Let's go back to pre-summer break (late May). I was looking forward to post-summer break in a way that I don't normally look forward to breaks. I always enjoy time with my family, but I was just craving it and couldn't wait. The first weekend of my pre-summer break was spent celebrating my mom's 50th birthday. I loved it! I particularly enjoyed making my mom's strawberry shortcake cake with my sister Shannon and cousin Tammy. I loved Sunday morning when my parents were at church and we were all gathered in the living room putting together my mom's scrapbook. It was Shannon, Alicia, and I along with Tammie, Kirk, and all four of their kids. I loved that we were all doing it together.
I loved spending Memorial Day out at the lake. Shannon at this point returned to Houston, and Kirk and Tammy to Rowlett.
Tuesday was the best car buying experience ever that involved one-on-one time with my dad, lunch with my parents and sister, shoe shopping for my dad, and then sister time at Starbucks. What an awesome day.
Wednesday was spend running errands and frankly I don't even remember what happened on this day besides going to Best Buy and getting a new deck for my car, barbecuing for dinner and Grandad joining us.
Thursday morning I washed my dad's car (thankyou for letting me use it for six months), ran errands (my car needed something replaced at Mazda and then I had to return to Best Buy because the deck in my car was not working). After getting my errands done I came home and washed cars (mom's and mine). And that pretty much took us into Friday.
Now, though there was time in here to enjoy family...it was also a bit busy. I was really looking forward to Friday-Sunday and just relaxing with my family as we celebrated Chris and Laura's wedding. I hadn't seen Shannon all week, but we were meeting in Ft. Worth for the wedding. We all drove up on Friday so that we could go to the wedding rehearsal. My mom rode in my car so I was looking forward to time with her. We (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) were all staying in the same hotel so that meant just hanging out with each other when not doing wedding things. I was looking forward to more sister time. Sunday, after the wedding, we were going to Kirk and Tammy's where I was going to see them again, but also see my grandma and hopefully Tye and Tracy. I had all these grand plans of just enjoying family.
Yeah...that whole last paragraph...I got gypped from. I woke up Friday morning with a sore throat. I didn't think too much of it. However, it only got worse. I literally slept the entire trip to Dallas and by the time we got the hotel was burning up with fever. I didn't go the reception that night and was a bit out of it. I barely woke up to take medicine and attempted at moments to interact with my aunt, sisters, and parents--though I was probably a little out of it. I hated not going to the rehearsal dinner.
Then Saturday came and I was able to get ready, but I was so tired. I had been on antibiotic since the day before, but I was just getting worse. I went to the wedding. Then stopped at Walmart for some medicine--only to find out that there really wasn't a good over the counter medicine to combat my symptoms besides what I was already taking.
I tried going to the reception, but ended up leaving after five minutes and just cried all the way to my room (reception was in the hotel we were all staying at) because I felt so bad but I wanted to be with my family. I cried some more in my room and finally came down and visited with my cousins for 30 minutes to an hour. I finally went back to my room because I was so tires.
Sunday, I got up as soon I could, packed my stuff, and headed to Branson. I was still feeling miserable, but wanted to return home because I would rest better in my home, and in Branson I have a doctor, and know where to get meds, etc. So I make the drive to Branson. As soon as I get back, I do what I have to do, to get out of the Bigs meeting that night, to get permission to miss morning coverage the next day--basically to ensure that Monday I could be off. As soon as all this is done, I literally crash into bed.
I barely said anything to my family on Sunday as I got ready to leave because I felt in a fog. I knew if I didn't leave early, I probably wouldn't make it to Branson-- I had a 9 hour drive ahead of me.
Anyhow, this really is a minor thing. However, about a week later, once I was recovered and had time off...I was looking at my sisters Facebook pictures of the wedding rehearsal and wedding and just started crying. I was mad. Why did I have to not be a part of these memories. For the past 6 years or so, I haven't been able to come to family things. That was hard at times. However, to be there (in the same building and in their presence) but not be able to join them seemed unfair. Why me? Why this time? I looked at the pictures and it was like looking at pictures of a family event I hadn't attended. I had heard the stories about Grandad dancing with his grandkids and daughter in the hallway...but I wasn't a part of it. I don't know. I just really struggled with this. Why did I have to get Strep throat then?
I don't really know that I have any brilliant answers. I still wish it hadn't happened. I still wish I could have been well enough to enjoy my family. I still wish I could have seen my Grandma on Sunday. I still wish it could have played out differently. I don't understand why it had to be this timing for me to get Strep. Buy why not? Why not me? Why not this timing?
There are worse things in life. I think I just somehow felt "entitled" to this time with my family. For my three years in Korea, it makes sense to not get to go family events. It made it easier. Even at times, missing events because I live in Branson. But to take the time off and have the time and then have Strep throat keep you from time with your family. This doesn't make sense. I was looking forward to that time so much more than ever before. I felt like I NEEDED it. So I was disappointed. It's think it's okay to mourn this loss.
I may long for more time with my family, but until He calls me to move back to Texas...I will take what I can get. And I still thank Him for the time I do get with my family. He was so gracious in the first part of my trip. Though it was busy, I still got to enjoy my family a lot. He worked that out. Though I feel like I got gypped from some more good family time...He has purpose in that...even if I don't get it.
I think I will stop now. I don't know that I am communicating well what I am trying to say. But I just feel like I mourned this loss of time with my family and really had to give it over to the Lord. I was surprised that it frustrated me so much for my time with my family to end as it did. I have been away from my family for a bit of time now. I have never had this reaction before to missed time with them.
I am not sure what the Lord has in store for me down the road--to be near or far from my family. However, no matter where He calls me, I want to first be obedient to Him. Sometimes obedience means giving something up. However, He is always faithful to provide. He gives life abundant. He is there when I miss my family.
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