Anyhow, shortly before the Gulf Coast Trip I had just gone through a rough spell with the girls in my room. I cannot even remember what was going on. But then right before I left it turned. I had a really good room night with my girls on Friday. I had several good conversations one-on-one with the girls in my room. I could just see them growing. Despite this, I was just ready to leave. To be gone for a week. To let another Big deal with my girls for a week.
Also leading up to the trip, I had been feeling disconnected with my fellow Bigs. I had been struggling with the fact that the community here isn't stronger than the community that I had experienced in Korea--that was an expectation I had. Every person I have talked to who has returned to the States, at some point misses the community that they found in Korea and just finds it harder to find in the States--you have to fight for it more and even when you do...it just isn't always there. While I expected to face this same struggle upon returning to the States, I expected it to happen after my LeadTime year. I expected the LeadTime community to be different, but stronger than what I experienced in Korea. Yet, I not finding that to be true. Anyhow, shortly before I left on the Gulf Coast Trip is when I first identified that struggle for what it was.
Ready for a break from my Littles and feeling disconnected from the Bigs--this is how I went into the Gulf Coast Trip. I was really to the point where I was thinking everyone will probably be glad for me to be gone for the week. My mind on a few occasions even feared I would not be missed and that people would notice how much more peaceful the house was because I was not there or just not really even notice my being gone. I quickly put a stop to these thoughts when they entered my head, identifying them for the lies that they were--but that is where I was when I left. Ready for the break, really longing for community, and combating lies.
Despite these feelings, please know I was also excited for the trip because I love service projects! I earned my scholarship in college because of my community service. This has always been a great love of mine, and for whatever reason I love manual labor. To this day, one of my favorite jobs was loading semi's for UPS. Some days I wish I could just go and load a semi for a week. I know that is not possible, but if I could...I would love to just do that one week for the fun of it. So yes, I was excited for our mission and what we were doing, but I was also just ready to be off property for the week.
Anyhow, we had a 13 hour trip to get to Mississippi/Louisianna. There were 5 girls going on this trip, and while we did have some good conversations, we were also quite content with a quiet car. I got lots of time to think. Normally, I will either read or sleep these long trips away. Though I did sleep a bit of the way up there, I only read a chapter or two in my book. I really just sat there and thought for a time and really contemplated and put before the Lord our community as Bigs.
The week was great. I loved cutting down trees and helping people get their yards back and just in general be a blessing to people and meeting needs. At one point for a short time, someone would throw me a log, and I would then throw it a short distance to the ground. It felt so good to throw logs! Of topic. Anyhow, I think the trip for me was about refreshment and just time to think, to connect with people, and to be encouraged. In all the thinking I did about our community here as Bigs...I really didn't come up with anything brilliant. The only thing I realized was that we have the potential for such great community, but I think we all are just tired. It is something I am going to have to fight for (more so that in Korea), but if I fight for it, the end result will be so rich. Have I figured out how to fight for it? No. But I do have a plan to at least share my heart and where I am at with my fellow Bigs. I love all my fellow Bigs. Everyone has their own part and I love the different things each person brings to the House. We really are not complete when one person is gone--we balance each other out well. So the trip just energized me to fight for relationships here. To fight for close relationships with Bigs and not allow myself to be closer to the Littles than my Sisters.
We arrived back on property Friday night around 8 pm. By the time we returned to property, I was ready to come home. While I loved the break, I missed the House. Anyhow, we came home and I ran into the house real quick to use the restroom before helping unload. When I came through the door, I got the best greeting. All three of my Littles jumped/screamed in excitement that I had returned and all got up and bombarded me with hugs and words of encouragement. Others as well, Bigs and Littles just expressed their happiness at my return. It was so awesome--especially for the girl who deep down inside, if she is being completely open and vulnerable--still was wondering if she would be missed. I was ready to be okay with this. Obviously, I have some things to work on!
Anyhow, the Lord just blessed my socks off. Not only did I have this great greeting, but Charity, one of the Little in my room who has been room grounded for awhile now let me know that she was down to 14 work hours. This means she is now only House grounded and she can get on the computer. When I left she had nearly 40 work hours and her getting down to 14 is huge.
After my awesome greeting on Friday night, I quickly packed my stuff and left property to enjoy the weekend off. The weekend off was great. House Night was at the timeshare that Emily (House Director) and I were sharing for the weekend. It was good just to reconnect with everyone and hang out after having been gone a week. I really didn't see the Bigs much on Friday, but got to see the Bigs on Saturday. When everyone first arrived, Charity pulled me aside and asked me if I would speak at her graduation. I was honored. This is honestly the one Little in my room who not that long ago I would have thought that she would leave our program in December and I wouldn't have a relationship with her despite the fact that she was my Little and we had shared a room for several months. However, in the last few weeks the Lord has really been working there and I have been amazed at where the Lord has brought. To say the least I was surprised, yet honored that she would ask me.
Between these interactions with Littles and the hugs and words of love from my fellow Bigs upon my return, He gave me what I needed to return to this place and feel ready to face the challenges of living here with renewed joy. To return with confidence that, in Him, that I have everything I need to do my job here and He has placed me here with purpose. I have an important role for me.
Sunday evening I return from my week off in jubilant spirits and ready for life at the House. I was honestly expecting a day of two of peace before I really had to deal with anything too major attitude/behaviorwise with my girls. Literally, I am not two steps in the door when Charity comes down the stairs and asks me to read this letter before going any further. I read it and it I am informed of a situation that occurred while I was gone involving my entire room. Relationships are strained. The incident happened several days before I returned from the trip but involved my shampoo. Anyhow, I won't get to the details here, but my first thought was, Welcome back to life at Shelterwood! Despite it not being my favorite thing to have to come home to, it was okay. This is what the Lord has called me too. He knows what He is doing. It yet one more thing He is going to use to produce character in us all.
If you think about it. The shampoo situation isn't resolved. Pray that as we deal with this, that true resolution of the deeper issues will happen. I don't just want to deal with the shampoo issue, but for my girls to have relationships restored at a heart level. There is distrust in my room between the three girls and for good reason. It is hard to know the truth of what really happened--not just in this situation but in past situations as well. While they/we resolve them, I am starting to wonder if they are simply patching things up but inside there are wounds and hurts they are hold close and using against each other.
Anyhow, that is the latest on me! Also, pray for the community with the Bigs. I know it is all something we desire, but really is hard to know how to go about pursuing and knowing how to fight for it. I have some free time tomorrow where I am hoping to write each one of them and share my heart a bit and where I am at.
Thanks for your love and support. Until next time...
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