The Gospel

The Lord has really been stirring my heart, the power of the Gospel and challenging me in my belief about what the Lord is truly capable of accomplishing in a person's life. I attend Bayou City Fellowship every Sunday that I can. EVERY single time I am able to go, the Lord uses the pastor and worship team to stir in my heart and reinforce the power of Jesus. Every week the gospel is presented at some point and almost guaranteed I can count on being challenged to share the good news with someone, if not at least 3 people that week.

My job is my current outlet for sharing the gospel. For my job, I am parenting elementary girls from a number of backgrounds. I am only 9 months into parenting. I did not get to start with them as babies, but got them 8-10 years into their life and I have minimal knowledge about their life before Boys and Girls Country.

I have one girl in particular that challenges me. She struggles to forgive herself. She is deeply hurting and as a result, "bleeds onto others" and it is not pretty, nor is it easy to deal with. She can become very verbal and physical when upset and you never know what will upset her. In all of this, it is really easy to bogged down with behavior and not to see that the behavior is simply on outward expression of an inward struggle.

She is lost. She is drowning in a sea of unforgiveness. She is clutching onto her anger as she is erecting walls high and deep to cut herself off from those who love and care for her. She is wounded and goes into "fight and flee" mode when it seems like someone is getting through her defenses.

Only the Lord can set her free.

I know this in my head, but do I act on it? Do I share with her the gospel--the good news that she can be free from her bondage and forgiven her sins? No. I deal with her behavior and get frustrated when she just seems to be escalating in aggressiveness. I get frustrated when her issues do not miraculously disappear.

This past Sunday morning started with this girl making poor choices and the other girls setting the alarm off to report what is going on. We come from our personal quarters, turn the alarm off, and deal with the girl. We end up calling the Sherriff. I barely have time to change from my pajamas before the deputies arrive. When they leave, I look at the clock and dash out the door to church at Bayou City.

I get to church and the Lord provides encouragement by placing a woman of God who understands my job situation and who is able to offer encouragement. I go to the service and it is all about the Good News. It is about the power of Christ and what His death has accomplished. As is usual on a Sunday morning, we are challenged to share the Good News with the lost and dying world. To share with them the way to freedom from the bondage of sin. This entire time, the Lord is stirring in me a heart to share the gospel with this one girl who is lost and dying in her sin.

By the end of church, I am determined to go home and share the gospel with her that day.

Do I do it? No, however, I start praying the Lord will provide an opportunity.

Be careful what you pray for!

It is now a few days later and once again this girl is struggling to make good choices. As she is struggling, she is getting physical and nothing seems to be able to calm her down for more than a few minutes. Several hours into this, I finally very directly start questioning her about her heart issues. This opens a door to share the gospel with her. The breakthrough in her calming down is not when I dealt with her behavior, but when I addressed the spiritual issue.  Once she was calm and after talking about Christ's power, I was then able to encourage her with a song the Lord had given me for this girl. After all that, we were able to deal with the behavior in a way that was constructive.

This girl still has a way to go before she releases her anger, forgives herself, and opens her heart to love the Lord is lavishing upon her. Do I believe He can work on her heart sooner than later? Absolutely. Do I believe He has the power to free her from her bondage? Absolutely. Do I believe He can accomplish it instantaneously if He chooses? Absolutely.

If you think of it, pray for this girl. She is not closed to God, however, she is not able to embrace Him as she feels she does not deserve His love or anyone else's. She is trying to earn it. Tonight she prayed and asked the Lord to help her in her unbelief--to help her believe she is worthy of His love and His forgiveness.

Who in your life is screaming out for the transforming work of Christ?
Do you only see their outward behaviors or do you see their cry for God?
Are you willing to share the good news of the transforming work of Christ with them?

Delight

I live in house with a married couple (Daniel and Kelly) who have a 7 month baby (Reagan), myself, and 7 elementary girls.

One day, we are meeting in our living room with our program manager (one of the perks of my job is that meetings happen in living rooms). During this meeting, Daniel is on the floor with Reagan who is playing on a blanket. He is just laying next to her, delighting in Reagan--smiling at her, playing with her, encouraging her to roll over, tickling her belly, just loving on her.

It was such a picture of what our Abba Daddy does for us. He delights in us.

It also reminded me to make sure I am delighting in the people the Lord has placed in my life. Do I just sit and enjoy the friends the Lord has placed in my life? Do I delight in my girls?

I know that my girls eat it up when we notice them. Their faces beam with pleasure as we brag on them and a happy gleam enters their eyes.

So this past Change of Shift meeting in my living room, reminded me that my Abba Daddy delights in me and it challenged me to delight in those the Lord has placed in my life.

Go. Enjoy your week. Delight in Him and His people.

Relationships

I feel like I have had an epiphany over the past week or so. I may be a little slow, because it seems so obvious now.

However, if you asked me which area in my life needed the most growth, I would quickly say, "My relationships."

I have always felt that relationships are not my strength. I look at other people and see that they do relationship well and that I could improve. I will also admit that I have come a LONG way in my overall ability to maintain and even just participate in a good friendship. Despite that, I still feel like it is an area where I could grow a lot more.

I have tons of relationships in my life that are simply amazing. I also have some that are hard.

None of this is the epiphany--just some background into my thinking about relationships as related to myself.

My epiphany has two parts:
1) I have a job that is ALL about relationship.
2) I am better at relationships that I think and this is an area where I have probably allowed Satan to tell me lies.

Processing this epiphany further...

If Satan can get me thinking that relationships are hard for me and that other people are better at relationship than me, he takes away some of my effectiveness relationally. The Lord has called me to a job that requires I be able to be good a relationship.

Technically, I could care for my girls and provide for their basic needs. However, if I do not have relationship with them, then there are a lot of opportunities to speak Truth, share Love, and offer Life that are missed because I believe someone else can do those things better. I do not do those things because I am waiting for someone who will do it better to do it. I have this mindset, rather than the mindset that Christ has prepared me for such a time as this and He has placed me in their life for a reason. I lose sight of the reality that the Lord has placed things in me to share with my girls that He desires for ME not someone else to share with them.

This exact same thing translates into my non-work related relationships as well. Those who know me well, know how much my I have struggled with relationship since my 6th grade year.

As I contemplate how Satan works, it would make sense that he would attack my perception of my ability to be relational. Satan loves to attack where he sees where God can work through someone. The Lord has called me to love the broken-hearted and the hurting. It is a task that requires relationship. God has purposed this for me. Satan, seeing that I am seeking the Lord and desire to bring Him to the broken hearted and hurting, is going to do whatever he can to see that this does not happen. In my case, Satan causes me to look at relationship through the tinted lens of failure. He tries to get me to believe that I suck at it and that ALL these other people do it better. If I believe this, then I will hold myself back as I "allow" someone who is better than me speak into a person's life.

Relationships are something that I do not believe I will ever stop growing in. There will always be a way to grow relational with people. However, I have been looking at my relationships and ability to be relational through a tinted lens. I need to look at my relationships through HIS lens.

Anyhow, this is what I am currently processing with the Lord. It may not seem like a big deal. However, I feel like this is going to be fairly pivotal in taking back ground that I have been allowing Satan to have.

Debt Free!

I am officially debt free! No more college loans. I have paid back any money borrowed during lower times of employment. The LORD is faithful and I am thankful for His provision.

All in All

Over the past few weeks I have often been signing over and over again, "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You." I sing this when my brain is going crazy re-playing interactions with people, or when I am struggling to believe the best about someone.

So...knowing that...and that I have been singing this song...ALOT...and as I struggled with not knowing if anyone believed I was doing an okay job at parenting...any parents ever have those moments?...as I have had to trust the Lord with other people's thoughts about me...as I have wrestled with if I was being stubborn for Him...or if I was just being selfishly stubborn...

Imagine how amazing it felt when the Lord was so good to me and filled my love tank by speaking to me in one of my primary love languages, words of affirmation--and not just from one source, but a number of different sources.

He is my All in All. He knows exactly what I need to keep me going.

The longer I am single and as long as the Lord keeps me mobile and/or my relationships transitional....the more He truly is my All in All.

He is my husband. He is my defender. He takes care of me. He cares about my day when no one else does. He is there when I am crying my heart out to Him. He encourages me. He rejoices in the truth. He delights in me. He sustains me. He is the only person who satisfies my soul in my lonely moments. He is my provider. He gives me adventure. He allows me do projects. He tells me when I am messing up. He gives purpose to my day. He swings with me. He is always there.

Every time, for the past 3 years in particular, when my soul has craved for a close friend--for a Kara, or a Laura Beth, or JAK, or a Becca, or a Char, or a Chelsie/Lindsey/Amber triad, or a sister...All these times, there has been a very distinct need I felt that one of those people could have fulfilled if I had them in my daily life.

Yet EVERY TIME...it has really boiled down to a longing in my soul to connect intimately with the Love of my Heart. To connect with my Creator. To connect with the only person who can truly satisfy any longing of my soul.

Today, as the Lord has just encouraged my discouraged soul,  my soul has swelled with a love for Him and a desire to share with you how amazing He is.

Letting Go

Tonight I am struggling to let go, and let God.

I have found that lately I have not done a great job of taking my thoughts captive. I find myself wasting time running conversations and scenarios and interactions over and over in my head. What I need to be doing in these moments is turning these situations over to the Lord and then resting in Him.

NOTHING good comes from my playing these things out in my head.

So that is where I am tonight. The prayer of my heart is that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart would be pleasing to Him.

Continually a work in progress...

30 years

I have recently turned 30. If I had had my way, I would be married and have a few kids of my own by now.

I never would have guessed or even known to think that I would have lived in Korea for 3 years, that it would take living in a house with around 15 teens and 9 adults all working on their issues to finally get how the Lord can love me, that the Lord would send me to Georgia to rest and leave me minimally employed creating a unique opportunity to build relationships with a body of believers that were really able to minister to m soul, and that I would parenting 8 girls in a children's home.

Praise the Lord, that His ways are not our ways.

Though my life looks much different than I had wanted, I am grateful for each and ever season He has given me so far. I do still hope He has a husband in my future--but if He does not, I trust Him in it.

All of these seasons have had some rough moments. All have had lonely moments. All have had difficult things I have had to deal with. All have had amazing friendships. All have taught me a specific trait of the Lord. All have contained joy.

Lord, may I continue to enjoy each season that you give me and to enjoy it for all that it is. Thank you for these 30 years that You have given me.

Hope

Hope has been the topic of contemplation for the past month or so.

As a floater (someone who fills in where ever there is a need) at BGC, I get to attend the church that the cottage I am working in that Sunday is attending when I am working, and I attend Bayou City Fellowship when I am not working.

So far I have been to Bayou City Fellowship, a Presbyterian Church, Farfield Baptist, Community of Faith, and Salem Lutheran--a nice variety. Anyhow, not at all these places, but at several, the topic has been hope. Though it may feel random where I get to gather with believers on Sunday, it is not random to the Lord and He is communicating a message through them all--where do I place my hope?

The easy answer is, "I place my hope in the Lord."

The more complicated part is the answer to this question, "What does that mean/look like?"

As I have listened to a number of messages now on this topic, and even participated in a youth group discussion of this...I am realizing that different believers hope in the Lord looks different. For example, one believer finds hope in Jesus' conquering death. It brings them hope, because if He can conquer death, then He can conquer whatever it is they are facing. Another believer, their hope was based on all the work of the cross. I forget the focus but it was a lot about the cross. These are not "wrong" hopes, but it just made me realize that different people find hope in different aspects of the Lord.

As I am hearing how others find hope in Christ, I find myself thinking, "That isn't what gives me hope?"  I knew which aspect of God it is that gives me hope, however, hearing various discussions on the topic has given me the opportunity to meditate on hope.

In my meditations, one of the things I have tried to do is just define the word itself. As I don't know that I ever came up with an official definition, I decided to consult dictionary.com. This is what they had to say...

hope:  noun 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turnout for the best
                   2. a particular instance of this feeling
                   3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance
                   4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered
                   5. something that is hoped for
            verb 6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
                   7. to believe, desire, trust

Definitions 4 and 6 really help me as I will attempt to describe how the Lord gives me hope.

The "a person or thing in which expectations are centered". This  resonates with my soul. My hope is in the person of God (all three aspects of Him). He is the person in which all expectations are centered. When I place hope in Him, I am taking my expectations and allowing Him to be the center of them and what defines them. If I looked to the people, or things, or circumstances of the world to do this...I would be hopeless and wonder, "Why continue?" However, when He is who expectations are centered in, I am able to deal with the present.

When I hope (verb) in Christ, I am looking forward with desire to eternity with reasonable confidence. Knowing that this world is not ALL there is to life--gives me great hope. This is but preparation ground for what is coming. It gives purpose to all that I do. I am preparing for eternity and perfect communion with God. This is my hope. I am one of those weird people, that while I do no have a death wish, I have a longing for eternity. If the Lord took me tomorrow, I would not be sad. The verses that talk about being an alien in this world--that is me. I have not felt completely at home in any of the physical places I have lived. I feel most at "home" when I am in good communion with Him and that just increases my desire and hope for the day when I will see Him face to face.

My hope is in the character of God. My hope in Him is in eternity.

Boys and Girls Country of Houston

As mentioned in my last post.... I am now a teaching parent at Boys and Girls Country (BGC). I am about to reach my two month anniversary here and so far love it. This job is a really good fit for me. Some would say I am in the honeymoon face and I still like everyone. Perhaps this is true. However, I know the Lord has brought me here and I look forward to the next few years here as I get to invest in this community.

I figured I would take a moment to tell you a little about BGC. Lots of people have asked questions. Hopefully this post answers some, if not most, of those questions. Apologies in advance for the length.

First a video.

Boys and Girls Country provides a Christian home – a place to live for a few years, or a place to grow up – for 48 boys and 40 girls, ages 5 to 18, a total of 88 children at any one time.  Children are not candidates for adoption, though many sibling groups get the chance to grow up together at our Home.  Children typically are able to attend public school and can function in a family environment.  

Boys and Girls Country helps families (mothers, fathers, grandparents, guardians) who realize they need help in raising their children. Families are often in conflict; they face issues ranging from alcohol or drug abuse, violence, serious illness, abuse, incarceration, abandonment, or the death of a family member. They need help, but their children are not in the custody of the state, and they do not have money for places that require expensive fees or tuition. 

The family situation requires time apart for the child and family member in order for the child to be safe, to get the most from school, and to grow up. Children often grow in their love and appreciation for family members while they live at Boys and Girls Country, and family members learn how to better love and care for their children.

Boys and Girls Country focuses on education; most students are two to three years behind their peers in school.  We are also committed to long term success for our graduates, so that they will be both ‘self supporting and contributing’ to their community as an adult. Therefore, we do request long-term placement for children and teens. Historically, some children return to a family member after two or three years, but many make the choice to remain, graduate from high school, and enter the College and Career program.

Whatever the reason children come, we are committed to fulfilling our ministry of providing a Christian home. No child is turned away because of race, sex, religion, national origin, or because their family does not have money to pay for care.

Our Mission:  To change the lives of children from families in crisis by loving and nurturing them in a Christian environment, raising them to become self-sustaining and contributing adults.

Our Vision: That every child has a place to grow up and a sense of being home.

A Little History....Boys and Girls Country was established in 1971 as a 501 (c)(3) not-for-profit charitable Home. Our children are primarily from the greater Houston area. We are located 35 miles northwest of Houston. Boys and Girls Country has capacity to serve 48 boys and 40 girls, ages 5-18, a total of 88 children at any one time. Not included in this number are 85 others each year who are still a part of our Home after they have graduated from high school and gone on to college, trade school, the military, or first jobs. We have been home for over 1,300 children during our history. 

Boys and Girls Country provides a warm, loving, family-like Christian atmosphere where children have the opportunity to grow up safe and secure and develop to their full potential. Residents live on campus in cottages with trained houseparents and attend public school. They also participate in outside activities, such as church, band, sports, summer camps, etc.

Boys and Girls Country does not rely on federal or state grants for ongoing support and is not a United Way member agency. We look to caring individuals, businesses, civic groups, churches, and foundations in the community for annual funding and volunteer support. We are committed to serve children who need our Home. No child is turned away because their family does not have money to pay for them.

There are more questions that I have not yet answered....I will take the time to answer them all now, however, I will address one. The rest I will save for another post! I am often asked if I have been assigned a cottage. The answer is no. Right now, I work where ever there is a need. I do not live in a cottage with kids, but in Staff House (a house I share with 3 other singles). I will share more about this in another post. However, I believe that is plenty for now!

Moving

My car is loaded down with most of my earthly goods and in the morning I will get in my car and me and the Lord are moving to Houston. He is already there, as He is everywhere...but you get the point.

It what has seemed like a whirlwind of provision from the Lord--I am now employed at Boys and Girls Country (BGC) as a teaching parent. I start on Monday.

I am excited about this opportunity. I had been asking the Lord to give me a "home" and an outlet to invest my gifts, time, and energy for Him in my singleness. I have also been waiting for the Lord to open doors in a job like this for a few years now. Also, they ask for a 3 year commitment. I am ready to be in a place for at least 3 years; yet, another thing I have been asking the Lord for.

I start 3 weeks training on Monday, April 9! I have a subdued excitement about this move. There are so many things the Lord is providing through this job; however, I have done a similar job before and know that these first 2-6 months will be hard. I could become intimidated by what I might face, but I must rest in Him and that He has prepared for what lies ahead and most importantly has given me a heart for it.

I thought about sending out letters for prayer support for these first few months. However, instead, I just ask that if the Lord places it on your heart to pray for me, that you would do that. I would love to send you an e-mail with a little more information if you are interested in praying for me.

Well, that is the quick update on myself. After taking a needed sabbatical from blogging, I am planning to pick it up again. If you want to hear more about the adventures the Lord takes me on...then come back for more.

Bad Ass for Him

I will not even attempt to catch you up on the happenings of Amber since it has been so long since I have blogged. I will just start with sharing what the Lord is currently doing.

I am living in Bulverde, Texas with my parents. I moved back to Texas in August of last year (2011) to help the parentals and to be near family. All 5 Divers now reside in Texas! But this is a bunny trail...

One of the major themes in my life over the last few years has been the Lord's faithfulness. He is constantly showing Himself faithful through all things. In addition to this, the Lord has really been after me to ask Him for the desires of my heart with the faith that He actually wants to give them to me.

I must admit, I really had to do some soul searching to even identify what these were. I had to bring lots of desires before Him and let Him help me narrow it down and figure it out what it was I really desired.

Two of my heart's desires are (there a a few more):

#1--As much as I would love to be married, more than that, I just want to be a part of a functioning family--my own or a "put-together" one.

#2--My time being single is a gift. If I am going to be single, I want to be a BAD ASS single for Him. (Is there a better way to convey what I am talking about? It's how my sister talks about it and since she said it, I admit I struggle to figure another way to word it). I have been asking the Lord to show mw where to invest the time and energy I have due to my singleness.

So I have been asking the Lord to give me a "home" to run and an outlet to use singleness for Him.

All this to say, I have really been pressing into Him and asking for my heart's desires with faith (and sometimes without). It has been fun to Him work. In a little over a month, He has relieved me of a job I didn't love, prospered my tutoring business, and I see Him at work in me in positive ways. I tend to be of the mentality--"Bring on the hard stuff Lord so that I can grow". Right now, it is hard to have the faith that He wants to give me my heart's desires, but He is growing me through these godo things.  It is hard to describe, but there is a joy in watching Him work.

So I continue to press into Him in faith and to do my best to live bad ass, all out, for Him in this season He has me in and in the new season He is taking me into.

The Lord often speaks to me through songs. My current song is Come Away by Jesus Culture. It goes something like this...

I have a plan for you.

I have a plan for you.

It's going to be wild.

It's going to be grand.

It's going to be full of Him.

Open up your heart and let Me in.

How true this is! The Lord has a good plans for me. It's wild. It's grand. And it's full of Him.

Do you believe He has a GOOD plan for you? Do you want it? Are you willing to open your heart to Him and allow Him in.

The rest of the lyrics to the song are:

Come away with Me. Come away with Me.

It's never too late.

It's not too late.

It's not too late for you.

The Lord is waiting for you. Always. His plans for you are good. Always.

Imitate Me

There is a verse in the Bible where Paul says,

"Imitate Me."

These two words have been a source of much contemplation and meditation.

I have not known many Christians who are willing to say, "Imitate Me." However, more often than not, I have listened to more people discredit themselves when sharing something the Lord has been showing them by saying, "...Not that I do this perfectly" or any number of similar statements.

Why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to say this? Do any of us do anything perfectly or all the time? Is that not a given.

As a math teacher, I would never get before my students and say, "Class, today I am going to teach you how to solve for x. Know that I do not always do this correctly, but here is what you do."

It seems a little silly to say that. Any student of mine already knows that Miss Divers makes mistakes. I don't have to tell them that. However, that doesn't make me any less qualified to teach them to solve for x.

Jumping back to the Paul example...

Why do we hesitate so much to confidently say, "Imitate Me."? Why do I hesitate to confidently tell someone, "Imitate Me."?

I believe it goes back to not truly understanding what is meant when this statement is said among believers. At least that is what it was for me.

Paul didn't tell others to imitate him because he, Paul, was so great. He told others to imitate him, because the Holy Spirit in him was so great. Paul was human like us. He was flawed. He sinned. He didn't always do the right thing? He made mistakes. But he still encouraged believer to imitate him.

So often I don't want to tell others to imitate me, because even if I thought I could say it without sounding prideful--I am flawed. I sin. I don't always do the right thing.

When I hesitate to say to someone, "Imitate me," for these reasons, it is because my focus is off. It is because I am identifying myself with my old, sin nature and not my new nature in Christ.

Another way of wording what Paul said would be, "Imitate Christ in me." However, Paul didn't say the added "Christ in" part. Why? Because his life was a living testimony of Christ. There was no question who he was about. As a child of God, he was identified with Christ and HIS attributes and no longer as sinful Saul.

The other pretty huge thing I got contemplating, "Imitate Me." was...

It is actually our flaws, our sin, our not doing the right thing...these are the things others need to see. Because it is as we deal with these things in a godly way and in right relationship with Him that He is glorified. I never learned much from a person who always did the right thing. However, I have learned much by observing how godly men and women handle messing up. It is good for me to see a brother humbly go to another brother and seek forgiveness for an offense.

The world likes to paint perfect, ideal pictures for us. It is easy to grow up with a warped view of how to handle things or the reality of the consequences of certain choices because we sugar-coat, glamorize, or just flat-out hide the more real and hard things of life.

How valuable it has been for me to be around godly men and women who let me see ALL of their lives...not just he pretty, pleasant parts...but the messy, not-so-fun or attractive parts as well.

I have learned to think of people as "beautiful messes". I say that very affectionately.

The people dearest to my heart are all "Beautiful Messes" but they have played/are playing vital roles in helping me to learn to love God with all my heart and to love my neighbor.

I am not sure how to nicely wrap this up and connect everything as I have taken a break from writing for a time now and am a bit rusty. Also it is nearly midnight and my brain in shutting down.

So I am going to say, "Goodnight!"

Weird Amber Quirk

So one of the weird quirks of my personality is that I feel the need to make use of things I have. For example, if an ingredient is in our pantry/fridge for too long without use, I will cook a meal that uses that ingredient.

Upon my return from Texas, we had some sandwich rounds, home-grown tomatoes, cucumber garlic dip, some lettuce that was going bad, blueberries, and black beans. So tonight for dinner, I made falafel. This used up the sandwich rounds, home-grown tomatoes, cucumber garlic dip, and lettuce. I don't know why, but I get an extreme sense of satisfaction when I can use up random ingredients and create an awesome meal.

I still need to figure something out for the black beans and blueberries...

Today, I also...

• checked out a potential job
• had lunch with some friends
• went to the grocery store
• tweaked a resume and sent it off
• talked to my Nonnie about dates she is going to visit
• found 3 new recipes to try, and tried them all!
• cut up fresh veggies: carrots, green peppers, broccoli
• cleaned out the fridge
• and now I am going to watch a movie.

I believe I have an equally long to-do list for tomorrow, but if feels so good to get things done! It's a strange addiction.

Recent Happenings

Chilling in Suwanee

3 of the kids I watch during the week.

We like to go to the park.

Still recovering from my first case of poison ivy.

I don't suggest getting it--it hasn't been very fun.

The boys from one of my nanny jobs in the spring.

This picture pretty much captures them.

Celebrating Stacey's birthday and

visiting with some friends from Rose Creek.

My 3 youngest housemates. They are lots of fun.

Becca is one my housemates,

the mother of the 3 adorable children above

and a HUGE blessing in my life.

Celebrating my 28th birthday by eating Korean food.

Breaking the Silence

Since moving to Georgia I have been quite silent--both on my blog and through e-mail.

It was just time for a break. I enjoy blogging and keeping in touch with people in this manner, however, at times, I think it is easy to share things here that I don't necessarily share face to face. I didn't want that to be the case. I hope that I am as open in person as I am via blog.

This is nothing I have intentionally done. There are a few reasons for this.

#1-- I happen to really enjoy writing, so blogging is a great outlet.

#2--Blogging has been a great way to stay in touch with people long distance.

#3--I also love to share my thoughts, but in person, am much more the, wait for someone to ask my thoughts and then I share them. Therefore, people don't always know my thoughts because they don't ask. Whereas on my blog, I just share my thoughts--whether you want to hear them or not.

So this year, I have been trying to focus on sharing my thoughts with people in conversation. Does this make any sense?

Anyhow, I am missing writing...

so I am taking blogging up again.

I will try not to "mass blog" in order to catch up as that would be impossible.

Regardless, I am looking forward to "being in touch" once again.

28 Years

Today marks my 28th year on Earth. It was a good day. I am blessed by wonderful family and friends who remembered me and made my day special.

The song of my heart today, is the same song that has been in my heart this past month, Pure and Holy Passion.

I have a unique testimony in that I have always known the Lord. I was raised by parents who love the Lord and some of my earliest memories are of conversations with the Lord. I cannot remember a time where I did not know the Lord in a personal way. It was never just my parents faith--it has always been my own.

He is one of the first people I have turned to with questions, the one who I process my day with, and He is the only person that has truly always been there for me.

As the years have gone by, I have come to know Him more and our relationship has matured and deepened. What a privilege it is to know God and to be known by Him.

If I have any obsession in life, any ambition--it is to know Him more fully. All other things this world has to offer pail in comparison to Him. There have been/are times when I have turned to things of this world--but they always disappoint. I have found Him to be the only source of true life, and life abundant.

As I have gone through this day, I have just been overwhelmed by the fact that I have known Him for 28 years now. I have no idea why He has allowed me to know Him for this long. Why I did not have to go through a season on not knowing Him to turn to Him. I have learned not to question His plans for my life, but am grateful that He has called me to Himself.

So today I celebrate 28 years of knowing Him and being known by Him.

Lord,

Give me one pure and holy passion.

Give me one magnificent obsession.

Give me one glorious ambition for my life--

To know and follow hard after You.

To know and follow hard after You.

To grow as Your disciple in the Truth.

This world is empty, pale, and poor;

Compared to knowing you my Lord.

Lead me on.

I will run after You.

Beautiful.

Still Growing

The Lord has had me on a journey for some time in learning to trust in Him as my provider in the area of finances. As a middle school/high school student I used to worry about finances a lot.

In college, after 3 semesters, the Lord really pressed it on my heart that if He wanted me to go to DBU, He would also provide the finances. Though I had a scholarship, and tuition reimbursement from UPS, it still didn't cover all of my schooling/living expenses. I trusted the Lord in this an quit taking out loans to cover tuition.

The Lord then saw fit to send my car into the shop every month for the next 13 months. Talk about trust in His provision. He was definitely stretching and growing me during this time. It was amazing how He provided.

I will never forget His first "big" directing of money in my direction. The tuition for my Fall semester was due. I needed $2000. Someone randomly gave me $1,000 anonymously through the church I attended in high school. I have no idea who the person was. But it was completely the Lord working on this person's heart to give to me and to give through my church. You see, DBU had a church-match scholarship. So if a church gives you money, DBU would match. Upon receiving the check, I contacted my old pastor and asked if I could get a check written out to DBU instead of me. He said that was not a problem. That is how the Lord provided the $2,000 that I needed.

This was the first time I have ever had someone give me $1,000. I was humbled and honored that someone would do this. This was like something you read about in books or hear that happens to other people, but not something I ever thought would happen to me.

Then a few months later, I was once again in the position of needing about $1,000. Despite the Lord's provision just months before, and as crazy as it may seem, I was worried and not sure how it was going to happen. I mean, after all, the Lord had just shifted $2,000 my direction a few months before. Obviously, I was still thinking in terms of human terms because to me $2,000 was an amazing sum to money, but to God $2,000 is pocket change. Anyhow, I wasn't really thinking He would just shift that much money my direction yet again so close to His last provision.

Anyhow, I got a really big tax return right about that time ($800 to $900). Then He provided the other few hundred in some other way that I cannot remember right now. Through this the Lord continued to show me that He has me covered. He is my provider. I need not worry.

Then He moves me to South Korea in 3 suitcases. By the end of my time in Korea, I had a huge furnished apartment with more than just the bare essentials. Yes, we furnished our apartment with "roadkill" (furniture left on the side of the road) or stuff people had given us--but it was all His provision. Through my time in Korea He gave me good perspective of possessions and what is really "mine", which is nothing.

Sometimes He provides by shifting money my direction, other times He just provides the need. I will never forget, one year in Korea I was really wanting a toaster. I know it seems like a small thing, but I enjoy toasted bagels and wanted one. So I presented my want to the Lord. I could have bought a toaster at E-mart, but I didn't have the money at the time. The the Lord did not provide a toaster, but He provided a roommate who knew how to toast using a skillet. How awesome of the Lord to provide in this manner. I sometimes forget that there use to not be all these modern contraptions like toasters! If you ever have a chance, toast your bagel on a skillet--do it! It has really good flavor and doesn't take that long.

Then last year, the Lord grew me further in trusting Him as my provider by having me live off of support last year. Before, He provided primarily from the paycheck earned at my job. Last year, He provided from the generous gifts of others to me. It taught me to me more okay just accepting things from other (the Lord started working on this in Korea, but definitely grew me a lot in this area last year).

And then the Lord sent me to Georgia and left me randomly/minimally employed for 4 months. For most of this time, I have not worried about finances and have just trusted Him to provide and He has. It hasn't been too hard because of my history with Lord of His faithful provision.

Then Christmas happened. I didn't tutor for several weeks, meaning the little income I did have coming in stopped. Also, there haven't been any random babysitting jobs since Christmas. So not really any money coming in, but bills still being there. I even tried to sell a camera online that I had and was not using. Yeah, I got scammed. I don't have the camera, but neither do I have the money for the camera. I actually lost money since I paid to ship the camera to the people. Then last Wednesday I had to get 4 new tires for my car. Not my best day. I was basically crying in Discount Tire as I was putting the tires on my credit card--not my best moment. I cried later that evening when a friend asked me how my day was. Obviously, not doing a great job in trusting the Lord's provision at this point.

Yeah, I am still growing in my trust in the Lord in the area of provision.

I spent some time with the Lord on Thursday processing this. The Lord basically was, "Are you going to trust Me, even when you cannot see or? Will you trust Me even if I don't provide employment for another 8 months?" Though it wasn't a fun week last week it was good. I am trusting the Lord and at peace.

At this time I didn't have a job or know that I would have a job. And honestly getting a job doesn't "fix" everything immediately, it just seems more hopeful. But weather the job makes is seem more hopeful or not, it doesn't change the reality that God will provide. Weather that be through employment, through someone's generosity, through an odd job. The Lord has it covered.

Job Update

I am officially employed with enough work to pay my monthly bills!

I have accepted a job caring for a families 3 boys from 2:30-5:30, Monday - Friday. This along with the 3 hours of tutoring that I am currently doing will be enough to pay my bills.

I also interviews yesterday, with Tutor Doctors of Atlanta and am hoping to pick up a few more tutoring clients from them. They are going to contact my references and then get back with me sometime next week.

I just interviewed with Northstar Academy (online school) to teach MS math for them. It was a first interview. This is the first step in the process. If they are interested in hiring me, they will then set up a second interview in the next few weeks. I would not have thought to pursue an online teaching position, but happened upon this opening. I know the experience would be a lot different than in a traditional classroom, but I can see myself enjoying it. I have no idea if anything will come of this...but it is something I am considering.

Regardless, I would love to teach in the upcoming school year.

Thanks for all of your love, support, and interest that you bestow on me. It means a lot and I appreciate it.

How Am I?

My posts of late have been at a much more surface level of late. I hope you have enjoyed some of my more light-hearted things.

I received a few e-mails from friends asking how I have been doing because I haven't posted in awhile or been in contact via e-mail. I am humbled and honored that I have people who notice when I don't write. I believe that one of the reasons I have put off writing this post is because I find "how" I currently am hard to explain--I shall do my best.

I have been in Georgia for over 4 months now. I never would have guessed that at this point I still would not have full-time work. There are so many ways that this one fact alone affect HOW I am doing.

Last year I had a decent amount of responsibility. Before that in Korea, I had a decent amount of responsibility as well. And before Korea....I had a decent amount of responsibility. As my friend LB said, my personality is sort of in shock. The first month or two of being in Georgia was about adjusting to a life with less responsibility. I was a bit at a loss as to what to do with my time and myself.

After a few months of being here, I asked the Lord, "Surely you aren't asking me to be unemployed, are You?" To me, it just didn't seem like it was right. But that is where He has me right now. He has me in a season of rest. He is making sure I rest to by leaving my life fairly simple and uncomplicated. By leaving me unemployed. By giving me lots of time to just "be".

Before I moved here, the Lord told me to take a break. I had no idea what that meant exactly. But He really has me in a season of rest. Not only physically (with no job), but emotionally, and spiritually as well.

I tend to like challenges. I don't always seek them out intentionally, but I happen into them somehow. Sometimes I take them on intentionally as well. There are several people I know who when they hear I am still unemployed, there response has been, "That's good, you could use the break." Part of me is like, Really? Even after 4 months you would say that? But it is true. I needed a break from intensity.

I like challenges for several reasons. First, the Lord gave me a math brain who loves to figure things out. Second, though I don't always like the process, I LOVE the end result. I love what comes from the hard conversation, the growth that comes from figuring something out, the growth that comes from wrestling with something.

It is so weird, but despite my uncomplicated life right now, and how low-key it is, the Lord is teaching me some important lessons and deepening our relationship. He is teaching me to be okay and content "being" more and "doing" less. He is showing me that He can take me to deeper levels with Him without some big challenge. If I am but faithful to seek Him, He will draw near to me. He will teach me. He will grow me. He will speak to me.

When the Lord provides work, I work. When He doesn't, I enjoy rest and fellowship with the saints. I have a friends who wonders what the Lord is preparing me for in this season. I really liked that statement and it encouraged me. I guess sometimes I feel like people think I need rest to recover from what was previously, but even if it is about that, it is also about the Lord preparing me for what is "next" as well and it is the first time I had thought of season the Lord has me in with that perspective.

I am very blessed to be a part of the community of believers here in Gwinnett. They are good fit for me and I am encouraged, challenged, and content in where the Lord has me. I am confident that this is where the Lord has called me for a time.

I really cannot think of much more to say. I have been putting this off for so long, dreading the struggle it would be to convey with words how I am doing. Sometimes I find this task easier than other times. I actually wrote the first part of this post in December! Hope this made sense.

Love you all.

Thankful

Yes, this post would have been more appropriate about a month ago, but I am falling into old blogging habits and am mass blogging over the next two days.

As you know, I am partially employed. I have three steady hours of work a week. I couldn't afford to travel to Texas so my parents paid for me to come home for Thanksgiving. I decided to drive because it was $100 cheaper and I could visit friends along the way. I had almost no money in my account other than gas money.

I don't know about you, but before a trip I fill my car up with gas, print of directions from google maps, check the fluids in my car, and check the air pressure in my tires.

Friday, November 20, 2009, 8:05 am Journal Entry

Yesterday night around 9 pm I stopped to fill up my car and check the air pressure. My passenger rear tire was basically flat. AIGOO! Not good when you are driving half-way accross teh country the next day. I was sort of bummed considering it cuts into my visiting time with the Conners.

On the other hand, I have felt that the tire was off for some time. I have even checked its pressure before. So its a relief to know it is taken care of. I had convinced myself that it was all in my head that my tire was low.

Though there are multiple things I was bummed about, there really are MORE things to be thankful for.

Lord,

Thank you for Your protection.

Thank you that I didn't have to put a spare tire on my car.

Thank you that I found an 8 am appointment I could make online, enabling me to sleep peaceably last night.

Thank you that because of my history using Discount Tire, that this tire was getting fixed for FREE! A totally unexpected blessing.

Thank you that Georgia time is an hour ahead of Arkansas so I really might not lose as much time as I originally thought!

Thank you for giving me this 30 minutes at Discount Tire to spend with you. What a great way to start a trip.

Your goodness to me is unmerited, but that is what makes it so good. You are a loving Father who cares for His children.