we have the potential for such great community, but I think we all are just tired. It is something I am going to have to fight for (more so that in Korea), but if I fight for it, the end result will be so rich. Have I figured out how to fight for it? No. But I do have a plan to at least share my heart and where I am at with my fellow Bigs. I love all my fellow Bigs. Everyone has their own part and I love the different things each person brings to the House. We really are not complete when one person is gone--we balance each other out well. So the trip just energized me to fight for relationships here. To fight for close relationships with Bigs and not allow myself to be closer to the Littles than my Sisters.

We arrived back on property Friday night around 8 pm. By the time we returned to property, I was ready to come home. While I loved the break, I missed the House. Anyhow, we came home and I ran into the house real quick to use the restroom before helping unload. When I came through the door, I got the best greeting. All three of my Littles jumped/screamed in excitement that I had returned and all got up and bombarded me with hugs and words of encouragement. Others as well, Bigs and Littles just expressed their happiness at my return. It was so awesome--especially for the girl who deep down inside, if she is being completely open and vulnerable--still was wondering if she would be missed. I was ready to be okay with this. Obviously, I have some things to work on!

Anyhow, the Lord just blessed my socks off. Not only did I have this great greeting, but Charity, one of the Little in my room who has been room grounded for awhile now let me know that she was down to 14 work hours. This means she is now only House grounded and she can get on the computer. When I left she had nearly 40 work hours and her getting down to 14 is huge.

After my awesome greeting on Friday night, I quickly packed my stuff and left property to enjoy the weekend off. The weekend off was great. House Night was at the timeshare that Emily (House Director) and I were sharing for the weekend. It was good just to reconnect with everyone and hang out after having been gone a week. I really didn't see the Bigs much on Friday, but got to see the Bigs on Saturday. When everyone first arrived, Charity pulled me aside and asked me if I would speak at her graduation. I was honored. This is honestly the one Little in my room who not that long ago I would have thought that she would leave our program in December and I wouldn't have a relationship with her despite the fact that she was my Little and we had shared a room for several months. However, in the last few weeks the Lord has really been working there and I have been amazed at where the Lord has brought. To say the least I was surprised, yet honored that she would ask me.

Between these interactions with Littles and the hugs and words of love from my fellow Bigs upon my return, He gave me what I needed to return to this place and feel ready to face the challenges of living here with renewed joy. To return with confidence that, in Him, that I have everything I need to do my job here and He has placed me here with purpose. I have an important role for me.

Sunday evening I return from my week off in jubilant spirits and ready for life at the House. I was honestly expecting a day of two of peace before I really had to deal with anything too major attitude/behaviorwise with my girls. Literally, I am not two steps in the door when Charity comes down the stairs and asks me to read this letter before going any further. I read it and it I am informed of a situation that occurred while I was gone involving my entire room. Relationships are strained. The incident happened several days before I returned from the trip but involved my shampoo. Anyhow, I won't get to the details here, but my first thought was, Welcome back to life at Shelterwood! Despite it not being my favorite thing to have to come home to, it was okay. This is what the Lord has called me too. He knows what He is doing. It yet one more thing He is going to use to produce character in us all.

If you think about it. The shampoo situation isn't resolved. Pray that as we deal with this, that true resolution of the deeper issues will happen. I don't just want to deal with the shampoo issue, but for my girls to have relationships restored at a heart level. There is distrust in my room between the three girls and for good reason. It is hard to know the truth of what really happened--not just in this situation but in past situations as well. While they/we resolve them, I am starting to wonder if they are simply patching things up but inside there are wounds and hurts they are hold close and using against each other.

Anyhow, that is the latest on me! Also, pray for the community with the Bigs. I know it is all something we desire, but really is hard to know how to go about pursuing and knowing how to fight for it. I have some free time tomorrow where I am hoping to write each one of them and share my heart a bit and where I am at.

Thanks for your love and support. Until next time...

Random Thoughts

2008-11-07T14:41:00.000+09:00

For awhile now I have had a hard time identifying what the Lord is teaching me through this season. I have spent several ramblings sharing with you about my girls and various events of the day. I have not spent a lot of time sharing with you those things the Lord is doing in my heart. I am going to attempt to do a little of that now.

Throughout my life I have struggled a lot with self-esteem issues. I have spent more of my life not liking who God made me to be rather than liking it. I often wonder why God was doing when He made me and so often wonder if I am even loveable. It's not something I am proud of, and it's something that I know is a lie from the devil, but he loves to feed me the lie that I am unloveable and there isn't much that is good about my personality. And I listen a lot.

I have this tendency to go through this cycle of finding my identity in Christ and being confident in that to wondering why I couldn't have been different and really just being down with myself. Toward the end of my time in Korea and in coming to Doulos, I was in a good place. I was seeing the lies for what they were and walking in confidence in the Lord. For this I will forever be grateful as the first month here would have been pretty terrible if I was doubting who I was.

I have this tendency to come across to people as really harsh, or mean spirited, or that all I care about is rules and don't really care about relationship. This is definitely not the truth and the one thing I long for more than anything else is to be truly known by people and accepting for who I am. This isn't true in all situations, but definitely true in work-type situations or like this year.Anyhow, when I came here, I had a bit of this again. People did not always see my heart. They don't realize why I am the way I am or even my reasoning behind the way I do things. I was okay with this. I have been in this situation before. I know that in time people will be able to see my heart and we will have a good relationship.

Despite that people are starting to see my heart and I feel like I am growing in relationships here, it is still frustrating at times. I am still content with who God made me to be. I guess the question I have been asking myself and the Lord more recently though is this, Is it possible for me to still remain who I am at the core AND appear more relational to people upon first meeting? Though I don't feel like I hold myself back, are there ways that I can risk my heart more and not be so intimidating to people?

I don't want to be known as someone who cares about rules more than relationship. I don't want to be known as someone who doesn't listen. Who doesn't care. None of these things are true, but I can see how I could come across as this way. I need people. I have had several people comment on how I seem to be my own individual and very seem very content in it. While this is true, I still desire deep relationships with other people.

I believe these are not selfish desires. It is my prayer that this year I would really learn to soften my first impression. That others would be able to see my heart from the beginning, that it wouldn't take time for people to see where I am coming from and the things that motivate me. I desire to exhibit the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. I desire to have others know that I value them and care about them. I desire to learn how to skip the initial first stage that I tend to go through with people.

I am still processing it all. I still need to take all this before the Lord and really just listen to Him to see if I am even on track on this. However, as much as I could be tempted to be discouraged by the fact that people don't get me as well, or that I come across as less loving and desirous of relationship...I have come a long way from the girl who use to be afraid to even speak in a group. Who used to be so intimidated by meeting new people, and who would literally get dizzy from my efforts to have conversations with people. I have come a long way from the girl who walked away from high school without a friend and lonely. I definitely don't have it all figured out and have some growing to do...but I guess that is why I love God's promise that I will forever be His work in progress. And one day when I see Him face to face, His work in me with complete and perfect and good. What beautiful and amazing work He does.

Anyhow, that is a very small bit about what the Lord is speaking to me. I have a lot more in my head but that will do for tonight! I am going to set the alarm and head for bed. It's midnight. However, the beautiful thing is that once the kids are off to school...we have been given the day off (at least the time while they are at school)! Though my free time is basically, 1-3 hours a day, 10 hours a week, and 3 weekends each four months and many are like, Man you have no free time--I have so much more than you mothers out there. KUDOS to you. Your job matters. Your kids are important and even if they don't thank you know, train them up in the Lord and the way they should and one day they will bless you.

Sorry for any confusion

2008-11-07T05:41:00.001+09:00

I am attempting to get all my old posts from my other blog onto this blog. I was having trouble the first night when I was switching everything over. I was just able to easily copy and paste my older posts into this blog.

Apologies for the random order, but from here on out it should stay in order and archive properly. I wish I could change the publish day or oder of the posting, but I haven't figured that out yet!

Gulf Coast Trip 2008

2008-11-07T05:40:00.001+09:00

With all that has been going on I believe I have forgotten to share with you an opportunity I have. Each November we have a serve week. This means that for 3 days the Littles are not in school and all staff and students are split into teams and they go and volunteer in the community. In addition to this, each year one team is formed that goes out to do a work project in another city.

This year we are doing a Gulf Coast trip to do hurricane clean-up in New Orleans. A team went down last year as well and we are going again this year. I am privileged to have been invited to be a part of this team. I really wanted to go, but since only one girl Big gets to go, I had already laid it down before the Lord and was okay not going even though I really wanted to go. When Amy asked me if I would be interested in going, I was ecstatic!

I really don't have a lot of details, but will share what I know. Please feel free to be lifting us up in your prayer if the Lord brings our team to mind.

Where? Mississippi/Louisianna

When? Sunday, November 9 through Friday, November 14

Who is going? We have split our group into two teams.

Team #1

Greg (Leadtime Director)

Renee (English Teacher)

Danyel (Male Big Brother)

Boy Little #1

Boy Little #2

Myself

Team #2

Stephen (Finance Guy)

Mark (Counselor)

Amber (Female Big)

Boy Little #3

Girl Little #1

Joey (Executive Director--whatever that means)

Jeanie (Joey's Wife and works in the office)

Emily (Girl's House Director)

Chris B. (Mentor)

Basic rundown of the week is as follows:

Sunday

7 am Leave Branson

7 pm Arrive in Kiln, Mississippi

Night: Chill

Sleep: all in Kiln

Monday

Work from 8-5

Group 1 in Kiln

Group 2 in New Orleans

Night: Chill

Sleep: Group 1 in Kiln and Group 2 in New Orleans

Tuesday

Work from 8-5

Group 1 in Kiln

Group 2 in New Orleans

Night: Chill

Sleep: Everyone in Kiln

Wednesday

Work from 8-5 in Baton Rouge

Night: Chill

Sleep: Everyone in Baton Rouge

Thursday

Work from 8-5 in Baton Rouge

Night: to New Orleans

Sleep: Everyone in Baton Rouge

Friday

7 am Leave Baton Rouge

7 pm Arrive in Branson

Prayer Requests

Unity for our group
That we would have fun
Travel safety
Safety as we clean up
That we would be a blessing to those we are serving
For the fruit of the Spirit to be exhibited
For those back home as we away and their serve projects

I really don't know what else to share! If you have any questions, please leave it in the comments and I can answer it!

Disappointment

2008-11-07T05:35:00.001+09:00

I was suppose to have the weekend off this weekend and was really looking forward to it. I have been preparing for it all week. I was really looking forward to some extended time with the Lord and really getting refreshment there. I had some practical, logistical things that I was going to do. I had plans that I was anticipating. Nothing that HAD to be done this weekend, but things I was looking forward to doing.

I just found out that due to scheduling errors, I will be unable to take this weekend off. It is so disappointing. I was really feeling like I needed the time off. Obviously, I don't. Though I really was looking forward to being able to just sit down with the Lord and think about, and listen to Him about some questions He has had on my heart...He knew this would happen. He has purpose in this. I know He will give me the spiritual encouragement/strength I need for each day without getting away with Him. Anyhow, I am just really disappointed and part of me is mad that I care so much that it had to be moved. I am crying as I am sitting here typing this just because I feel real let down.. Its okay to look forward to something and then to be sad when it doesn't happen. It's okay to feel this way though. I can feel this way as long as I don't wallow in it or spoil the opportunity to be blessed by this weekend and to be a blessing to others.

Anyhow, pray that this would just be a really good weekend. I am about to head out and spend some time with the Lord. Pray that the time would be refreshing. Pray that I will be a blessing to those around me this weekend.

Just a little about me and where I am at in this moment.

Ramblings 10-13-2008

2008-11-07T05:20:00.001+09:00

I have so much floating through my head but will do my best to make sense and connect what I am about to share.

For the first time in my life, I am appreciating the lesson life has already taught me. I am 26 years old and been graduated for three years. On top of all of that, I have lived in a foreign country during that time. There are so many things that I learned in my three years in Korea that make living here easier. Some of my fellow Bigs are just graduated from college or only went to college for a year. I don't mean this with an "I am so much better than everyone else" attitude, but this is the first time in my life where I can see how age and life experience has its advantages. I think the Lord just knew that I would need some of the perspective that I do have in order to survive here, because despite how my "age" and "life experiences" have really helped me process and be okay with a lot of the things here....there are SOOO many other things that are a challenge. I can not even fathom what a mess I would be had God brought me here straight out of college.

Living in a houseful of 15 troubled teens and "parenting" them with 8 other people is quite a task. This job is challenging on so many levels. There are so many things about this job that are out of my comfort zone. Let me just take a moment to name a few.

Forming relationships with Teens
Planning activities with Teens--each night for 30 minutes we have "room time" with our Littles and then each Friday we have a room night where I have to plan something fun for us to do and most of the time it has to be free! Aigoo.
Seeing weekly change/improvement in people. Each week I have a two page form I fill out on each of my Littles. These are questions that require me to see improvements they have made, things I am noticing, ways to encourage, etc. I have never really felt that I was good at "reading" people.
Comforting/Empathizing with hurting people. Yeah. Normally when I try to encourage people who are hurting I don't know what to say and when I do attempt to be encouraging they end up offended. Yeah. I am not the person most people want to share there struggles with. Lots of opportunity for this.
Not being content in my style of forming relationships. As a teacher, I was never the cool teacher or the teacher students wanted to hang out with. I longed to be able to poor into my students lives at a more personal and eternal level, but struggled to. I believe my students knew that I loved them, but so often in Korea I would compare myself to other teachers and wish I could be a little more like some of the other teachers and a little less myself.

All right so that is only five things, but all five of those things happen on a regular basis around here. These situations normally cause me all sorts of anxiety and I sort of avoid them at all cost. Here, I have no choice but to deal with the these things daily. And the greatest thing about it all is that the Lord is meeting me in these places. It's not to say that I have it all figured out, but in the moment the Lord is giving me peace and I am really just learning to immediately turn to the Holy Spirit for His guidance.

And it the five situations above, I have been okay. I have only had moments of anxiety when I think about them. He blows me away in His provision. I really look forward to room time each evening and the opportunity to connect with the girls in my room. The Lord has blessed me with ideas not only for room time, but all for room night. He just keeps giving me more. And every week when I go to fill out the forms on each of my Littles, I don't panic. There are times when a few questions are really hard to answer, but it is a great practice to reflect on what is going on and I believe through this the Lord is really going to teach me how to be more "in tune" with what is going on in people's lives and train me in questions I can ask to help me access how a friend is doing. As far as the emphatizing/encouraging hurting people--I am sure I am not great at that and I still sometimes offend in my attempts to encourage, but I see the Lord helping with this. Before I ever came to LeadTime and as I was praying about what this year was going to be about the Lord constantly brought to mind the verse about being slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to hear. This is definitely an area I need to improve on, but I am given so many opportunities daily to grow here and am getting better.

As for the relationships with Littles. This one is so hard to gauge. An attribute that is important to me is Consistency. While for me it is one way I love people, it is not always seen that way. The heart behind my consistency is sometimes hard for others to see. There have been so many times where I have questioned the Lord if I am being too consistent, am I allowing room for grace. Then when I am really doubting myself and really think I am just messing things up, He gives some form of verbal affirmation, whether it be from other Big, a House Director, or a counselor. Then sure enough in a matter of time, I wonder again. I know I haven't introduced my three Littles to you yet, but lets just say that we have had lots of conflict already. I will share more later. It's nothing personal against me, but they are dealing with some things and it's not always pleasant. The last few weeks have been really hard as one person in my room is almost always angry/disrespectful or what I like to call "exploding". There was a time there where it was all three of them. And it's just draining. As much as I know its not against me, some of the things they say can be cruel, and just the constentness of it at times is draining. Intermixed in these times are some really incredible conversations and times where they open up to me and share things that are very personal. You just never know what you are going to get. This is just wearing. So all of this is to say that it is so hard to say how I'm doing. However, despite it all, I can see the Lord working and have been blown away by my love for these girls and their love for me. Through it all, the joys and the struggles, we are growing in our relationships with each other and its good.

I just want to share a little of God's goodness in this all and then I will leave you as my alarm will be going off in five short hours. As I mentioned above, the past two weeks in my room have been pretty bad. I think it was a week where all three of my girls were struggling with me and really thinking I was just unreasonable. While things have gotten better, there is still one girl in my room who is challenging and often rude and disrespectful and angry a lot. It's been hard. There was a particularly hard night last week with one of the girls in my room and then after it a Big called me out on some stuff and said some hard things to me. I really had to take it to the Lord and have really been putting before the Lord all my decisions in my consequencing/not consequencing and even my tones and words. I desire to know how to help the Little in my room who is just making some poor choices, but really not knowing how to do that. I have really been struggling to know if anything I have been doing is good. Is it all pointless. Am I wasting my time? What is it Lord that will motivate her?

Tonight God used all three of the girls to encourage me. Before dinner two of my Littles shared with me their struggles with the attitudes in our room and basically shared with me that the stood up for me in front of another Little who was bashing me in front of some people. This meant a lot to me, especially since I am know they have been talking about me to each other, and not always in an honoring way. Anyhow, it was just a time where I was able to encourage them, and they SUPER ENCOURAGED me.

Later that night, the Little in my room who has been "storming" the longest broke two rules while outside. I caught her as we were walking back inside and called her out on them. I told her I wasn't sure what I was going to do to consequence her but I would get back with her. Emily, a house director, was in the living room when we came it. It was time for study hall, so my girls were in their room doing study hall while I chatting in the hall with Emily about the situation. As we were having the conversation, I thought in my head, It probably isn't good that my girls can hear this because they will someone use it against me. Anyhow, after I was done talking with Emily, I asked my Little if she would come into the hall to talk with me. She agreed. This is huge. She usually refuses to speak to me. She very respectfully listened to me and then told me she appreciated how I handled the situation. She then proceeded to tell me that she would start treating me with more respect because she knows that she should be doing that. I was blown away. I asked her why the change of heart. She basically explained to me that she heard Emily and I talking and she heard my heart behind why I was consequencing her. So the Lord completely orchestrated the events and He reached this Little.

I had really gotten to the point with this Little where I had no idea what to do. Nothing seemed to motivate her. So I had really spent a lot of time that morning in speechless prayer handling her and the other girls in my room to the Lord. It was all Him, as it always is. He is the one who works in the hearts of girls and makes the difference.

The Lord is so good to me. The environment in my room in getting better. My Little was respectful to me yesterday. We have come through one more battle and are stronger for it. We still will have many more to face as a room, but the Lord is in it all and in that I take comfort.

I hope this rambling makes sense and is connected. I sometimes wonder if I should edit my Ramblings before just sending them off to you--but that probably won't ever happen. I hope that through it all you see God's hand in my life and His incredible care of me. He is my constant. My hope. My rock. The reason I can live this life joyously. He gives me all things pertaining to life.

Ramblings 10-08-2008

2008-11-07T05:17:00.000+09:00

I posted some pictures of my fellow Bigs and the various other staff here on property. If I don't put a position in parenthesis after there name then they are a Big. Enjoy. I enjoy each and every one of the crazy people in these pictures and are blessed by them.

So much has gone on in the last month! I really need to get better at posting. I am adjusting to life here at Doulos and am loving what God has called me to. This will be really random, but I am going to share the things running through my brain! Hopefully you will be blessed.

A few days ago I got a random phone call from my sister, Alicia, letting me know that it'll work for me to visit her for Thanksgiving. I am pumped and excited about this. Then as I was looking up plane tickets I was starting to wonder how I was going to pay for. I have the money, but I don't. It'll be available in a few months. So I was already thinking about who I could ask to borrow money from. In Korea I had them withhold 20% of my paycheck each month so that twice a year I would basically get a check from them for $1000-$1200, depending on the exchange rate. It just helped me save. Anyhow, I hadn't received my last one yet and found out this week that they have sent it to the States! I just love how the Lord provided the money when I needed it.

Today was my day off. I found a car to borrow and decided to drive to Springfield for Chic-fil-a. Driving is sort of therapeutic for me, so even though its a 30-45 drive there...I figured, Why not? God is so good. Right as I was getting on the highway, my sister Alicia called and we chatted for all the way to Springfield and a little in the Chic-fil-a parking lot. We talked for an hour and it was to good to be able to connect with her.

Then as I was driving home, as I was getting on the highway again, my mother called! So I chatted with her until my cell phone battery got low. I was just tremendously blessed to be able to talk to both of them and God orchestrated the timing of the calls so well. My mother also told me when she talked to me that she talked to the Comal County voting people and has my packet coming in the mail so I could vote. This made my day. I had tried looking up how to vote as a Texas resident in Missouri but was unsuccessful. It was a really small thing, but it blessed me tremendously!

Anyhow, last night was a rough night. A friend confronted me on some things and some of it was hard to hear. I am thankful she did and God used it to kick my butt and get to realize I need to do some of the things He has been placing on my heart. If I had but listened to him, I might not have hurt my friend less and she would have known me better. Anyhow, let's just say I cried myself to sleep last night and then this morning broke down again. I was just struggling to process some of the things I heard and battling believing so of the recurring lies that Satan loves to tell me about myself. All of this is to say, that I was needing a run. So once I got back from Springfield, I put on my running shoes and ran. Such a blessing. I really need to make this a higher priority. This is only the third time I have run in the almost two months I have been here. It really helped me process and just run out some emotion.

After running, I came in and took a LONG shower. It was nice just to take a shower and not feel rushed or hurried. I really enjoyed it.

Then a little bit later, Wendy, Zach, Kyle, and I went to dinner at Macaroni Grill--I ordered the Pesto Chicken Pizza...muchisoyo! (delicious). It was some good times. I got to share a little of Korea over dinner--it felt really good to talk about it. I love sharing about my times in Korea.

Once I got back from Macaroni Grill, I just have been watching various movies I have from my time in Korea (School report, Bungee jumping, eating octapus, Songtan dinner club, Philippines Mission Trip) and looked at pictures. Anyhow, I haven't had too many missing Korea days..but have had several this past week. I don't really wish I was there...I just wish I could drop by for the day and catch up with people in person.

Anyhow...this whole Rambling is about a bunch of little things...but all these little things are things God has used just to love on me and make my day better. His care for me is so great. I have 10 million other things I could blog about and probably will in the near future...but for tonight this is what I wanted to share.

I was suppose to have my first weekend off last weekend, but there was a scheduling conflict and my first weekend off is October 18th. I will probably blog some more then and introduce you guys to the Littles in my room and some of the other things the Lord is teaching me.

Comments and Pictures

2008-11-04T14:12:00.001+09:00

One of the reasons I switched back to blogger, other than there are no word limits on journal entries is so that people can comment.

I would love for this blog to be interactive. If you have a question, comment, or just want to say hi...then just click on comments and leave a message. You don't have to sign up for anything to comment on my blog. It should hopefully be a fairly painless process. Comments keep me encouraged. I will still post even if you don't comment. However, there are times where it seems like I am just writing out to this blank void.

If you comment, then it just helps me feel like I am actually writing TO someone.

On a side note, I am still having problems trying to upload pictures into by blog! That is the main reason I was trying to find a new site to blog through. I know blogs with pictures are more interesting to read and visit. My troubles posting pictures and the fact that I cannot post pictures with Littles in them are making it harder for me to share pictures with you. However, if you look in my sidebar I have a link where you can click to see my pictures in Picasa. I also have uploaded some slideshows into my sidebar. I am doing my best.

Last but not least. Thanks for your support. Even if you don't comment, I do have a site meter so I can at least know if people are reading. I am not always the best on commenting on other people's blogs as well, so please don't feel bad if you don't comment. Just know that it blesses me and helps me fell connected to you. Communication while in LeadTime is limited so my blog is the best way for me to keep up with you.

I love you all.

Labor Day 2009

2008-10-30T12:23:00.000+09:00

I have decided that night coverage is a great time to write updates or blogs. It makes the time go by very quickly and allows me to stay connected with people.

I really don’t have much free time. I hear it will get better after we are done with our training. However, right now, the first free time I have is at 11:00 pm. I have thought of calling many of you once the kids are down, but then it is really late at night and you are probably asleep as well!

As Big Sisters to the Shelterwood students we take on many roles for them…parent, mentor, friend, etc. I would say my current biggest adjustment is having little time for myself. So far it hasn’t been too bad. However, just the thought that I can’t just get up and run in the morning before everyone is up…it’s a little sad. I love the mornings and the fact that I am stuck in the house sucks. I am finally living where it is pretty and I cannot even get up to enjoy it. I will survive—it’s just a little sad. I think I am going to have to run in the afternoon. I really detest afternoon running—but you do what you have to do. This is how parenthood works. You get “your stuff” in once the kids needs are met.

I do get up about and hour and half before the girls in my room so that I can start my day off with the Lord. That has been good. Emotions in a houseful of teenage girls has its ups and down. While there have been some distinctive hard moments, overall the good moments outweigh the bad. I feel like I am handling things okay. I am waiting for my breakdown. However, when I moved to Korea I never really felt like I went through culture shock though I did.

Looking back on my first year in Korea…I can see it, but as I was living it, overall things felt pretty good. Ask me in a few months and I am sure I will have one of those “sigh” moments that I had my first year of Korea. A “sigh” moment is when you take a deep breath and you think to yourself, “You know. Things are easier. I feel like I know what I am doing and I’m adjusted.” This happened to me at three different times in my first year in Korea. I have a feeling it might be the same here.

Random piece of information—my day will always be on Wednesday. It is not the day off that I wanted simply because it is chapel day so it is shorter than the other days off. It’s really not a big deal, but I sort of laughed when I got it. But days off will rotate and then it will be someone else’s turn to have the shorter day off. I still am not sure how I will handle days off—to stay on property of not. I have a feeling if I stay on property it won’t be as refreshing. I would love to hang out in my room and get stuff done, but sometimes you just need to get away.

As you can see from this rambling, I have a lot of things to figure out with managing my personal time. I still have a lot to figure out with the girls. I will admit that this is the first year where I have been able to really say that age and life experience just makes life easier. Having not been in this exact situation before, but having dealt with a lot of the issues that I currently am dealing with, I am able to quickly process stuff and I just have knowledge that makes things easier. I am not describing this well.

Anyhow, life at the House is good. As usual, I highly doubt I am a “favorite” Big. They think I am a bit extreme in what I expect of them. I hope they soon are able to see my heart in it. Though there never goes a day that doesn’t have its moments, I am enjoying my job here. I love these girls so much already. I still look at others and sometimes wish I was able to more easily form relationships with people and get to know them, but am really content with the way God made me and okay with the fact that they way I form relationships will be different than others. This is where that “life experience” comes in handy. You can always be praying that the Lord gives me favor here. That I will be able to do rules with relationship well. I often don’t understand why God has called me to work with teens when I really don’t feel like I am very good at it. Perhaps that is exactly why—to make sure I am doing it in His strength.

We are currently training up until the time the girls come home from school. I have had one “day off” (2:30 pm to midnight) since August 13^th. I am looking forward to my next day off in two days. As I am in a houseful of twenty-something people, I thankful that the Lord gave me a high noise tolerance level. The noise really doesn’t bother me most of the time. I hang out outside with the girls as much as possible. I love it outside and get restless when I sit in the living room in the House—too much noise and junk and it is very hard for me to concentrate one conversation. I cannot wait until I get a better feel for the schedule and how to manage my personal life. I cannot wait until I have had more time here and I have stronger relationships not only with the Littles, but also the Bigs.

And my thoughts seem very scattered, but felt like blurting this out to you—sometimes get the best response. The Lord is my rock and the constant in my life. He is what sustains. I am thankful to Him for brining me here.

I love you all,

Amber

A Day in the Life of Amber

2008-10-30T12:15:00.001+09:00

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

5:00 Shower and get ready for the day

6:00 Quiet Time and Journal

7:00 Prepare 8 am, 3 pm, 6 pm, and 9pm meds for all in the House

8:00 Breakfast

8:15 Scarf down breakfast

8:25 Roll call for school

8:27 Walk Littles to school

8:30 Quiet Time

9:00 Bigs get in vehicles and go to K-Kawaui for more Orientation Training

12:00 Bigs get in vehicles and return to property for lunch

12:10 Bigs arrive on property to find out the bathroom in the dining hall has backed up and there is a poopy mess to clean up in the kitchen—everyone waits outside for lunch as they have not even started making it.

12:30 Still waiting for lunch and Littles (Shelterwood students) arrive for lunch. Ask them to wait outside and explain the situation.

12:?? Get served some thrown together PB&J or tuna sandwitches from a window in the kitchen

1:00 Bigs get in vehicles and return to property for more Orientation Training

2:10 Bigs return to property

2:30 Bigs have a meeting to prepare for the Littles to come home from school (work out the logistics of who is watching who and who has to serve what punishment and who needs to be where type of thing)

3:00 Teachers bring Littles back to the House

3:00-3:15 Adjust and amend previously made plans and shuffle as need be and give out afternoon meds

3:30-4:00 Supervised Room Grounding for a Little

4:00-5:00 Did a work hour with two Littles

5:00-5:30 Ran a “work hour” (2 miles in 25 minutes) with a Little

5:30-6:00 Walk a 30 min “work hour” with another Little

6:00 Distribute evening meds and eat dinner

6:30 No official “duty”. Take a shower and hand out in the living room.

7:06 Head outside with another little so she can do one of her three 30 minute aerobics for the week—we shot some hoops.

8:00-9:00 Supervised study time in my room with my Littles

9:00-9:30 Give out night meds

9:30-10:00 Room time—time to connect with the three Littles in my room

10:30 Main light off

10:45 All lights out

10:45-12 Night duty downstairs—Set first part of alarm system and sit outside the doors to ensure everyone is sleeping and in their rooms.

Midnight Set the alarm completely and go to bed.

First Impressions

2008-10-30T11:48:00.000+09:00

I have now completed 9 days of training. The first days were devoted to getting to know those we will be living with and those LeadTimers who will be at our Kansas City location. I am really enjoying ALL of those who are going to be part of this program. All the staff members have a love for the Lord and you can just tell they are very grounded in the Lord.

Though I have completed 9 days of training, we didn’t really start learning anything about what we are doing this year until the last few days. However, in the last few days I have received kitchen training, learned about de-escalation, proper restraining methods, how to give medicine, Shelterwood’s rules and our responsibilities, the rules of the House and our responsibilities, and vehicle training. I am now also CPR, First Aide, and AED certified.

We are currently staying at K-Kawaui Family Camp. Though this place is incredibly nice and just down the street from where I will be living next year, I am ready to move into the House. I officially move into the House where I will be living for the next year in about twelve hours. The kids are currently on a break and will return the day after we move in. There about 5 kids on property who did not go home to their families. When you first enter the program, you do not go home for the first break.

Anyhow, I am ready to move it. I know I have a lot to learn, but I am ready to start doing what I came here to do. Tomorrow I essentially become a parent. I become a parent to those teens who are in the House under my care. Though I am called a big sister, I will be responsible to take on the role of parent. The care will be constant like that of a parent. I am “on-duty” all day long. I cannot even get up in the morning and run before everyone in the house stirs. I cannot leave my girls unsupervised as they sleep or at anytime during the day. I have 12 hours off a week. This job will be hard, but is such an incredible opportunity to invest into the lives of these girls. I am confident this will be a year of tremendous growth.

This entry is all jumbled as so much is going through my head and heart and so much that I would love to share with you guys. Not only with my start at LeadTime, but even my transition back to the States, and just this transition in my life. There are several things that have to do with all the transition I have been doing these past few months that I have started to process in this past week. Some interesting things!

However, rather than share it all, I share one thing He is really pressing into my heart. The Lord has had me studying 2 Corinthians this week. In chapters 2 and 3, Paul is describing his confidence to the church at Cornith--His confidence in his ministry, his love toward the church, and in ministering the New Covenant. Several times the word adequate comes up. Each time Paul is describing how his ministry to the church at Corinth has nothing to do with his adequacies—it all has to do with the work of the Holy Spirit. At one point Paul writes, “Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

This is what this year is about for me. I am not adequate for what the Lord has called me to this year, but in His strength I can walk in the confidence that He will use me for His glory. It will be the work of the Spirit that changes the lives of these teens. It will be in His love that I will love these teens. I will be depending on Him for wisdom to even know what to do. It will be His grace and forgiveness that keeps me going when I mess up. It will be the community of the body of Christ that He established that will keep me encouraged and built up.

Anyhow, I really need to head to bed. I welcome any questions! If you want to know anything just click on comments and leave your question there!

A Little About Doulos

2008-10-30T11:40:00.003+09:00

What is Doulos?

The purpose of Doulos Ministries is to disciple, train, and place Christian servant-leaders to disciple youth and families. Doulos offers a unique atmosphere for spending time together. We work, study, eat, play, laugh, and hurt together. Jesus said that He chose the disciples to be “with Him”. The need for other people to be involved in your growth encourages the process of discipleship.

Doulos has three different ministries that fall under its umbrella: LeadTime, Shelterwood, and The Sky’s the Limit. I will educate you a little more about LeadTime and Shelterwood as these two ministries are two different ministries that work together to help troubled teens.

What is LeadTime?

Leadtime is a one-year discipleship program for men and women, ages 21-30, with interests in being trained in the basics of Christian living and ministry skills. The program occurs in an intense atmosphere of personal relationships.

LeadTime students are known as “Bigs”.

What is Shelterwood?

Shelterwood is a residential care program for troubled teens. The teens (littles) attend a school on campus (Doulos Property) called Shelterwood. This is an actual accredited school where the kids are taking classes and earning credits.

Shelterwood students are known as “Littles”.

How do LeadTime and Shelterwood work together?

LeadTime ("Bigs") and Shelterwood ("Littles") have many parts of their programs that overlap. One of them is that we all live together. There is a girls house and a boys house. I am a LeadTime student and am “Big Sister” to the students at Shelterwood. And that is how you get "Bigs" and "Littles". It is much easier to just say Bigs/Littles as opposed to Big Sister/Little sister and Big Brother/Little Brother. I think you got it! Each Big shares a room with two to three littles. So I will be sharing a room with a couple of teens.

The House has a purpose statement that I would like to share with you. “Our purpose is to provide a structured and safe environment through which to build relationships, encourage, and support teenagers during their time at Shelterwood with the goal of restoring them to their families and ultimately to God.”

What is the age group of the kids I will be working with?

Teens in Shelterwood can be anywhere from 13-18, although most teens are around 15 and 16.

What kind of background do these kids come from?

These teens are mostly from middle to upper middle class families. Their parents are either Christians or open to Christianity, since they're choosing to put them in a Christian residential program. Some have pretty functional families, others have pretty dysfunctional families. Overall, most parents are invested and involved in the program with the teen. They come with a variety of issues: rebellion, lack of motivation, poor grades, some drug use (not severely addicted), maybe promiscuity, depression, etc.

A fact that I find interesting. 2% of the USA population is made up of adopted children. 40% of our kids have been adopted.

Can I survive my year in LeadTime without a car?

LeadTime is very do-able without a car. As long as your record is good, you'll be able to use ministry vehicles to transport the teens places (there might be some insurance requirements. I can check into it). You can't use ministry vehicles for personal use, but many LeadTime students have cars, and in general are generous with allowing other students to use them. Your days off will be staggered, so chances are you can use someone's car who isn't off on the same day you are.

I will admit that I think this will be a little hard for me. It is weird for me to have to borrow a car to go anywhere. It will be a great growing experience and I think I will appreciate the freedom a car brings that much more by the end of this year!

What is the housing situation? Will I have my own room? Will I share a room?

You will share a room with 1-3 others. You will share a room with two to three Shelterwood students.

Do we all go to the same church?

There are 3-5 churches in the community that our LeadTime students go to. They're solid, Bible believing churches. You'll take Shelterwood teens with you to church on Sundays. Church attendance is required for all Shelterwood teens, however, they do get to choose where they want to go of the approved churches. Where I attend will be dependent upon where my Littles wish to attend.

Will I have any time off?

Each week we have one “day” off from 12 noon to 12 midnight.

Our year is split into trimesters. Each trimester we will get three weekends off. Weekends off begin Friday at 12 noon and end Sunday at 8 pm.

Vacations correspond with the Shelterwood School Schedule for breaks at Thanksgiving (November 22-Dec 1), Christmas (December 23-January 4), Spring Break (March 13-22), and Beginning of Summer (May 22-31).

It is my goal to spend Christmas with my family. I also hope to visit my sister Alicia in California for one of my breaks. And my cousin gets married during my Beginning of Summer Break and of course I will go home for that!

Wrapping Up

2008-06-10T18:36:00.001+09:00

By this time next week my life in Korea will basically be finished. CRAZY!

A week from now I will be at ending my day at Hong Kong Disney. Our JAK (Jamie Amber Kara) group is going to chill in Hong Kong for a week. These ladies are my two best friends here in Korea and we are going to hang out for a week before we part ways to to start lives on three different continents. Jamie is moving to Germany, I am moving to the USA, and Kara will return to Korea.

I have thought about posting several times but then I am never quite sure what to say. This saying goodbye and wrapping up a chapter of your life is exhausting work. Though there are tons of bittersweet moments, I am sort of ready for it to just be over. I am in this weird in-between stage right now. I will be in this stage for the next several months at least, but you can only say goodbye for so long before it's time to just go and say your final goodbye. Does that make any sense?

I taught my last full day of school today. We have two half days left and the kids are taking finals and the days are by no means "normal" days. Thankfully school is wrapping up well and I am not stressed and concerned about getting things done. Tomorrow is kindergarten graduation so we will have some extra time to get things done. I don't think I will be pulling any late nights which is good because this week is full of eating a bunch of yummy Asian food and cramming in fellowship with people.

Monday was Kalbi with Aftan, Kara, and Nicole at my favorite place near Jisan.

Tonight (early evening) I learned how to make Pancit (Filipino dish) with Mylene.

Tonight (later evening) I went to YoungRan's house and had tea and icecream with some great coversation.

Wednesday will be spicy octapus for lunch with group from school.

Thursday will be Pudachigae or spicy octapus with Ann and maybe Kalduksu for lunch.

Two of things on my "To-Do List" before leaving Korea was to go to the dentist and to get new glasses. I can finally check both of those items off. I got me teeth cleaned and checked and am good to go--no cavities! Below is a picture of me in my new glasses. I am

not completely sold on them yet, but that is good. Normally, when I love my glasses right away end up not liking them in the end. You can decide for yourself what you think!

I am in my final days here. This Friday is my last night to hang out at the House. My last Saturday in Korean is going to be jammed pack full of fun as well. I am getting one more bungee jump in on Saturday morning--June tradition...go bungee jumping on someone's last weekend! I would hate to break the tradition of the last three years. After jumping off the tower, we will probably stop at Papa John's for lunch. Then I will make pancit, chicken terriyaki, and oriental salad for the folk at the House. This weekend is my last weekend at the House.

The House has been a HUGE part of my experience here and it is hard to believe that when I walk out the door on Saturday night, that I won't be coming back. This is where I have spent most Fridays and Saturdays since arriving in Korea. This place and those in it have been my family.

On Sunday I will enjoy lunch with the wonderful Caudle family. That evening I will pack my bags and on Monday morning I will board a plane for Hong Kong!

I will be in Hong Kong for one week, until June 23rd. I will be in Korea long enough to repack my bags and chill a little before getting on the bus and taking my last bus to Incheon airport where a

series of planes will take me to San Antonio, Texas.

As you can see I am busy having fun here in Korea. I have been in the USA for a total of 25 days in almost three years (2 years and 11 months). I have not seen my family much. In just a few short weeks I will be spending a month and a half with my family! That is unbelievable. I miss being a part of their every day life and cannot express how much I am looking forward to that.

Thoughts--Not sure much sense they will make!

2008-05-24T22:39:00.000+09:00

Since I feel as though I have sent out too many e-mails lately, I have decided to attempt to just post my random thoughts here. There is much going on in my mind as I am weeks from ending the Korean chapter of my life and moving on to the next.

Though I know I am leaving and things have been working toward that for a time, this week it hit in a new way...a more real way. I am not exactly sure, but it might have had to do with the fact that last weekend I realized I had less than month until I leave for Hong Kong and am basically finished with my life in Korea. Then there have just been moments this week where I have just enjoyed my students. I love them always and most things I do are motivated by the love I have for them--but there are times that I enjoy and appreciate them more than others. This week was just one of those weeks were I looked at my kids and could see how much they have grown. It just makes me proud and it makes me want to continue to be a part of their lives.

I have been tired all week and do not know why. Today is Saturday and I had nothing to do until this evening. I woke up multiple times and attempted to start my day reading a book. I never lasted more than fifteen minutes before I had fallen into a deep sleep again. I did this all morning until about 1 pm. At that point I was finally rested. It may have nothing to do with leaving, but I have gone to bed at a decent time all night this week and nothing out of the ordinary is going on. I think it is just an emotional weariness from realizing how little time I have left here. While I know it is time to move on, I have loved my time here in Korea. I am not in a hurry to leave. I am not leaving to "escape". I am simply leaving because God has said it is time to pursue some of the other things He has placed on my heart.

It's weird, but I only have one to two more nights at the Hospitality House--the body of believers I have been a part of here. This body has been my family. I have grown and much as I have been a part of this body of believers. This past year has had it ups and downs, and there was a time where I stopped wanting to be there. It used to be that you couldn't keep me away. There was no question on IF I would show up a Friday or Saturday night. I was there. I wanted to be there. I was encouraged and challenged and blessed by the people there. This year it has been more forced. I have gone because I was committed to the body there and no other reason. I would dread going. Anyhow, I persevered and think I have learned the lessons the Lord had for me through that time. The Hospitality House is once again a place a I want to be. I look forward to going and being blessed. Sadly though, this is the time of the year where I sort of "disappear" from the House. We have so many school events that take place on Friday or Saturday nights that while I go whenever I can--I am just gone a lot. In the past when this time of the year had rolled around, it was not a big deal and I would know that soon I would be back to being very involved. This year, there is not that hope. Right about the time I get "free" I am getting on a plane and returning to the USA. I am still taking advantage of every opportunity I can--there are just so few left. I know it will be weird when I walk away from the House for the final time.

Anyhow, those are a few of my thoughts. I have some pictures that perhaps blogger will allow me to post. I have some time tomorrow and might post if I have time. Who know!

Until next time...

New Year's Day Sledding

2008-01-03T22:36:00.000+09:00

Kara, Stephanie, Simcha, Me

At the top of the hill...

The Boys

A potential heat source--it was only slightly warmer than anywhere else

The Caudle, Spalding, and Candelerio kiddos

Me trying to get my feet warm in the car--unfortunately I don't own appropriate footwear for trumping through the snow or even standing outside for long periods of time. My Crocs are always my winter shoes. They keep my feet extremely warm--the only pair that does--however, they have no grip so I did not even dare wear them outside.

Sadly, my feet were so cold that it was hard for me to enjoy sledding. I left after about an hour and only the first 15 minutes of sledding were enjoyable! Aigoo.

Taking a break--watching other sled as the eat ham and talk.

Stewarding Creativity

2008-01-03T22:09:00.000+09:00

My goal for this break was 1) to stay home as much as possible and 2) to finish my quilt (the top at least). I did it. I finished my quilt top. Now I just need to send it off to be quilted. I have a list of things I would like to accomplish before I die. Making a quilt was one of them. I will soon be able to check this off my list!

Somewhere along the way I added it to my goal to start and finish the quilt I am making for my sister as well. Last year I got this idea to turn all the clothing my sister wore during her time in India into a quilt as a good reminder of India. I am pumped about this idea and it is my prayer that is will be a reminder to her and others who see to to remember to lift south Asia into their prayers.

Me in process!

There are two things that have been great about making this quilt:

First, it is allowing me to use the creativity He has placed in me. I have been a very poor steward of this gift that He has given me for the past five or so years. One of my goals in the upcoming year to be a better steward of this talent the He had given me. Making both of these two quilts has brought joy to my heart as it is but the start of getting my creative juices rolling. I miss creating so much.

Second, it has given me a lot of time to lift India up to the Lord and petition Him to work in the hearts of men and woman there so that He would be glorified. It helps that God allowed me to spend two weeks in India so many of the fabrics bring memories of people to places. Kara and I did not have the television on either of the days I have been working on this quilt which has allowed me to really be able to focus on praying for the people of India as I work. This is not something I had planned, but a blessing from the Lord that He has given me this time and placed it on my heart to lift them up.

Please take a moment and click on my comments and leave a quick prayer for the Lord's name to be proclaimed in South Asia and for the people to come to know the Lord.