A Work in Progress

10.22.2010

Imitate Me

There is a verse in the Bible where Paul says,

"Imitate Me."

These two words have been a source of much contemplation and meditation.

I have not known many Christians who are willing to say, "Imitate Me." However, more often than not, I have listened to more people discredit themselves when sharing something the Lord has been showing them by saying, "...Not that I do this perfectly" or any number of similar statements.

Why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to say this? Do any of us do anything perfectly or all the time? Is that not a given.

As a math teacher, I would never get before my students and say, "Class, today I am going to teach you how to solve for x. Know that I do not always do this correctly, but here is what you do."

It seems a little silly to say that. Any student of mine already knows that Miss Divers makes mistakes. I don't have to tell them that. However, that doesn't make me any less qualified to teach them to solve for x.

Jumping back to the Paul example...

Why do we hesitate so much to confidently say, "Imitate Me."? Why do I hesitate to confidently tell someone, "Imitate Me."?

I believe it goes back to not truly understanding what is meant when this statement is said among believers. At least that is what it was for me.

Paul didn't tell others to imitate him because he, Paul, was so great. He told others to imitate him, because the Holy Spirit in him was so great. Paul was human like us. He was flawed. He sinned. He didn't always do the right thing? He made mistakes. But he still encouraged believer to imitate him.

So often I don't want to tell others to imitate me, because even if I thought I could say it without sounding prideful--I am flawed. I sin. I don't always do the right thing.

When I hesitate to say to someone, "Imitate me," for these reasons, it is because my focus is off. It is because I am identifying myself with my old, sin nature and not my new nature in Christ.

Another way of wording what Paul said would be, "Imitate Christ in me." However, Paul didn't say the added "Christ in" part. Why? Because his life was a living testimony of Christ. There was no question who he was about. As a child of God, he was identified with Christ and HIS attributes and no longer as sinful Saul.

The other pretty huge thing I got contemplating, "Imitate Me." was...

It is actually our flaws, our sin, our not doing the right thing...these are the things others need to see. Because it is as we deal with these things in a godly way and in right relationship with Him that He is glorified. I never learned much from a person who always did the right thing. However, I have learned much by observing how godly men and women handle messing up. It is good for me to see a brother humbly go to another brother and seek forgiveness for an offense.

The world likes to paint perfect, ideal pictures for us. It is easy to grow up with a warped view of how to handle things or the reality of the consequences of certain choices because we sugar-coat, glamorize, or just flat-out hide the more real and hard things of life.

How valuable it has been for me to be around godly men and women who let me see ALL of their lives...not just he pretty, pleasant parts...but the messy, not-so-fun or attractive parts as well.

I have learned to think of people as "beautiful messes". I say that very affectionately.

The people dearest to my heart are all "Beautiful Messes" but they have played/are playing vital roles in helping me to learn to love God with all my heart and to love my neighbor.

I am not sure how to nicely wrap this up and connect everything as I have taken a break from writing for a time now and am a bit rusty. Also it is nearly midnight and my brain in shutting down.

So I am going to say, "Goodnight!"

7.29.2010

Weird Amber Quirk

So one of the weird quirks of my personality is that I feel the need to make use of things I have. For example, if an ingredient is in our pantry/fridge for too long without use, I will cook a meal that uses that ingredient.

Upon my return from Texas, we had some sandwich rounds, home-grown tomatoes, cucumber garlic dip, some lettuce that was going bad, blueberries, and black beans. So tonight for dinner, I made falafel. This used up the sandwich rounds, home-grown tomatoes, cucumber garlic dip, and lettuce. I don't know why, but I get an extreme sense of satisfaction when I can use up random ingredients and create an awesome meal.

I still need to figure something out for the black beans and blueberries...

Today, I also...

checked out a potential job
had lunch with some friends
went to the grocery store
tweaked a resume and sent it off
talked to my Nonnie about dates she is going to visit
found 3 new recipes to try, and tried them all!
cut up fresh veggies: carrots, green peppers, broccoli
cleaned out the fridge
and now I am going to watch a movie.

I believe I have an equally long to-do list for tomorrow, but if feels so good to get things done! It's a strange addiction.

7.25.2010

Recent Happenings

Chilling in Suwanee

3 of the kids I watch during the week.

We like to go to the park.

Still recovering from my first case of poison ivy.

I don't suggest getting it--it hasn't been very fun.

The boys from one of my nanny jobs in the spring.

This picture pretty much captures them.

Celebrating Stacey's birthday and

visiting with some friends from Rose Creek.

My 3 youngest housemates. They are lots of fun.

Becca is one my housemates,

the mother of the 3 adorable children above

and a HUGE blessing in my life.

Celebrating my 28th birthday by eating Korean food.

Breaking the Silence

Since moving to Georgia I have been quite silent--both on my blog and through e-mail.

It was just time for a break. I enjoy blogging and keeping in touch with people in this manner, however, at times, I think it is easy to share things here that I don't necessarily share face to face. I didn't want that to be the case. I hope that I am as open in person as I am via blog.

This is nothing I have intentionally done. There are a few reasons for this.

#1-- I happen to really enjoy writing, so blogging is a great outlet.

#2--Blogging has been a great way to stay in touch with people long distance.

#3--I also love to share my thoughts, but in person, am much more the, wait for someone to ask my thoughts and then I share them. Therefore, people don't always know my thoughts because they don't ask. Whereas on my blog, I just share my thoughts--whether you want to hear them or not.

So this year, I have been trying to focus on sharing my thoughts with people in conversation. Does this make any sense?

Anyhow, I am missing writing...

so I am taking blogging up again.

I will try not to "mass blog" in order to catch up as that would be impossible.

Regardless, I am looking forward to "being in touch" once again.

7.02.2010

28 Years

Today marks my 28th year on Earth. It was a good day. I am blessed by wonderful family and friends who remembered me and made my day special.

The song of my heart today, is the same song that has been in my heart this past month, Pure and Holy Passion.

I have a unique testimony in that I have always known the Lord. I was raised by parents who love the Lord and some of my earliest memories are of conversations with the Lord. I cannot remember a time where I did not know the Lord in a personal way. It was never just my parents faith--it has always been my own.

He is one of the first people I have turned to with questions, the one who I process my day with, and He is the only person that has truly always been there for me.

As the years have gone by, I have come to know Him more and our relationship has matured and deepened. What a privilege it is to know God and to be known by Him.

If I have any obsession in life, any ambition--it is to know Him more fully. All other things this world has to offer pail in comparison to Him. There have been/are times when I have turned to things of this world--but they always disappoint. I have found Him to be the only source of true life, and life abundant.

As I have gone through this day, I have just been overwhelmed by the fact that I have known Him for 28 years now. I have no idea why He has allowed me to know Him for this long. Why I did not have to go through a season on not knowing Him to turn to Him. I have learned not to question His plans for my life, but am grateful that He has called me to Himself.

So today I celebrate 28 years of knowing Him and being known by Him.

Lord,

Give me one pure and holy passion.

Give me one magnificent obsession.

Give me one glorious ambition for my life--

To know and follow hard after You.

To grow as Your disciple in the Truth.

This world is empty, pale, and poor;

Compared to knowing you my Lord.

Lead me on.

I will run after You.

Beautiful.

1.23.2010

Still Growing

The Lord has had me on a journey for some time in learning to trust in Him as my provider in the area of finances. As a middle school/high school student I used to worry about finances a lot.

In college, after 3 semesters, the Lord really pressed it on my heart that if He wanted me to go to DBU, He would also provide the finances. Though I had a scholarship, and tuition reimbursement from UPS, it still didn't cover all of my schooling/living expenses. I trusted the Lord in this an quit taking out loans to cover tuition.

The Lord then saw fit to send my car into the shop every month for the next 13 months. Talk about trust in His provision. He was definitely stretching and growing me during this time. It was amazing how He provided.

I will never forget His first "big" directing of money in my direction. The tuition for my Fall semester was due. I needed $2000. Someone randomly gave me $1,000 anonymously through the church I attended in high school. I have no idea who the person was. But it was completely the Lord working on this person's heart to give to me and to give through my church. You see, DBU had a church-match scholarship. So if a church gives you money, DBU would match. Upon receiving the check, I contacted my old pastor and asked if I could get a check written out to DBU instead of me. He said that was not a problem. That is how the Lord provided the $2,000 that I needed.

This was the first time I have ever had someone give me $1,000. I was humbled and honored that someone would do this. This was like something you read about in books or hear that happens to other people, but not something I ever thought would happen to me.

Then a few months later, I was once again in the position of needing about $1,000. Despite the Lord's provision just months before, and as crazy as it may seem, I was worried and not sure how it was going to happen. I mean, after all, the Lord had just shifted $2,000 my direction a few months before. Obviously, I was still thinking in terms of human terms because to me $2,000 was an amazing sum to money, but to God $2,000 is pocket change. Anyhow, I wasn't really thinking He would just shift that much money my direction yet again so close to His last provision.

Anyhow, I got a really big tax return right about that time ($800 to $900). Then He provided the other few hundred in some other way that I cannot remember right now. Through this the Lord continued to show me that He has me covered. He is my provider. I need not worry.

Then He moves me to South Korea in 3 suitcases. By the end of my time in Korea, I had a huge furnished apartment with more than just the bare essentials. Yes, we furnished our apartment with "roadkill" (furniture left on the side of the road) or stuff people had given us--but it was all His provision. Through my time in Korea He gave me good perspective of possessions and what is really "mine", which is nothing.

Sometimes He provides by shifting money my direction, other times He just provides the need. I will never forget, one year in Korea I was really wanting a toaster. I know it seems like a small thing, but I enjoy toasted bagels and wanted one. So I presented my want to the Lord. I could have bought a toaster at E-mart, but I didn't have the money at the time. The the Lord did not provide a toaster, but He provided a roommate who knew how to toast using a skillet. How awesome of the Lord to provide in this manner. I sometimes forget that there use to not be all these modern contraptions like toasters! If you ever have a chance, toast your bagel on a skillet--do it! It has really good flavor and doesn't take that long.

Then last year, the Lord grew me further in trusting Him as my provider by having me live off of support last year. Before, He provided primarily from the paycheck earned at my job. Last year, He provided from the generous gifts of others to me. It taught me to me more okay just accepting things from other (the Lord started working on this in Korea, but definitely grew me a lot in this area last year).

And then the Lord sent me to Georgia and left me randomly/minimally employed for 4 months. For most of this time, I have not worried about finances and have just trusted Him to provide and He has. It hasn't been too hard because of my history with Lord of His faithful provision.

Then Christmas happened. I didn't tutor for several weeks, meaning the little income I did have coming in stopped. Also, there haven't been any random babysitting jobs since Christmas. So not really any money coming in, but bills still being there. I even tried to sell a camera online that I had and was not using. Yeah, I got scammed. I don't have the camera, but neither do I have the money for the camera. I actually lost money since I paid to ship the camera to the people. Then last Wednesday I had to get 4 new tires for my car. Not my best day. I was basically crying in Discount Tire as I was putting the tires on my credit card--not my best moment. I cried later that evening when a friend asked me how my day was. Obviously, not doing a great job in trusting the Lord's provision at this point.

Yeah, I am still growing in my trust in the Lord in the area of provision.

I spent some time with the Lord on Thursday processing this. The Lord basically was, "Are you going to trust Me, even when you cannot see or? Will you trust Me even if I don't provide employment for another 8 months?" Though it wasn't a fun week last week it was good. I am trusting the Lord and at peace.

At this time I didn't have a job or know that I would have a job. And honestly getting a job doesn't "fix" everything immediately, it just seems more hopeful. But weather the job makes is seem more hopeful or not, it doesn't change the reality that God will provide. Weather that be through employment, through someone's generosity, through an odd job. The Lord has it covered.

Job Update

I am officially employed with enough work to pay my monthly bills!

I have accepted a job caring for a families 3 boys from 2:30-5:30, Monday - Friday. This along with the 3 hours of tutoring that I am currently doing will be enough to pay my bills.

I also interviews yesterday, with Tutor Doctors of Atlanta and am hoping to pick up a few more tutoring clients from them. They are going to contact my references and then get back with me sometime next week.

I just interviewed with Northstar Academy (online school) to teach MS math for them. It was a first interview. This is the first step in the process. If they are interested in hiring me, they will then set up a second interview in the next few weeks. I would not have thought to pursue an online teaching position, but happened upon this opening. I know the experience would be a lot different than in a traditional classroom, but I can see myself enjoying it. I have no idea if anything will come of this...but it is something I am considering.

Regardless, I would love to teach in the upcoming school year.

Thanks for all of your love, support, and interest that you bestow on me. It means a lot and I appreciate it.

12.23.2009

How Am I?

My posts of late have been at a much more surface level of late. I hope you have enjoyed some of my more light-hearted things.

I received a few e-mails from friends asking how I have been doing because I haven't posted in awhile or been in contact via e-mail. I am humbled and honored that I have people who notice when I don't write. I believe that one of the reasons I have put off writing this post is because I find "how" I currently am hard to explain--I shall do my best.

I have been in Georgia for over 4 months now. I never would have guessed that at this point I still would not have full-time work. There are so many ways that this one fact alone affect HOW I am doing.

Last year I had a decent amount of responsibility. Before that in Korea, I had a decent amount of responsibility as well. And before Korea....I had a decent amount of responsibility. As my friend LB said, my personality is sort of in shock. The first month or two of being in Georgia was about adjusting to a life with less responsibility. I was a bit at a loss as to what to do with my time and myself.

After a few months of being here, I asked the Lord, "Surely you aren't asking me to be unemployed, are You?" To me, it just didn't seem like it was right. But that is where He has me right now. He has me in a season of rest. He is making sure I rest to by leaving my life fairly simple and uncomplicated. By leaving me unemployed. By giving me lots of time to just "be".

Before I moved here, the Lord told me to take a break. I had no idea what that meant exactly. But He really has me in a season of rest. Not only physically (with no job), but emotionally, and spiritually as well.

I tend to like challenges. I don't always seek them out intentionally, but I happen into them somehow. Sometimes I take them on intentionally as well. There are several people I know who when they hear I am still unemployed, there response has been, "That's good, you could use the break." Part of me is like, Really? Even after 4 months you would say that? But it is true. I needed a break from intensity.

I like challenges for several reasons. First, the Lord gave me a math brain who loves to figure things out. Second, though I don't always like the process, I LOVE the end result. I love what comes from the hard conversation, the growth that comes from figuring something out, the growth that comes from wrestling with something.

It is so weird, but despite my uncomplicated life right now, and how low-key it is, the Lord is teaching me some important lessons and deepening our relationship. He is teaching me to be okay and content "being" more and "doing" less. He is showing me that He can take me to deeper levels with Him without some big challenge. If I am but faithful to seek Him, He will draw near to me. He will teach me. He will grow me. He will speak to me.

When the Lord provides work, I work. When He doesn't, I enjoy rest and fellowship with the saints. I have a friends who wonders what the Lord is preparing me for in this season. I really liked that statement and it encouraged me. I guess sometimes I feel like people think I need rest to recover from what was previously, but even if it is about that, it is also about the Lord preparing me for what is "next" as well and it is the first time I had thought of season the Lord has me in with that perspective.

I am very blessed to be a part of the community of believers here in Gwinnett. They are good fit for me and I am encouraged, challenged, and content in where the Lord has me. I am confident that this is where the Lord has called me for a time.

I really cannot think of much more to say. I have been putting this off for so long, dreading the struggle it would be to convey with words how I am doing. Sometimes I find this task easier than other times. I actually wrote the first part of this post in December! Hope this made sense.

Love you all.

12.20.2009

Thankful

Yes, this post would have been more appropriate about a month ago, but I am falling into old blogging habits and am mass blogging over the next two days.

As you know, I am partially employed. I have three steady hours of work a week. I couldn't afford to travel to Texas so my parents paid for me to come home for Thanksgiving. I decided to drive because it was $100 cheaper and I could visit friends along the way. I had almost no money in my account other than gas money.

I don't know about you, but before a trip I fill my car up with gas, print of directions from google maps, check the fluids in my car, and check the air pressure in my tires.

Friday, November 20, 2009, 8:05 am Journal Entry

Yesterday night around 9 pm I stopped to fill up my car and check the air pressure. My passenger rear tire was basically flat. AIGOO! Not good when you are driving half-way accross teh country the next day. I was sort of bummed considering it cuts into my visiting time with the Conners.

On the other hand, I have felt that the tire was off for some time. I have even checked its pressure before. So its a relief to know it is taken care of. I had convinced myself that it was all in my head that my tire was low.

Though there are multiple things I was bummed about, there really are MORE things to be thankful for.

Lord,

Thank you for Your protection.

Thank you that I didn't have to put a spare tire on my car.

Thank you that I found an 8 am appointment I could make online, enabling me to sleep peaceably last night.

Thank you that because of my history using Discount Tire, that this tire was getting fixed for FREE! A totally unexpected blessing.

Thank you that Georgia time is an hour ahead of Arkansas so I really might not lose as much time as I originally thought!

Thank you for giving me this 30 minutes at Discount Tire to spend with you. What a great way to start a trip.

Your goodness to me is unmerited, but that is what makes it so good. You are a loving Father who cares for His children.

Chicken Anyone?

If you are curious and want to know how these roosters became dinner....

then click here to pictorially see how this was accomplished!

I originally was going to post this on this blog, but then realized not everyone would be curious about this process and some might even be grossed out.

I love you Family!

As Christmas day approaches, I miss my family more. There have been several times in the past year where I have asked the Lord why He wants me to live so far from my family and not be more involved in their daily lives and for them to be more a part of my daily life.

Yet, this is not what He has asked of our family. He has asked for us to live far from each other. My little sister is in California, I am in Georgia, and my parents and older sister are in Texas. We are literally spread across the United States. A few years ago, Alicia was in India and I was in Korea--somehow that was easier. However, we do see each other more than we did then.

Family, know that I love you so very much and miss you. I know I don't say it all the time, but it is true. I don't know if the Lord will have us live near each other again. Know that because of the distance, I treasure our times together that much more.

I love that we all love and enjoy each other so much. I love that I look forward to our times together. It is restful and refreshing. The time flies and before I know it, it is time to return home before I am ready. This is not true of all families. Thanks for your love of me.

I really need to continue to work on picking the phone up more. Korea and then LeadTime really got me too used to NOT picking up the phone. While it had to be that way for a time--that season is over!

Thinking of you and missing you.