Random Thoughts

For awhile now I have had a hard time identifying what the Lord is teaching me through this season. I have spent several ramblings sharing with you about my girls and various events of the day. I have not spent a lot of time sharing with you those things the Lord is doing in my heart. I am going to attempt to do a little of that now.

Throughout my life I have struggled a lot with self-esteem issues. I have spent more of my life not liking who God made me to be rather than liking it. I often wonder why God was doing when He made me and so often wonder if I am even loveable. It's not something I am proud of, and it's something that I know is a lie from the devil, but he loves to feed me the lie that I am unloveable and there isn't much that is good about my personality. And I listen a lot.

I have this tendency to go through this cycle of finding my identity in Christ and being confident in that to wondering why I couldn't have been different and really just being down with myself. Toward the end of my time in Korea and in coming to Doulos, I was in a good place. I was seeing the lies for what they were and walking in confidence in the Lord.  For this I will forever be grateful as the first month here would have been pretty terrible if I was doubting who I was.

I have this tendency to come across to people as really harsh, or mean spirited, or that all I care about is rules and don't really care about relationship. This is definitely not the truth and the one thing I long for more than anything else is to be truly known by people and accepting for who I am. This isn't true in all situations, but definitely true in work-type situations or like this year.Anyhow, when I came here, I had a bit of this again. People did not always see my heart. They don't realize why I am the way I am or even my reasoning behind the way I do things. I was okay with this. I have been in this situation before. I know that in time people will be able to see my heart and we will have a good relationship.

Despite that people are starting to see my heart and I feel like I am growing in relationships here, it is still frustrating at times. I am still content with who God made me to be. I guess the question I have been asking myself and the Lord more recently though is this, Is it possible for me to still remain who I am at the core AND appear more relational to people upon first meeting? Though I don't feel like I hold myself back, are there ways that I can risk my heart more and not be so intimidating to people?

I don't want to be known as someone who cares about rules more than relationship. I don't want to be known as someone who doesn't listen. Who doesn't care. None of these things are true, but I can see how I could come across as this way. I need people. I have had several people comment on how I seem to be my own individual and very seem very content in it. While this is true, I still desire deep relationships with other people.

I believe these are not selfish desires. It is my prayer that this year I would really learn to soften my first impression. That others would be able to see my heart from the beginning, that it wouldn't take time for people to see where I am coming from and the things that motivate me. I desire to exhibit the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. I desire to have others know that I value them and care about them. I desire to learn how to skip the initial first stage that I tend to go through with people.

I am still processing it all. I still need to take all this before the Lord and really just listen to Him to see if I am even on track on this. However, as much as I could be tempted to be discouraged by the fact that people don't get me as well, or that I come across as less loving and desirous of relationship...I have come a long way from the girl who use to be afraid to even speak in a group. Who used to be so intimidated by meeting new people, and who would literally get dizzy from my efforts to have conversations with people. I have come a long way from the girl who walked away from high school without a friend and lonely. I definitely don't have it all figured out and have some growing to do...but I guess that is why I love God's promise that I will forever be His work in progress. And one day when I see Him face to face, His work in me with complete and perfect and good. What beautiful and amazing work He does.

Anyhow, that is a very small bit about what the Lord is speaking to me. I have a lot more in my head but that will do for tonight! I am going to set the alarm and head for bed. It's  midnight. However, the beautiful thing is that once the kids are off to school...we have been given the day off (at least the time while they are at school)! Though my free time is basically, 1-3 hours a day, 10 hours a week, and 3 weekends each four months and many are like, Man you have no free time--I have so much more than you mothers out there. KUDOS to you. Your job matters. Your kids are important and even if they don't thank you know, train them up in the Lord and the way they should and one day they will bless you.